DEAR ABBY: I need to know if I should forgive my husband, "Kurt," or move on and start over.

I had been married 26 years when Kurt called me one day at work to say he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was speechless. At first, I thought he was joking, but it went from bad to worse, and he asked for a divorce. He became verbally and emotionally abusive after that and moved out for a while. Then we reconciled. Everything was OK until a well-meaning friend called and told me Kurt had been involved with the office slut for more than a year.

When I confronted him, he lied, he cried, and then he spilled his guts.

I get sick thinking of the way Kurt treated me. He abandoned me for her like I was a weekend fling. He took money from us to support her, because she was "all alone and needed someone to help her out" -- all the while telling me that at age 44, I needed to learn to take care of myself! (I am a college graduate with a full-time job.)

My feelings for my husband have changed since I learned the truth. Had I known about the affair, I don't think I would have reconciled with him. What I thought was a midlife crisis turned out to be a true betrayal -- but where do I go from here? Since Kurt has returned home, I have been the "queen" in his life. He is truly a different person. He says he's sorry; however, I'm not sure if he's sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught. What do you think? -- FURIOUS IN OHIO

DEAR FURIOUS: I think he's sorry for the mess he made of things and for hurting you. Let's not forget, if he didn't care for you, he could have ended the marriage. You and your husband must talk this out until it is laid to rest, and the place to do it is in the presence of a marriage counselor. I know you're hurt, but make no decisions based on anger and bitterness. Other couples have survived infidelity -- and so can you, if that's what you both want. The choice is yours.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, every time I visit my parents, my mother has commented on items in their home that she wants to go to specific family members after she and Dad are gone.

My siblings and I don't always get along, and I'm afraid that after our parents pass on, there will be a nasty battle over who gets what.

I have suggested to Mom that she write this all down, but she refuses. She keeps insisting, "You'll remember this." Should I help my parents write down their wishes? Also, is it inappropriate to make them aware of what antiques or items I would like to have? It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN MIDDLETOWN, N.J.

DEAR DAUGHTER: It's a shame that two of the most important subjects -- sex and death -- are also the most difficult to discuss. In the interest of family harmony, your mother and father should be writing down their wishes concerning their property. However, since your mother seems unwilling, when she points out certain items, give her an indelible pen and suggest that she label them with the name of the person she would like to have them. It would take only a moment, and would not be morbid.

P.S. I see nothing wrong with telling your mother which items you'd like to have, as long as your siblings are also able to speak up for what they would like to have.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I may have started a war with my neighbors. About two months ago, their son, "Ricky," smashed a brick on my van while it was parked in my driveway. The damage was estimated at more than $500. I asked Ricky's parents to pay for it because I had paid them $100 a few months before, after I accidentally ran over Ricky's bike in the driveway. They didn't have to ask for the money -- I volunteered it.

When I told my neighbors about the damage, they refused to pay, saying my daughter had gotten their boy upset over a ball game they were playing. They said I should take them to court -- so that's exactly what I'm doing.

After they were served with the court papers, they called my boss and complained that I had cut them off while driving my company vehicle, a school bus. It was an outright lie. Things are starting to get out of hand. Am I wrong for wanting my van fixed? -- FRUSTRATED IN CANADA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Of course not. If you haven't already done so, speak to your boss immediately and explain exactly what is going on. Then inform the police about the boy's act of vandalism to your van. You didn't start a war. Your neighbors did when they refused to make good on the damage their son caused.

P.S. Now that you know the kid is trouble, keep your daughter away from him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who recently found out that I am the daughter of a sperm donor. I had always thought my father had died and no one would tell me why. Now I feel unloved by whoever is my father.

It scares me to think I may have brothers or sisters out there, and that he may not care that I exist. I don't understand why it's legal to just donate when a child may be born. Is there any way I can find out anything about my "real" father -- or any advice you can give me? -- DOESN't UNDERSTAND IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOESN'T UNDERSTAND: The person who donated his sperm so that you could be conceived thought he was doing a noble deed -- helping a couple who desperately wanted a child but were unable to do so. As far as I know, there is no way to trace his identity.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who was recently widowed. Although my new status is painful, I feel that because I am no longer married, I may take back my maiden name. My dilemma stems from the fact that I receive a pension from my husband's company, and others have told me that if I don't consider myself married, that I shouldn't accept his pension.

Are they right? Is this disrespectful to my deceased husband? Am I being selfish? I don't want to upset my in-laws. Hurting and disrespecting anyone is the last thing I want to do. -- CONFUSED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: As a widow, you are entitled to call yourself either by your married name or your maiden name. The choice is yours.

As a widow, you have a right to receive your husband's pension benefits until they run out. I don't know who gave you the bad advice you repeated to me, but that person is mistaken. To accept the money and go on with your life is neither selfish nor disrespectful. So take what you're entitled to, call yourself what you wish, live your life, and do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for doing so.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the column you printed last New Year's Day. My mother is always cutting out articles for me. The majority end up in the trash. But that one is taped to my bathroom wall. I read it every day on my way out. If I'm having a bad day, I think about it. Please print it again for me and others. Mine is a little tattered. -- HEATHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR HEATHER: With pleasure.

DEAR READERS: Rise and shine, and welcome to 2005! This is our chance for a new beginning, the day we discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones. With that in mind, I'm printing Dear Abby's oft-requested list of New Year's resolutions -- adapted by my mother from the original credo of Al-Anon.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent by I.J. Bhatia, who lives in New Delhi, India:

DEAR ABBY: This year no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature." The following prayer of Saint Francis contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not as much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

May we find peace and joy in this New Year. To one and all, a happy, healthy 2005! -- Love, Abby

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)