CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Although I know you're busy beyond belief preparing for the holidays, please take a minute to go to your computers and send greetings to our troops. This is the loneliest time of the year for these brave young men and women, many of whom are away from their families for the first time. Type in www.OperationDearAbby.net and let them know we care.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. I have always had fantasies about exposing my wife naked to other men. "Hazel" is a deep sleeper, and in college, I exposed her countless times for my roommates to see. (I pretended to be asleep.) From the time we were married, I took pictures of her while she slept, including many extremely graphic close-ups. I posted a good number of them (including the close-ups) on Internet porn sites, making no attempt to blur her face, which would have ruined it for me. The thought of countless men seeing her excited me. I looked forward to reading the comments about her pictures. I saved each porn site photo spread of her into a file on my computer and viewed them often.

Well, my wife found the file. We are now in marriage counseling, but I still have the fantasies. I know what I did was wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't want to lose my wife. Please help. -- ASHAMED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ASHAMED: You need more help than I can give you in a letter. You violated your wife's trust, treated her like an object, and while I applaud the fact that you are getting marriage counseling, counseling of a different sort is also in order. Please ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist ASAP, and pray your wife can forgive you.

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker has planned his own retirement dinner party at $45 a head, including tax and gratuity. That might not be much to managers and supervisors who receive large salaries, but for those of us who don't, that's a lot of money. What's ironic is he has let us know he expects an additional $10 from each of us for a gift.

A luncheon date with 90 percent of the staff had already been confirmed. However, yesterday a flier was distributed announcing a dinner on the same date the luncheon was scheduled. Our lunch date was canceled without consulting us. I suspect it was a maneuver to force us to attend the dinner party.

We asked him to reschedule the lunch, told him the dinner party was too expensive, and asked if he would make the $10 gift optional. Are we unreasonable, or is he? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. He is. Please don't allow yourselves to be manipulated into spending more than you can afford on this anything BUT shy and retiring co-worker.

DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my boss that her incessant talking keeps me from getting my job done? I am currently a week behind because I was out sick for several days last week, and my boss won't stop talking and let me catch up.

She isn't married and doesn't have many friends, so I know her need for friendship carries over to work -- but it's starting to make me very stressed. Then again, she's my boss. How do I deal with this? -- FALLING BEHIND IN ALABAMA

DEAR FALLING BEHIND: Your boss may not be aware the extent to which you have fallen behind in your work, so tell her -- especially if you are doing something that might be time-sensitive. Explain that you are conscientious and don't want to let her down -- and if she wants to talk, suggest you do it over lunch. Then cross your fingers and hope she takes you up on it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Able but Unwilling in Alabama," whose mother and sister are urging him to "lend" money to his spendthrift brother. "Able" said he and his wife had always lived frugally and have saved diligently, while his brother and his wife lived far beyond their means. You responded that if "Able" was comfortable with his decision, he wouldn't have written to you.

He should stick to his guns. The brother and sister-in-law will be siphoning money from here to eternity. Just like an alcoholic, if you give money to folks like that, they'll take and take until the money is gone. I know -- I was one of those takers. I was never taught how to handle money.

I'll bet you get a lot of letters on that one, Abby!

-- HOPEFULLY DOING BETTER IN FLORIDA

DEAR DOING BETTER: You're right. I did get mail from readers who felt I should have encouraged the writer to stand firm. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's time for that brother and his wife to grow up and learn to budget their own money. If "Able's" mother and sister aren't willing to put THEIR money where their mouths are, they should keep quiet. It never makes sense to loan money to a bottomless pit.

Strange, how "Able," the responsible son, is criticized, while the spendthrift, spoiled son runs to Mom and Sis to lay guilt and put pressure on the responsible brother. If the situation were reversed, would the big spender help his brother, I wonder? I don't think so. His selfish lifestyle should not be rewarded. The irresponsible brother should end the pity party and go to work! -- HARD-WORKING MOM IN PROVIDENCE, R.I.

DEAR HARD-WORKING MOM: More readers agreed with you than with me.

DEAR ABBY: The brother made his choices and is reaping the "rewards." If "Able" bails him out, it won't be a one-time thing. It will open the door to keep the money flowing. There is a children's story about the Little Red Hen. The little hen asked for help to plow the garden, plant the seed and pull the weeds. The rest of the farm animals refused. However, when it came time to eat the bread, they all wanted some. Little Red Hen then said "no," because they had done nothing to help.

It's the same with saving money; we go without to build savings to cover our needs in leaner times. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR BRENDA: That's a lesson many people need to learn. Too many are living on credit and accruing a mountain of debt while trying to keep up with the Joneses.

DEAR ABBY: "Able" should insist that his mother and sister co-sign the loan he gives to his brother. That way, if the brother doesn't repay, then they must! But first, that free-spending brother should downsize his expensive house, replace his luxury cars with subcompacts, sell all items that have no sentimental value, and both husband and wife should get out and look for jobs.

It is possible to be supportive of the brother without "Able" handing him money and possibly putting his own retirement at risk. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, IN WASHINGTON

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share my pet peeve with you. It's being invited to "sales parties" for kitchenware, beauty products, etc. I can't afford to spend money at these so-called parties because I have three children to feed.

I would prefer not to disclose my financial situation to every person who issues these invitations, which arrive sometimes on a weekly basis. I have tried to tell friends that I am busy that night, and they either find out that I really don't have plans or try to sign me up for an "outside order." I have shared with a few friends that I am on a strict budget, and they reply with "just come and don't buy anything."

That's not a workable solution, because the consultants see the word "no" as a challenge and won't take "no" for an answer. Also, it's intimidating to see everyone else pull out their checkbooks. How can I get uninvited permanently so I can stop avoiding the mailbox? -- CAN'T AFFORD MY FRIENDS IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR CAN'T: Real friends don't subject friends to embarrassment or use them to get special deals by promoting commercial products. Ignore the solicitations as you would any other, and don't feel guilty. If you're questioned, just say you weren't interested in buying -- it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended several soccer practices for 6-year-olds. One boy on the team, "Timmy," is so obese he can barely run. His mother screams at him from the sidelines, giving him directions every few minutes. Sometimes the poor child "runs" in the wrong direction and scores for the opposing team. (I personally believe he suffers from ADD.) Timmy said to his mother, "I can't run!" -- and he can't. His large belly and huge thighs prevent him from running. One can see his frustration.

After the game, each player is given a paper sack of refreshments. One time, it was a chocolate cupcake, a bag of chips and a cold drink. At the end of the game, after the snacks, Timmy ran to his mother. He was crying. She was talking on her cell phone. She said, "Here's 50 cents -- go buy a candy bar." My heart aches for this boy. What would you suggest? -- CONCERNED PARENT, BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR CONCERNED: Since you can't change Timmy's mother, speak to the coach. That's the only person the boy should be listening to during a game. Perhaps the mother will take guidance from the coach regarding a healthy diet and exercise regimen for her son. Another thing you might do is volunteer to provide some healthy snacks for the players after the games, and organize the other team moms to do the same.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son was invited to a 14-year-old neighbor's birthday party. On the invitation it said, "Suggested gift -- $20." The boy's parents were aware that he put it on the invitation. I think it was inappropriate to ask for a specific gift, especially money. What's your opinion? -- OFFENDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OFFENDED: My opinion is the same as yours. The fact that the parents didn't put a stop to the gift "suggestion" shows they either endorsed it or didn't know any better. By allowing it, the parents did a disservice to their son.

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