DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Able but Unwilling in Alabama," whose mother and sister are urging him to "lend" money to his spendthrift brother. "Able" said he and his wife had always lived frugally and have saved diligently, while his brother and his wife lived far beyond their means. You responded that if "Able" was comfortable with his decision, he wouldn't have written to you.

He should stick to his guns. The brother and sister-in-law will be siphoning money from here to eternity. Just like an alcoholic, if you give money to folks like that, they'll take and take until the money is gone. I know -- I was one of those takers. I was never taught how to handle money.

I'll bet you get a lot of letters on that one, Abby!

-- HOPEFULLY DOING BETTER IN FLORIDA

DEAR DOING BETTER: You're right. I did get mail from readers who felt I should have encouraged the writer to stand firm. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's time for that brother and his wife to grow up and learn to budget their own money. If "Able's" mother and sister aren't willing to put THEIR money where their mouths are, they should keep quiet. It never makes sense to loan money to a bottomless pit.

Strange, how "Able," the responsible son, is criticized, while the spendthrift, spoiled son runs to Mom and Sis to lay guilt and put pressure on the responsible brother. If the situation were reversed, would the big spender help his brother, I wonder? I don't think so. His selfish lifestyle should not be rewarded. The irresponsible brother should end the pity party and go to work! -- HARD-WORKING MOM IN PROVIDENCE, R.I.

DEAR HARD-WORKING MOM: More readers agreed with you than with me.

DEAR ABBY: The brother made his choices and is reaping the "rewards." If "Able" bails him out, it won't be a one-time thing. It will open the door to keep the money flowing. There is a children's story about the Little Red Hen. The little hen asked for help to plow the garden, plant the seed and pull the weeds. The rest of the farm animals refused. However, when it came time to eat the bread, they all wanted some. Little Red Hen then said "no," because they had done nothing to help.

It's the same with saving money; we go without to build savings to cover our needs in leaner times. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR BRENDA: That's a lesson many people need to learn. Too many are living on credit and accruing a mountain of debt while trying to keep up with the Joneses.

DEAR ABBY: "Able" should insist that his mother and sister co-sign the loan he gives to his brother. That way, if the brother doesn't repay, then they must! But first, that free-spending brother should downsize his expensive house, replace his luxury cars with subcompacts, sell all items that have no sentimental value, and both husband and wife should get out and look for jobs.

It is possible to be supportive of the brother without "Able" handing him money and possibly putting his own retirement at risk. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, IN WASHINGTON

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DEAR ABBY: I would like to share my pet peeve with you. It's being invited to "sales parties" for kitchenware, beauty products, etc. I can't afford to spend money at these so-called parties because I have three children to feed.

I would prefer not to disclose my financial situation to every person who issues these invitations, which arrive sometimes on a weekly basis. I have tried to tell friends that I am busy that night, and they either find out that I really don't have plans or try to sign me up for an "outside order." I have shared with a few friends that I am on a strict budget, and they reply with "just come and don't buy anything."

That's not a workable solution, because the consultants see the word "no" as a challenge and won't take "no" for an answer. Also, it's intimidating to see everyone else pull out their checkbooks. How can I get uninvited permanently so I can stop avoiding the mailbox? -- CAN'T AFFORD MY FRIENDS IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR CAN'T: Real friends don't subject friends to embarrassment or use them to get special deals by promoting commercial products. Ignore the solicitations as you would any other, and don't feel guilty. If you're questioned, just say you weren't interested in buying -- it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended several soccer practices for 6-year-olds. One boy on the team, "Timmy," is so obese he can barely run. His mother screams at him from the sidelines, giving him directions every few minutes. Sometimes the poor child "runs" in the wrong direction and scores for the opposing team. (I personally believe he suffers from ADD.) Timmy said to his mother, "I can't run!" -- and he can't. His large belly and huge thighs prevent him from running. One can see his frustration.

After the game, each player is given a paper sack of refreshments. One time, it was a chocolate cupcake, a bag of chips and a cold drink. At the end of the game, after the snacks, Timmy ran to his mother. He was crying. She was talking on her cell phone. She said, "Here's 50 cents -- go buy a candy bar." My heart aches for this boy. What would you suggest? -- CONCERNED PARENT, BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR CONCERNED: Since you can't change Timmy's mother, speak to the coach. That's the only person the boy should be listening to during a game. Perhaps the mother will take guidance from the coach regarding a healthy diet and exercise regimen for her son. Another thing you might do is volunteer to provide some healthy snacks for the players after the games, and organize the other team moms to do the same.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son was invited to a 14-year-old neighbor's birthday party. On the invitation it said, "Suggested gift -- $20." The boy's parents were aware that he put it on the invitation. I think it was inappropriate to ask for a specific gift, especially money. What's your opinion? -- OFFENDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OFFENDED: My opinion is the same as yours. The fact that the parents didn't put a stop to the gift "suggestion" shows they either endorsed it or didn't know any better. By allowing it, the parents did a disservice to their son.

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DEAR ABBY: When we married in 1998, my husband "Grant" and I agreed that we would never put our parents into a nursing home as long as we were physically able to care for them. After our home was built, my father-in-law, "Papa Jake," moved in with us. Papa Jake is now 73, wheelchair-bound from a stroke, and an alcoholic.

He gets into his motorized wheelchair every day and heads out to the local bar, which is a mile away. When he returns, he's completely intoxicated, and sometimes falls. Papa Jake is also belligerent toward me, and I don't want our 2-year-old son living in this environment. I didn't bargain on this when I married Grant.

Grant refuses to tell Papa Jake that if he can't live by the rules he needs to leave. I have reached my limit. I love Grant, but I can't live like this anymore. When is enough enough? -- FED UP IN NEW YORK

DEAR FED UP: Papa Jake appears to be a danger to himself. If you haven't already done so, inform his doctor about what's going on. It's extremely unfair of your husband to wimp out and allow his father to treat you so disrespectfully -- let alone drive his wheelchair drunk on the public roads.

The bargain you made with your spouse was that you would care for his father as long as you were physically able. Well, since you are not physically able to prevent Papa Jake's forays to the bar (which put his safety at risk), insist that the time has come for Jake to go, and do not back down.

DEAR ABBY: Before a game, my friend asked if I ever had a flame-shooter. Then he went into the bathroom and got a can of hair spray and some matches. He told me to light the match and hold it. While I was holding the match, he sprayed the hair spray on it, and then my hand caught fire. I wasn't burned, but it scared me.

I'm not sure what to do. I want him to still be my friend, but I don't want him to get hurt. Should I let him keep doing it, or should I tell someone and have them tell him to stop? -- WORRIED IN KANSAS

DEAR WORRIED: Have you ever heard the saying that people who play with fire usually wind up getting burned? This applies to you and your friend. All you would need is for one of those "flame-shooters" to explode in your faces, and there would be lifelong consequences. The next time your "friend" suggests playing that game, tell him you'd prefer to do something else. Your mother or your teacher should inform his mother about what her son is up to. The boy is a tragedy waiting to happen.

DEAR ABBY: Early this year, I lost my precious father to cancer. Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary would have been in a few weeks, and we had started planning a big celebration. Now that Dad is gone, how can we acknowledge this day? It seems a shame to do nothing, since in her heart, Mom will always be "with" my father.

Is there a way to have a special acknowledgement of any kind? Any suggestions would be welcome. -- GRIEVING BUT GRATEFUL IN ATLANTA

DEAR GRATEFUL: While a large celebration of your parents' marriage would not be appropriate, I see no reason why family members and close friends shouldn't take your mother out on this emotionally loaded occasion. Certainly, she should not be alone -- and I am sure she would welcome the emotional support.

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