DEAR ABBY: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.

I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.

Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think? -- "TEMPEST" IN L.A.

DEAR TEMPEST: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.

DEAR ABBY: Our 31-year-old son is being married soon in the Midwest. We would like to know what our financial responsibilities are -- if any -- regarding the costs of the wedding, in light of the following:

1. Our travel expenses will be about $1,500, plus an additional $500 for hotel and food.

2. Although 100 guests are invited, we do not know them, as they are all friends and relatives of the bride and her parents.

3. We are giving our son and his bride a gift of $1,000.

4. We have no say in the planning of the wedding.

We want to do what is right, but we don't want to pay unless tradition or etiquette demands it. Please advise. -- PUZZLED PARENTS IN OREGON

DEAR PUZZLED PARENTS: Although it is not obligatory, it is customary for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. The guests should include the bridal party, the bride's parents, the fiances and/or live-in companions of the bridesmaids and ushers, and the clergy who will officiate. The bride's mother can help you select an appropriate restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: Two former teachers made an incredible impact on my life. Both encouraged me to stretch far beyond what I thought possible for myself. They pushed and nudged me, praising my efforts in pursuing my dreams. I promised myself I'd contact them "one day" to let them know how much they influenced my life.

A few months ago, I finally contacted my old high school to see if I could locate them. To my dismay, I learned that one had been killed in a car accident the year before, and the other had gone to the hospital last spring and passed away without ever going home.

I feel terrible. I never had the chance to tell two wonderful people how much they mattered. Please urge your readers to stop right now and make that call. We may never have the chance again. -- TOO LATE IN CLEVELAND

DEAR TOO LATE: That's a lesson I'm sorry you learned the hard way. Kind thoughts are meant to be shared; they do no one any good if you keep them to yourself. To paraphrase a poem I heard years ago: "If you're ever going to love me, love me now. Don't wait until I'm gone and have it chiseled on my headstone; let me hear it while I'm living, so I can enjoy it."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws, who live seven hours away, spent last night in our guest room. They arrived late and had already eaten dinner on the road. My husband was away on business, and my in-laws and I had fun talking, laughing and sharing stories.

This morning I got dressed, spoke with them for a few minutes and left for work. They had the run of the house. I encouraged them to sleep late, help themselves to whatever was in the kitchen, and lock the door behind them when they left.

When I returned from work I noticed they had left a sweet note and a $50 bill! My husband says they did it to be nice and I should accept the money. My mother says I should take the money and buy new sheets for the guest room.

I feel terrible. I don't know why they left the money. My husband and I both work and earn good money. Our house isn't as nice as theirs, but we've been married for only two years. My first reaction was to return the money with a brief note explaining that we don't charge for hospitality. My husband says that would be cruel. Your thoughts, please. -- HURT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HURT: I'm sure no insult was intended. The money was a gift, so accept it graciously in the spirit it was given. Your mother's suggestion to put it toward new sheets for the guest room is a good one. The next time your in-laws visit, show them that you used the money to make them more comfortable. I'm sure they'll be touched.

DEAR ABBY: I am operations manager of the maintenance and custodial department of a large university. It angers me to see how shabbily custodians, food workers and laborers are treated by individuals who think that, because they're college educated, they're above picking up after themselves. They're NOT. Please sign me ... PROUD OF OUR STAFF

DEAR PROUD: Thank you for the important reminder that there is dignity in all work. Respect for others is one of the greatest gifts that can be given year-round -- and it doesn't cost a dime. We are in the season of giving. Take the time to learn the names of people who are too often overlooked and thank them for their efforts.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Victoria," is 20. She attends college and is engaged to a 27-year-old man I'll call Albert. They have been engaged for about a year and have lived together for two. They plan to be married in the fall of 2005.

Victoria and Albert think I should pay him for her rent and other expenses for the two years she has been living with him. It adds up to about $8,000. I think that since Victoria is living with him, Albert should be the provider. My daughter is an adult, and I know I am not obligated to support her. But I want to do the right thing. Frankly, I do not approve of their living arrangement.

Neither of them is speaking to me because I haven't given them the money. Should I pay for something I don't agree with? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: May I be frank? I have wracked my brain trying to come up with one single reason why you should -- and I can't come up with even one. And if your daughter's fiance were much of a man, he wouldn't ask you to. Please don't submit to blackmail. If you do, it will be only the beginning.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a married mother of two, with what I thought was a good marriage. My husband, "Charles," and I like to surf the Web, and trust each other enough not to check user histories -- but one morning he forgot to close a window on his computer.

What I saw shook me. Charles had joined a "married but looking" Web site about a year ago. It was news to me. I thought we had a strong marriage. His profile said he wanted a casual, discreet "fling" with no strings attached. It said that he was married, but not happily! (He never said that to me.) It also showed that he had contacted three women, one here in our small town.

I am deeply hurt. Even if he hasn't followed through, I feel that he has cheated on me by contacting those women. I know I need to talk to him and find out what is going on, but I don't know how to approach him without him claiming that I invaded his privacy.

Marriage counseling is not an option. Money is tight, and the minister of the church where we attend is his uncle. Why didn't he come to me and say he isn't happy? Please tell me what to do. -- HURT AND HUMILIATED IN ADRIAN, MICH.

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be as scared of telling you he's unhappy as you are to tell him that you know. Subconsciously, I suspect he wanted to be caught. That's why he "forgot" to close the window on his computer. For the sake of your marriage, it's time to clear the air.

Tell Charles that you are aware of his extracurricular activities and how you feel. Do not allow him to put you on the defensive. If you think he might lie, contact the women and ask what's been going on. If you can't afford marriage counseling, seek aid and comfort from a clergyperson. Since you prefer not to confide in your husband's uncle, consult another minister.

P.S. Because you now question Charles' fidelity, talk to your doctor and ask to be checked for STDs.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s with a group of close friends who have been together since college. We have a question on which we are divided.

A couple of the women feel it is OK to apply lipstick, or powder their noses, at the table in a restaurant. The others feel it's inappropriate. We realize that in the scheme of things, this is a small issue, but it's causing unrest among us. There is also the question of whether or not it is appropriate to talk on a cell phone at the restaurant table. -- NEEDS A REPLY IN DAVIDSONVILLE, MD.

DEAR NEEDS: You're right; in the scheme of things, it is a small issue. I was taught that if the repair is a "quickie" -- a dab of powder or an unobtrusive application of lipstick -- it is permissible at the table. If it takes more than a minute, the repair job should be done in the ladies' room.

As to cell phones: It is rude and distracting to use one at the table, and some restaurants ask guests to turn them off so other diners are not disturbed by the ringing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)