DEAR ABBY: My in-laws, who live seven hours away, spent last night in our guest room. They arrived late and had already eaten dinner on the road. My husband was away on business, and my in-laws and I had fun talking, laughing and sharing stories.

This morning I got dressed, spoke with them for a few minutes and left for work. They had the run of the house. I encouraged them to sleep late, help themselves to whatever was in the kitchen, and lock the door behind them when they left.

When I returned from work I noticed they had left a sweet note and a $50 bill! My husband says they did it to be nice and I should accept the money. My mother says I should take the money and buy new sheets for the guest room.

I feel terrible. I don't know why they left the money. My husband and I both work and earn good money. Our house isn't as nice as theirs, but we've been married for only two years. My first reaction was to return the money with a brief note explaining that we don't charge for hospitality. My husband says that would be cruel. Your thoughts, please. -- HURT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HURT: I'm sure no insult was intended. The money was a gift, so accept it graciously in the spirit it was given. Your mother's suggestion to put it toward new sheets for the guest room is a good one. The next time your in-laws visit, show them that you used the money to make them more comfortable. I'm sure they'll be touched.

DEAR ABBY: I am operations manager of the maintenance and custodial department of a large university. It angers me to see how shabbily custodians, food workers and laborers are treated by individuals who think that, because they're college educated, they're above picking up after themselves. They're NOT. Please sign me ... PROUD OF OUR STAFF

DEAR PROUD: Thank you for the important reminder that there is dignity in all work. Respect for others is one of the greatest gifts that can be given year-round -- and it doesn't cost a dime. We are in the season of giving. Take the time to learn the names of people who are too often overlooked and thank them for their efforts.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Victoria," is 20. She attends college and is engaged to a 27-year-old man I'll call Albert. They have been engaged for about a year and have lived together for two. They plan to be married in the fall of 2005.

Victoria and Albert think I should pay him for her rent and other expenses for the two years she has been living with him. It adds up to about $8,000. I think that since Victoria is living with him, Albert should be the provider. My daughter is an adult, and I know I am not obligated to support her. But I want to do the right thing. Frankly, I do not approve of their living arrangement.

Neither of them is speaking to me because I haven't given them the money. Should I pay for something I don't agree with? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: May I be frank? I have wracked my brain trying to come up with one single reason why you should -- and I can't come up with even one. And if your daughter's fiance were much of a man, he wouldn't ask you to. Please don't submit to blackmail. If you do, it will be only the beginning.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I am a married mother of two, with what I thought was a good marriage. My husband, "Charles," and I like to surf the Web, and trust each other enough not to check user histories -- but one morning he forgot to close a window on his computer.

What I saw shook me. Charles had joined a "married but looking" Web site about a year ago. It was news to me. I thought we had a strong marriage. His profile said he wanted a casual, discreet "fling" with no strings attached. It said that he was married, but not happily! (He never said that to me.) It also showed that he had contacted three women, one here in our small town.

I am deeply hurt. Even if he hasn't followed through, I feel that he has cheated on me by contacting those women. I know I need to talk to him and find out what is going on, but I don't know how to approach him without him claiming that I invaded his privacy.

Marriage counseling is not an option. Money is tight, and the minister of the church where we attend is his uncle. Why didn't he come to me and say he isn't happy? Please tell me what to do. -- HURT AND HUMILIATED IN ADRIAN, MICH.

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be as scared of telling you he's unhappy as you are to tell him that you know. Subconsciously, I suspect he wanted to be caught. That's why he "forgot" to close the window on his computer. For the sake of your marriage, it's time to clear the air.

Tell Charles that you are aware of his extracurricular activities and how you feel. Do not allow him to put you on the defensive. If you think he might lie, contact the women and ask what's been going on. If you can't afford marriage counseling, seek aid and comfort from a clergyperson. Since you prefer not to confide in your husband's uncle, consult another minister.

P.S. Because you now question Charles' fidelity, talk to your doctor and ask to be checked for STDs.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s with a group of close friends who have been together since college. We have a question on which we are divided.

A couple of the women feel it is OK to apply lipstick, or powder their noses, at the table in a restaurant. The others feel it's inappropriate. We realize that in the scheme of things, this is a small issue, but it's causing unrest among us. There is also the question of whether or not it is appropriate to talk on a cell phone at the restaurant table. -- NEEDS A REPLY IN DAVIDSONVILLE, MD.

DEAR NEEDS: You're right; in the scheme of things, it is a small issue. I was taught that if the repair is a "quickie" -- a dab of powder or an unobtrusive application of lipstick -- it is permissible at the table. If it takes more than a minute, the repair job should be done in the ladies' room.

As to cell phones: It is rude and distracting to use one at the table, and some restaurants ask guests to turn them off so other diners are not disturbed by the ringing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "All Tipped Out," commenting on the increasing number of "tip jars" she encounters in business establishments, I had to write and say I couldn't agree more.

I first noticed the phenomenon about 15 years ago, at a wine-and-cheese fund-raiser for an organization to which I belonged. I was flabbergasted to see that the people pouring the wine had a tip jar on the bar. I assumed that we had hired these people as part of the contract, and certainly never expected to see them blatantly soliciting tips. However, I couldn't convince the event organizers to do anything about it.

Since then, I have seen tip jars on the open bars at weddings. Only once have I seen the father of the bride have the good sense and righteous indignation to order them removed immediately.

There is no reason to tolerate paid help hustling one's invited guests for tips. You wouldn't put up with this at a catered event at your home. -- PAT C., HOCKESSIN, DEL.

DEAR PAT: Good point. Frankly, I too was surprised at how prevalent the practice has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "All Tipped Out" to hold onto her hat. There is a doctor's office in our town -- a beautiful facility with lots of employees and patients -- that does the same thing, although in a slightly less blatant way.

A friend of mine went to this office to have a procedure done. It was not performed by the doctor, but by a technician. When she went to pay at the reception desk, she was asked if she would like to "tip" the technician.

I have no problem tipping in establishments where I know the employees are not receiving minimum wage and depend on tips to supplement their incomes. However, I have no doubt that technician was earning more than minimum wage, and I don't think it was appropriate to ask a patient for a tip.

I will be more on my toes than my friend was. I will say, "Perhaps the doctor should give his technician a raise if she needs tips." -- ALWAYS A NEW TWIST IN WYOMING

DEAR NEW TWIST: What you have described seems more like a demand than a request, and it's appalling.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a local bakery, and there is a tip jar; however, the employees who work the counter earn the same as everyone else, and it's more than minimum wage. Yet they expect tips and make rude comments when the customer leaves if they are not received. I find this embarrassing. I'd be less dismayed if the tips were divided by everyone, and the comments were kept in check. -- E. CLAIRE IN CAMBRIDGE

DEAR E. CLAIRE: Your boss should be made aware of what's going on in the front of his shop. If word leaks out, it will affect the business.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small restaurant where there's a tip jar on the counter. I don't "expect" tips because of it. What makes my day is when a customer is friendly, cheerful, and says "please" and "thank you." "All Tipped Out" needn't feel obligated to tip. Just being polite and friendly will make an employee's day far more than any tip could. -- HAPPY SERVER IN CANADA

DEAR HAPPY SERVER: You're 100 percent right -- but that's a subject for another column.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)