DEAR ABBY: A person very dear to my heart, "Ruth," has always donated to her community blood drives. It's a form of philanthropy she enjoys. Ruth remarried a few months ago and asked her new husband, "Tony," to attend the blood drive with her. His reply left her stunned and changed her life forever. Tony confided that in his youth, he had been a needle-type drug user and now he can't give blood.

Mind you, Tony is a good, hardworking, straight-arrow man now, but he was foolish in his youth. When Ruth went to the blood drive, she was asked: "In the past 12 months have you slept with anyone who has ever used a needle?" She explained that yes, as a teenager, her husband had done drugs. She was told that as long as she is with Tony, she can't give blood anymore. Ruth is hurt and angry at her husband for what he took from her. I feel lost as a friend about what to say to help her.

Abby, Tony's drug use was more than 27 years ago. Is Ruth right that this will follow them forever and she can never give blood again? -- GIFT OF LIFE GONE IN MARYLAND

DEAR GIFT: Your letter is a pertinent reminder that youthful experimentation can have lifelong consequences. Those rules were established for a good reason -- to protect our blood supply. In years past, some people were infected with life-threatening diseases because the supply of donated blood was not screened well enough, so it makes perfect sense that organizations now go to exceptional lengths to guarantee the safety of blood and blood products.

It might lift your friend's spirits if you remind her that there are other things she can do to contribute to her community. She could volunteer to work at the blood drive in some capacity other than a donor. She could also hold a bake sale to raise funds for "the cause." Rather than blaming her husband at this late date, she should respect the rules and explore her other options.

DEAR ABBY: My nephew, who is also my godson, has decided to marry my youngest stepdaughter. Which side of the church should I sit on -- the bride's or the groom's side? My husband and children think I should sit on the groom's side. I am afraid someone will feel hurt no matter what I do. -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR BETWIXT: Ask your nephew and stepdaughter where they would like you to sit and abide by their decision. The alternative would be to bring a folding chair and sit in the middle.

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays approaching, I would like to share an alternative to the traditional office gift exchange. For the past few years, we have drawn names, but instead of buying gifts, we buy toys that in some way remind us of the person whose name we have drawn. The toy can represent their hobby, their job, their personality, etc.

After exchanging the gifts at our annual Christmas party and seeing how creative our fellow workers have been, the toys are then donated to a toy drive.

This tradition is rewarding for us and joyful for the children who otherwise would not receive gifts. -- ELVES IN GLENDALE

DEAR ELVES: I love the idea. The gifts don't have to be expensive, and more than one person can enjoy them.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You missed the mark with your advice to "Sad in the South," the woman who said she was miserable in her 35-year marriage to "Homer." She said she was afraid her "small pension" was insufficient to support her if she divorced him. You advised her to get a volunteer job that might turn into a paying position.

Abby, after 35 years of marriage, that woman is entitled to a significant portion of her husband's "very nice (retirement) annuity" and any other benefits he will receive. She should consult a lawyer specializing in family law about her rights, if she's as miserable as she says she is, and then divorce him. Life is too short. She has already missed 35 years of it by staying with a man who made her so unhappy. -- CALIFORNIA LAWYER

DEAR LAWYER: In my own defense, I felt that volunteering would get the woman out of the house and give her enough of a boost that she would feel better. I was surprised at how many readers disagreed with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You should have advised "Sad in the South," who is married to "the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born," to see an attorney about her rights to some of his assets if she should decide to leave. She may also need counseling to regain enough self-esteem to leave, and it would be better than staying in the situation she's in. I hope she gets out while she still has some enjoyable years left. -- A FRIEND IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR FRIEND: She called her husband cunning, clever and manipulative. Although those traits are obnoxious, nowhere did she say he mistreated her. Instead of divorcing her husband, I'd rather she saw a counselor and learned how to stand her ground. She said at first she gave in because she loved him, then she did it to avoid an argument, and now she does it out of habit. Instead of just walking away, wouldn't it be better if she first gave him a chance to change?

DEAR ABBY: That woman needs to educate herself about the laws governing pension plans and Social Security, and the best way to do it is to see a lawyer. Then, like me, she may learn she has more coming to her than she thinks.

I not only have enough money to get by, I have enough to enjoy things I never would have experienced with my husband. I live comfortably in a retirement village where I pay according to my income, and I'm enjoying the new friends I've made here. I was granted half my husband's pension, half the savings and stocks, and all of the household items. After his death a few months ago, my Social Security increased, so I went on a cruise with friends to celebrate. Everyone says my happiness is what killed my husband, who died an angry and bitter man.

My life has become a paradise, and everything I have dreamed of has come to pass. -- FINALLY HAPPY IN INDIANA

DEAR FINALLY: It appears you're sitting in clover, while your husband is lying under it. I don't know what he did to you that makes you take such joy in the circumstances of his death, but I wonder if the punishment fits the crime.

P.S. One woman to another: It isn't nice to gloat.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Lenny" and I live in Florida. About six weeks ago, my girlfriend, "Jill," and I broke up. Jill is 20 and I am 41. She was adopted by her parents as an infant.

Jill's parents saw no problem with the age difference because I had gained their trust during the year before I started seeing her.

Jill and her folks moved to Illinois, but we talk on the phone at least three times a week. I proposed marriage, but Jill said she couldn't make the decision without her father's approval. Her mother was all for it; her father was not.

Jill says that when her parents adopted her, her father put a clause in the contract that he had the right to choose the man she was to marry -- and it was signed by a judge in the state of Illinois. Is this legal? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: No, it's not. Either Jill is lying to you, or someone is lying to her.

DEAR ABBY: I have eight siblings. I am the only one who is still single. My brothers and sisters are upstanding members of their communities, happily married and raising beautiful families.

Until a few years ago, we all got together for the holidays. Now that the children are here -- 20 at last count -- my sibs prefer to spend the holidays in their own homes with their families. We get together a couple of weeks before Christmas to exchange gifts.

I know that each of my brothers and sisters thinks I'm having Christmas dinner with another family member, but in reality I'm not invited anywhere, so I spend the day alone. I'd love to spend the day with family, and I'm hoping they will see this letter and think of me. -- ALL ALONE IN MARYLAND

DEAR ALL ALONE: And what if they happen to be too busy to read the column today? Your siblings aren't mind readers, so tell them what you told me. And if an invitation isn't forthcoming, make plans for the Christmas holiday with close friends or volunteer at a shelter. The greatest joy is in giving to others. You do not have to sit alone.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 11 and in sixth grade. I recently caught a girl in my class copying off my paper. When I asked her not to, she denied doing it. The next day, she started copying down my answers word for word. This time, I asked her if she would like to pair up and work together. She sneered at me and told me to get my "help" from the teacher.

I told the teacher then, and the teacher replied, "She is having trouble with her work and personal problems at home. Just imagine if this math was hard for you."

The girl has ADHD. Should I continue to let this girl copy me? -- STUDENT IN PHOENIX

DEAR STUDENT: No, you should not. Because if you do, a girl who is already having trouble with math will never learn how to solve the problems herself.

P.S. It was nice of you to volunteer to help by pairing up with her. But this girl has bigger problems than you are equipped to cope with.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)