DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I lost my wife of 16 years to cancer. "Ethel" and I didn't have a perfect marriage, but we worked at it. We both had grown children from first marriages. We also had a child together, a boy, "Ben," who is 13.

Last spring I began seeing a very nice lady I'll call Blanche. Ethel's daughters have little to do with me since their mother's death and are encouraging Ben to be rude and distant to Blanche. I realize Ben has issues, but I have tried to explain to him that life goes on. Blanche is not trying to replace his mother; she would like to be his friend.

My question is, when should I tell my in-laws about Blanche?

To everyone reading this: If at all possible, become a donor of some sort. My eternal thanks to the caring individual who gave his bone marrow to Ethel in an effort to save a complete stranger. God bless you. -- NEEDS TO MOVE ON IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR NEEDS: Ethel's daughters most likely have already told your in-laws about Blanche, so you should tell them the "news" now. If you don't, it will appear that you are sneaking around -- and it's important not to create that impression. It may be painful for Ethel's relatives to hear, so don't be surprised if they are less than thrilled.

Family counseling might be helpful for you, your son, and Ethel's daughters if they are open to it. Should the "girls" refuse, go with Ben. He is still young, and he lost his mother at a time when he still needed her. You are probably further along in the grieving process than your son because you had a chance to grieve for your wife during her illness.

For Ben's sake, I hope you take your time before remarrying. He apparently needs more time to adjust and to understand that the new lady in your life is not a threat to his mother's memory.

DEAR ABBY: I met my biological father last June, after waiting 15 years to do so. His side of the family was very warm and welcoming. They treated me as though they had known me all my life. I was nervous about meeting them, so I took my boyfriend. They treated him like family too.

I have not told my mom that I went to see the other family, because she would no longer speak to me, and I don't want her mad at me. My parents had an extremely bitter divorce. Mom still holds a grudge, and she expects me to as well.

I am being married soon, and now I am being forced to choose between my mom and my biological father. I would like everyone to be there, and for my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. My fiance likes my biological father and his side of the family and wants them all to be there, too. I am stuck in the middle. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE OUT WEST

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: It's time to grow up and tell your mother what you did. Although the divorce was devastating, you have the right to know your father and paternal relatives if you wish. Ask her, as her wedding gift to you, to bury her enmity for one day so you can have the wedding of your dreams. Many other families have done this, and the experience can be healing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an openly gay man, out of the closet at work, at college and with friends. I'm out to everyone except my family, who have made it clear that being gay is unacceptable.

I spent years trying to change my sexual orientation, which I now know to be about as achievable as changing the color of my eyes.

I don't know how to come out to my family, or if I even should. The only family member who knows said, "They'll only hear what they want to hear, and they don't want to hear this."

A friend recently asked me what would happen if I was in a relationship. Would I hide forever or come out by saying, "Folks, meet my boyfriend!" He said I should come out for ME, not for them.

Right now I'm confused. One of my family members is disabled and I don't know if the news would kill him. What's the wisest thing to do? -- ALMOST OUT IN CANTON, OHIO

DEAR ALMOST OUT: In all the time I have been associated with this column -- and it's decades -- I have never heard of anyone "dying" from being told that a family member is gay. In fact, the family usually has had some inkling by the time the person chooses to say it.

In your case, the "wisest thing to do" would be to contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and request information about how to come out to your family. At the same time, ask for literature that will help your family understand that sexual orientation isn't something a person "chooses" on a lark, nor is it something for which a person should be punished. PFLAG can be reached at: www.pflag.org; or by e-mail: info(at)pflag.org; or at 1726 M St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.

I hope your family is willing to broaden their perspective. If not, the loss will be theirs, because it appears you already have other sources of emotional support. Good for you, because people who are happy and involved with others live fuller, more productive lives than those who stay locked in emotional isolation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widowed 48-year-old grandmother raising three beautiful grandchildren, who has been lucky enough to find a really special man I'll call "Dale."

I have had four major relationships in my life. The last two have ended with their deaths. The first -- my late husband -- died in a work-related car accident. The second died of an aortic aneurysm.

Dale has proposed marriage and I said yes; however, my doubts are linked to the adage, "It comes in threes," and I'm afraid I'll lose him too. If this seems silly, I'm sorry. I loved both of the men who died, and after the last one I swore never to love like this again. However, God says, "Never say never." Can you help me? -- GUN-SHY IN PHOENIX

DEAR GUN-SHY: Consider this: The only thing sillier than bowing to your superstitions would be to sacrifice a mutual love out of fear. You can't change what happened in the past, but if you think positive and concentrate on the present, the future will take care of itself. In a sense, we all "place our bets and take our chances" because in life there are no guarantees. The secret is to think positive.

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DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with a man who is handsome, smart and loving. We are engaged and happy together. The problem? We met on the Internet.

Abby, he thinks I am 26, but I'm not. Everything I've said to him has been a lie. I am really 12. I have tried to tell him the truth, but he doesn't believe me or thinks I'm joking. I try to break up with him, but we both can't say goodbye forever. I am 100 percent sure it's love.

He is planning to visit me in January. He says we will get married and have a nice future together. No one knows about this, so I need your help. What do I do next? How do I let go? -- LOST IN LOVE IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LOST IN LOVE: You have been lying on the Internet. What makes you think that he hasn't been lying, too? Has it occurred to you that this man who "won't let go" could be a child molester in his 40s or 50s? What do you plan to do when he shows up? If you become further involved, he could be arrested!

For your safety, I urge you to tell your parents what has been going on. You have gotten yourself in over your head, and you may need more adult intervention than this columnist to get you out of the pit you have dug for yourself. Please talk to your parents. TODAY!

DEAR ABBY: I have a 14-year-old son, "Adam," whose paternal grandmother, "Bryna," is making life difficult for him. He has acne, for which he's seeing a dermatologist. He also needs braces, and I'm working on that as well.

When Adam goes to visit Grandma Bryna, he gets put-down after put-down. She "comments" about his acne and also his teeth.

I am no longer married to her son (he's deceased), and while we were married, we all got pretty much the same treatment. I don't want to sever ties with Bryna, as Adam still wants that connection with his dad. My daughter, who is older, refuses to have anything more to do with her.

When Bryna says these things to my son, she instructs him not to say anything about it to me. I don't want her to accuse him of ratting her out. I am ready to tell her not to contact us again. Should I take such a drastic step and cut off all ties with her? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why not? The woman is spreading poison. If you had poison oak in your garden, wouldn't you remove it?

DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, I went through the painful breakup of a relationship with a man I deeply loved. After months of grieving, I have met someone else. "Grant" and I hit it off on our first date. We have been seeing each other for two months and have a lot in common. He is thoughtful, respectful and attentive, and I think he could be "the one."

My problem: Grant plans to retire from work at the end of January and move out of state. He is having a beautiful home built in a small town in the South and talks about when he goes as though he plans to go alone.

I am afraid of being abandoned and hurt again. I would like to go with him, but I'm afraid if I say it so early in our relationship that I'll scare him off. Please tell me what to do. -- MOVING MADNESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MOVING: Eight weeks of dating is too soon to ask a person to state his –- or her -- intentions. Let the relationship play out a while longer. On New Year's Eve, when you are toasting each other, tell him what your wish for 2005 would be, and cross your fingers.

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