DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter went through exactly what the 16-year-old girl, "Not Interested in North Carolina," is experiencing.

I encouraged my daughter to make a list of all the things she wanted to accomplish in the future, and tell me if having a boyfriend would help. After she read what she had written, she came to the conclusion that dating was out for now, and she's fine with it. Now, when she feels peer pressure at school, she looks at her list -– which includes being a wonderful daughter, going to the college of her choice and traveling to certain foreign countries.

"Not Interested" should tape a similar list to her mirror or on the back of a door for easy reference. -- ENCOURAGING MOM, MIDLAND, TEXAS

DEAR MOM: After "Not Interested's" letter was printed, I was deluged with letters and e-mail from readers offering support. The number was overwhelming –- too many to count. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I hope that girl doesn't succumb to peer pressure. It's far more important to know who you are than to have a boyfriend. Having healthy relationships should be her focus, not fitting into what "society" tells her to do.

I am now 24 and engaged to be married next summer. By waiting until I was ready, I knew exactly what kind of relationship I wanted and have found a wonderful man who shares my values. -- HAPPY I WAITED IN OHIO

DEAR HAPPY: I agree, it takes courage not to follow the crowd. Not one of those who wrote to support "Not Interested" was sorry to have postponed dating.

DEAR ABBY: I was that girl, a "hard-core tomboy," which by the way, does not necessarily mean you're gay. (There are many very feminine lesbians.) I married at 22 and have been married for 21 years. After I had children, I realized that I am a lesbian -– and I have recently come out to my husband, family and friends.

My advice to "Not Interested" is to take her time dating boys, have fun with her sports, etc., and remember –- it's OK if she IS gay. If she's struggling, she should seek a gay support group for teens. -- LOVING MOM, SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR LOVING MOM: That's good advice for teens who may need it.

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a hard-core tomboy. I was never into makeup or jewelry, and my only relationship as a teenager was one rather short-lived stint of "going steady" with a male friend in my freshman year of high school –- more because it seemed "expected" then because of any real attraction.

My family wondered if I was heterosexual. When, in my last year of college, I found the one special man I had been waiting for and announced it to my family, one relative even asked if I was marrying a man!

I'm now happily married to my soul mate, but I still have not settled into a typically feminine role. I am a full-time career firefighter, one of only three in a department of 200 members. I am also a paramedic and a member of the K9 search and rescue community.

That girl should not permit other people to mold her into what they think she ought to be. She sounds like a perfectly healthy, normal young woman to me. There are plenty of people who are just like us. I didn't marry until I was in my mid-20s. All things considered, I turned out pretty well despite "late blooming" –- and so will she. -- FORMER TOMBOY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FORMER TOMBOY: Not only have you done "pretty well," you're one heck of a role model for the rest of us!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that my husband of 20 years bought diamond earrings and something from Victoria's Secret for another woman. His explanation? "She's just a friend, and she's married to a jerk." He has told me many different stories about her. I checked them out and found they were all lies.

Someone once told me that when a man buys diamond earrings or a bracelet, it means he's already slept with her. What do you think? -- WANTS THE TRUTH IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WANTS THE TRUTH: Diamond earrings? That's quite an investment. When a man gives diamonds to a woman, it's a good bet that he's getting plenty in return -- or hoping to.

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of ours, "Rhonda" and "Mike," planned to be married. They have two small children together. Mike is a longtime childhood friend of my husband's; we met Rhonda through Mike. Mike and Rhonda are no longer together. It was a messy breakup. They no longer speak to each other, and they even have relatives intercede in the exchange of their children so they do not have to see each other.

My husband and I gave Rhonda $100 as a down payment on the wedding dress that she just "had" to have. Mike and Rhonda both thanked us, and said not to buy a wedding gift, that the money was gift enough. Rhonda bought the dress and now plans to sell it.

My husband and I are not well-off, and we would like our money back. We feel that now the wedding has been canceled, the money should be returned. Rhonda has not offered to do it. Should we confront her and tell her that when she sells the dress that we'd like the $100 back? How should we handle this? -- WANTS OUR MONEY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WANTS: Rather than "confront" Rhonda, remind her that when she sells the dress, you would like her to return the money. But don't hold your breath. Since your friendship was based on your longstanding friendship with Mike, she may assume that her relationship with you is history -- and not feel inclined to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I have fallen in love with a wonderful man I'll call "Hank." Hank is everything I want in a man. We have been together for five months, and he is always very well-dressed -- which is important to me. I take pride in the way I look and want my partner to do the same.

Hank and I went out yesterday. It was cold outside and Hank said he would wear a sweater. Well, Abby, the sweater looked like something he found in a trash bin! It was stained, dirty and faded. How do I tell Hank that sweater has to go without hurting his feelings? I felt embarrassed to be with him, which I hated to admit to myself. How can I tell him not to wear it again? -- EMBARRASSED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Do NOT tell him not to wear it again, or that you felt embarrassed to be seen with him in it. When an otherwise spiffy dresser wears a garment that is "old, stained, faded," etc., it is safe to assume that the item has sentimental value. Since you prefer that he wear something nicer, buy him a sweater or two -- and as the weather grows colder, let him know how much it would please you to see him in something you selected especially for him.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year-old battered woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of that year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call.

At first I thought, "How can this help ME?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.

Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.

After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life. -- GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in YOUR honor.

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)