DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "Harold," and I are starting to discuss marriage and starting a family. I am hesitant because of one thing: We have very different views about disciplining children.

My parents never used violence as a form of punishment, and I don't want to use it to discipline my kids. I think that other methods of discipline work just as well, without destroying the bond between parent and child.

When Harold was young, his father would discipline the kids by hitting them with a belt. Harold sees nothing wrong with this, although the only argument seems to be, "I turned out OK."

This is only partially true. Both Harold and his brother have big anger management issues. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but this is a major issue for me.

Do you think this marriage would work, and are there any good compromises we could agree on? -- NON-VIOLENT IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR NON-VIOLENT: Your boyfriend may believe that he has turned out OK, but the fact that he has anger management problems proves that he didn't. Before any decisions about marriage are made, Harold should get professional help to get to the root of his problems, which are likely the result of his father's abuse.

You and Harold should enroll in classes on child development and parenting. Some hospitals, high schools and community colleges offer them. Unless the two of you can reach a firm agreement about this subject, you should NOT marry. The marriage would last only until he raised a hand or a belt to you or your little one -- and then it would be history, and rightly so. Children respond far better to praise than to punishment. The only thing that hitting a child proves is that violence is acceptable.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and a junior in high school. My best friend says there may be something wrong with me. When I was younger, I was a hard-core tomboy. I stayed that way until I got to be 13.

Finally, in my freshman year of high school, I began to wear makeup on occasion -- but to this day, I have never been interested in dating guys. I mean I like guys, but I don't care to DATE them. People look at me like I'm crazy when they hear me say that. Once a guy I know said he thought I was gay. I'm not. Now my friend is saying I might have a problem.

Abby, do I? Is it OK not to be drooling over guys right now? Should I date so people won't get the impression I'm gay? Please help. -- NOT INTERESTED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: No, and it is OK not to be obsessed with boys right now. Not everyone -- male or female -- matures at the same rate. I have received letters from readers telling me they didn't become seriously interested in a romantic relationship until they were 18 or 19, or even older. You may be a late bloomer.

People are "coming out" much earlier than they used to, and were you attracted to people of the same sex, you would probably know it. If you don't think you're gay, you probably aren't. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into dating until you are ready. To do otherwise would be doing yourself and the other person a disservice.

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DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Bound and Gagged in Pennsylvania" would have been considered correct in the past. As a retired police captain, I would have given similar advice years ago. However, today, with information gained primarily from carjackings, as well as situations like the armed robbery described in your column, advice has changed.

Too often, victims (particularly children) who permit themselves to be tied up or abducted are assaulted or killed. The robber in the letter from "Bound and Gagged" had permitted the women to see his face. That's a cue that he may not have intended to leave them alive.

Every case is different, but perhaps the woman could have taken the opportunity when the girl struck out to attempt an escape or to raise an alarm. You have to play any incident as you see it, but we no longer advise people to just give in. -- BILL P. IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BILL P.: Thank you for writing. A number of readers took exception to my answer, and their opinions deserve to be aired. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a former police officer, I feel you did a disservice in judging the young robbery victim's reaction to the threat as wrong. It seems clear to me that she was acting on her strong instincts of self-preservation. I would be loath to characterize her response as improper. In fact, I think she displayed tremendous courage.

That robber had given neither woman any reason to trust him. There have been numerous instances in which victims were bound and gagged prior to being shot in the back of the head, execution-style, for no other reason than to prevent witnesses.

I would never suggest that anyone fight an armed attacker over mere money. However, when the attacker demands that you trust him with your bound-and-gagged life, I'd say the decision to fight or submit must be left with the person threatened. -- STEPHANIE M., BREMEN, OHIO

DEAR STEPHANIE: I bow to your expertise. You have witnessed violence and its aftermath more than I.

DEAR ABBY: Remember Flight 93 on 9/11? If the passengers on that plane had taken your advice, the plane would have either crashed into the White House or the Capitol. And remember the shoe bomber? If those passengers had taken your advice, they all would have died. Remember the advice they used to give to women who were about to be raped? "Don't fight back; you might get hurt." Wrong! You usually get hurt anyway, often killed after being tortured. -- BILL M., GARRISON, MONT.

DEAR BILL M.: In the cases you have cited, the choice was clear-cut -- fight or die. Not every situation is this way. How does one know when to take the risk?

DEAR ABBY: In the past, I let people harm me because I was told it was "safer" than fighting back. I now know otherwise. One determined woman can easily overpower a man, let alone two determined women! You were correct in terms of encouraging them to take self-defense classes. Many of the students, myself included, have found self-defense training has helped us to become more assertive in many other areas of our lives. I'll leave you with a favorite saying I was taught in self-defense class: It's not the size of the woman in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the woman! -- GISELE IN BERKELEY

DEAR GISELE: I agree that knowledge is power and that includes how to defend oneself. Sadly, although I was raised with the principle that violence is wrong, in instances like this, I now realize that it may be necessary to fight for one's life in order to save it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Diana," is a successful interior designer. Her son, "Brent," and I just moved into a new home, and she can't wait to visit. In the past, this has meant days of listening to Diana's endless suggestions about all of the "wonderful things we can do" with "our" new home. Brent is no help when it comes to shutting her off.

I'm anxious about Diana's visit because she ignores my hints that she keep her ideas to herself. Am I being mean-spirited? Her ideas are usually not in keeping with our style or budget.

How should we handle it when she offers a house-warming gift -- like lawn furniture -- and insists on "helping" us pick it out? Diana visits so often that we can't accept something and not use it.

Abby, this has gone on for 13 years. I love her in so many other ways, but this makes me feel like an ungrateful daughter-in-law. Please help. -- ANXIOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Since Diana is an interior designer by profession, she could be verbalizing her ideas out of force of habit. Once the ideas start flowing, it can be hard to shut off the tap. Rather than becoming defensive when Diana starts offering suggestions, simply tell her that you will "keep them in mind" or "give them some thought." It's not insulting, nor does it commit you in any way.

If she offers a house-warming gift, remind her that her tastes and yours are not always in sync -- and let her know what YOU have in mind. After all, you will have to live with the results. As a professional, she can respect that -- and with her resources, she can show you things you might never have dreamed were available.

DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, my husband sent his 22-year-old daughter a check for a special occasion. She still hasn't cashed it. She insists if she cashes it, the money will be spent on groceries and rent instead of something special.

My mother always told me it was rude not to cash a check from someone immediately, because otherwise the sender had to deal with it every month when trying to balance his or her checkbook. My husband says I am picking on her. Am I old-fashioned? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN COLORADO

DEAR STEPMOM: Here in California, if a check isn't cashed within a certain time, it's considered invalid. However, since your husband has accused you of sniping at his daughter, and he doesn't seem to mind the inconvenience caused by his daughter's outstanding check, it's time to halt the helpful criticism and examine your motives.

DEAR ABBY: I recently introduced my 31-year-old son and his ladyfriend of three years as my son "Ian" and his friend "Lisa." Lisa took offense and said I should have introduced them as Ian and his GIRLFRIEND Lisa.

Since they are not married or engaged, was I correct in my introduction? -- IAN'S MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Technically, perhaps. However, since your son and Lisa have been an item for three years, it would have been more accurate to have introduced her as his girlfriend. It appears your offhand introduction struck a nerve, but it may be because she's sensitive about that subject.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)