DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old, happily married woman. "Nolan" and I were married in 2002 and only recently informed my parents. Two years ago, I just wanted to be married to Nolan. I knew my family would not approve, so we eloped. Nolan's family knew about our elopement and are happy for us.

We planned to have a large family wedding "later." I have been planning my perfect wedding since I was 5.

Now my grandmother says that having a reception would be a good idea, but a "wedding" with a dress and attendants would be in very bad taste. I disagree -- but am I being selfish? I love my family, but I am going to have only one ceremony in my life.

I was thinking we could have it in the church and I could have bridesmaids and everything. I won't wear white -- my gown would be ivory. What do you think? -- MARRIED "BRIDE-TO-BE"

DEAR MARRIED: Your grandmother is a wise lady, and you should listen to her because she's right. A reception to celebrate your marriage would be far more tasteful than staging the wedding you skipped when you eloped. However, if and when you and Nolan decide to renew your vows -- perhaps on your fifth anniversary -- the ceremony you have in mind would be more appropriate at that time.

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful, loving niece, "Marissa," who just turned 30. She desperately wants to be married and have children.

Marissa has been dating a man for two years. Last week, he told her that she's the one he wants to marry and have children with, but he's not ready to do it yet.

We have tried to talk to Marissa and encourage her to go out with friends and enjoy life, but she can't seem to do it. Every time she hears that someone has gotten engaged or become pregnant, she gets depressed. Have you any words of wisdom for Marissa? We have exhausted our supply. Please print this. When I see your answer, I'll run it right over to her apartment. -- CARING AUNT IN OHIO

DEAR AUNT: If Marissa won't listen to you and those who love her, she's not going to be receptive to "wisdom" from me. She does, however, need some answers before she devotes any more time to her boyfriend.

After two years, why isn't he ready for marriage? Is he not ready emotionally? Financially? Does he still have wild oats to sow?

Her biological clock is ticking. If he really plans to have a family with her, a talk with her ob-gyn might speed him to the altar. If it doesn't, she should move on.

DEAR ABBY: Recently the adult children of some casual acquaintances sent us a letter informing us that their parents would be celebrating an anniversary soon. In it, they requested we send money so they could give their parents a two-week vacation.

The children explained that they couldn't afford to pay for the trip, but wanted to do something special for their parents. They intend to put the names of all the donors on a card with the tickets and mail it to their parents as a "surprise." I think we should ignore it. What do you think our response should be? -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Do with it what you do with other unsolicited requests for donations.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in an uncomfortable spot. I met a great woman last month and have developed feelings for her. I'll call her Carmen.

Every time I try to focus my energy into starting this relationship, my ex, "Rita," pops back into the picture. Most recently, she was calling about a cell phone we had when we were together.

Carmen is aware that I got out of a 5 1/2-year relationship six months ago, but every time Rita does something to upset me, Carmen tells me she thinks I am not over Rita. Abby, I feel the relationship with my ex is over. I sincerely want to explore things with Carmen.

I have talked to Rita a few times to get everything squared away so there will be no more reasons for further contact, but something else always keeps coming up. I don't want Carmen to be scared off. What should I do? -- READY TO MOVE ON IN DULUTH

DEAR READY: If you allow it, Rita will always find an excuse to maintain contact. It is time to put your past firmly behind you and move on. This means making a clean break with Rita. Tell her that communicating with her is causing problems for you, so you won't be doing it anymore. Then keep your word -- no phone calls, no e-mails, no visits.

DEAR ABBY: In the past, survivors drawing Dependency and Indemnity Compensation (DIC) from the Department of Veterans Affairs because their spouse died from a service-connected cause, lost this benefit if they remarried.

Effective Dec. 16, 2003, qualifying spouses who remarry after age 57 retain the DIC benefit. Those who remarried after age 57 but before the new law took effect can have their DIC benefit restored -- but only if they apply for DIC reinstatment by Dec. 15, 2004.

To apply, these surviving spouses should submit a written request for restoration of DIC along with a statement of dependence (VA form 21-686c). The form is available on the Web at www.vba.va.gov/pubs/forms/21-686c.pdf. Applications should be mailed to the nearest regional VA office. To find the nearest office, go to www.va.gov and click on Facility Locator. -- VICE ADM. NORBERT R. RYAN JR., USN (RET.), MILITARY OFFICERS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA

DEAR ADM. RYAN: Thanks for this important alert, which could mean a significant amount of money -- $967 or more a month -- for some people who could really use it. So, readers, if you know any widows or widowers who lost their spouse because of a service-related cause, and who might have missed reading today's column, please be an angel and call this to his or her attention. If the VA receives the application later than Dec. 15, restoration of DIC benefits must be denied.

This one-year application period does NOT apply to other surviving spouses whose remarriage on or after reaching age 57 followed enactment of the law.

For more information, call: (800) 827-1000 or visit the nearest VA regional office, the location of which can be found in the blue pages of local telephone directories. People with hearing impairment should call: (800) 829-4833 using their TDD device.

Time is growing short, so don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your older readers -- age 90 -- but I don't look a day over 70. I recently told my sister that I wear hip-huggers, and she asked me if I'm going senile. She thinks it's awful. I say hip-huggers are comfortable in the summer heat. What is your opinion? -- "HIP" IN CASSELBERRY, FLA.

DEAR "HIP": I know women 30 years younger than you who are reluctant to bear their midriffs because their skin is no longer taut. However, since you are comfortable wearing hip-huggers, the choice should be yours and your sister should refrain from making any more catty comments. (Could she be jealous?)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning the letter from the 15-year-old girl, "Needs Closure in Georgia," whose grandfather committed suicide. You suggested she write a letter to him, and then to burn it.

Another useful technique is to sit opposite an empty chair and speak your heart to the person you need to communicate with. I wasn't getting on with my life after my husband died, and it worked for me. -- DOING BETTER IN MILLBRAE, CALIF.

DEAR DOING BETTER: Thank you for the helpful suggestion. Many readers were touched by that girl's letter and wanted to reach out to her. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my grandmother died, my father and his wife planted a small rose garden. Over the years, as we have lost family members (including pets), additional rose bushes have been added in their honor. It is peaceful and comforting to sit among the blooming roses and think of our loved ones. It feels like they haven't really left us. -- REMEMBERING IN ARIZONA

DEAR REMEMBERING: I believe you. After Cary Grant passed away, his widow, Barbara, gave my mother a rose bush that had been named for her husband. Mama, who had been very fond of both of them, planted it outside her office window -- and when the roses were in bloom, it gave her many hours of pleasure.

DEAR ABBY: I found "The Grief Recovery Handbook," by John W. James and Russell Friedman, to be extremely helpful. My grandfather committed suicide more than 25 years ago, when I was in seventh grade, and my parents didn't want us to tell anyone what happened, which didn't help at all.

Perhaps "Needs Closure" could organize a memorial service with a local church, depending on what is going to be done with his ashes. If that's not possible, she should reach out to other family members and grieve with them. I hope they do not feel embarrassed about the suicide. -- LOYAL READER IN SAIPAN

DEAR LOYAL READER: One thing is certain: She should not suffer alone and in silence.

DEAR ABBY: While "Needs Closure" feels that her grandfather's cremation is the reason she has had a difficult time letting go. I suspect it is the manner in which he died. Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, often violent. That girl is now a survivor of suicide. One does not "get over" a suicide. The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt.

I speak from experience. Five years ago, my beautiful little sister committed suicide at 19. I have read many books for suicide survivors and belong to an online support group for sibling survivors. One great resource for her could be SOLOS -- Survivors of Loved Ones' Suicides. The Web site is www.solos.org. She can also write to the group for information at P.O. Box 592, Dumfries, VA 22026-0592. -- STILL GRIEVING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss, as well as my gratitude for suggesting this resource.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on the money. I was away when my best friend dropped dead of a heart attack. Since I had no chance to say goodbye, I wrote him a letter telling him what his friendship had meant to me. At first, I planned to "send it" to him by burning it in the fireplace. But it is now 2004, and I still write letters to him. What started as a way to bring closure became the beginning of a wonderful journal. -- J. IN OCEANSIDE, ORE.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)