DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "The Girlfriend," who is having problems because of nasty comments from her boyfriend's mother.

I know all too well the damage that can result from such a situation. For 15 years, I endured potshots from the mother-in-law from hell. She ended up talking to my now 16-year-old daughter (her granddaughter) the same way she had talked to me. After 13 years of staying on the sidelines, my husband finally told her to lay off. Of course, by then our marriage was almost over. Ironically, our divorce was finalized on my former mother-in-law's birthday -- a fact from which I'm sure she got great pleasure.

My advice to "Girlfriend" is to check her boyfriend carefully for apron strings before tying the knot with him. If he's afraid to speak in her defense, perhaps he is no more ready for marriage than his mother wishes him to be. -- WISER NOW IN WICHITA

DEAR WISER NOW: Thank you for sharing your own experience, and for pointing out that if verbal abuse is tolerated, the acid can spill over and damage innocent bystanders. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My advice to "The Girlfriend" is to deal with those cutting remarks from her boyfriend's mother by herself.

When the mother criticizes her manner of dress, she should say something like, "Oh! You've hurt my feelings. I would never think of criticizing how YOU dress," and then change the subject. Under no circumstances should she allow herself to be drawn into an argument. If the mother criticizes her cooking, she should say, "I tried so hard to please you. I'm sorry you don't like it. The next time we have dinner with you, we'll come to your house and you can cook or take us out." Do not cry, become hysterical or critical of her. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish if you refuse to be baited or put on the defensive.

One last thing: Explain to your future husband how you will handle his mother after you are married. You will not give her a house key, you'll expect her to call before she comes over, you will control how often you see her and when she will see the grandchildren, and you will not tolerate any marital interference. -- QUEEN OF MY OWN HOUSEHOLD, COSTA MESA, CALIF.

DEAR QUEEN: Something tells me your mother-in-law had a rude awakening when she found out who rules your roost.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "The Girlfriend" was right on the money. I hope she commands the respect she deserves, and walks away if "Roy" doesn't make it plain that she must be treated with respect.

If her boyfriend won't stand up for her now, believe me, he never will. She can save herself years of grief if she wakes up to the fact that there are real men out there who are willing to love and respect a woman and treat her as an equal partner. I found one, and so will she. -- STANDING TALL, STRATFORD, CONN.

DEAR STANDING TALL: What you said is true. A healthy marriage is a partnership, in every sense of the word.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and my boyfriend, "Johnny," is 17. He will be going on a religious mission in two years. Johnny has proposed to me and wants us to be married in his church. For that to happen, we would both have to be his religion. My problem is, I don't know if his religion is right for me.

I love Johnny with all my heart, but we have very different outlooks on life, religion and raising a family. I respect him and his beliefs, but I am a very independent person and I don't think it's fair that I have to change everything about myself. I'm losing sleep over this.

I think that Johnny respects that I want to live life to the fullest, but he thinks his beliefs are more "right" than mine. He is also mad that my parents didn't raise me to be particularly religious -- although I have been baptized.

I don't want to hurt Johnny, but I don't think I could live the way he wants me to for the rest of my life. I want to go to college, get a good job and have a career before I start a family. If I marry Johnny, I'll be expected to stay home, be a homemaker and take care of the children.

Please, Abby, any advice you could offer would be appreciated. -- MADE FOR BETTER THINGS IN IDAHO

DEAR MADE: You appear to be a sensible young woman. Your concerns about your future are legitimate. The debate you are having with yourself is healthy and intelligent. Do not allow yourself to be stampeded into making a commitment. You and Johnny may love each other, but your value systems are polar opposites. Johnny should go on his mission and you should complete your education. After that, you will both be in a better position to judge whether you are meant to marry.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and her fifth husband, "Lester," have been planning their funeral arrangements, discussing burial vs. cremation, etc. Mom wants to be cremated. At first Lester said that was what he wanted, too. Then he changed his mind.

Lester was previously married for 42 years to a wonderful woman, "Agnes." He nursed her through her long last illness. Now he says he wants to be buried next to her.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with this. As far as I'm concerned, when people die they are gone. But Mom is making a huge deal out of it. She says that Lester will probably die first, and she doesn't think she should have to visit him if he's lying next to Agnes.

I feel that Mom is ruining the present over an uncertain future. Do you think she's justified? Or is she making yet another relationship mistake? -- DAUGHTER OF RELATIONSHIP DUNCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAUGHTER: If Lester and Agnes had children during their 42-year marriage, it's possible that the children would prefer their parents rest near each other. It's also within the realm of possibility that your mother could predecease Lester.

If your mother is smart, she'll refrain from turning her husband's remains into 206 bones of contention and concentrate on making this marriage as happy and stress-free as she can -- for both their sakes. When it's Lester's time to go, he should be free to rest in peace wherever he wishes.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Innocent and Faithful in L.A." told you that she has been in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. Although she has been completely devoted to him for two years, he continues to accuse her of seeing other men because he has a "gut feeling" about it. She said he reads her e-mails, and she suspects he has hacked into her computer. She asked if there was "any hope" for their relationship.

You advised her to keep the relationship long-distance or end it. Oh, how I wish someone had given me that advice before I married my husband.

I felt that if we were married, he would finally be secure and not accuse me of seeing other men. After our wedding, it got worse. It got so bad I would cross the street to avoid speaking to a former classmate; I couldn't even go into the grocery store without him.

After 25 years of marriage, and his having at least two affairs, he finally left me for another woman. -- SYMPATHETIC IN HARRISONBURG, VA.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: It may take counseling to help you recover from 25 years in emotional prison, but I'm glad to know that you're finally free. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can tell "Innocent" from firsthand experience that no, there isn't any hope. Nothing she can say will reassure him because his paranoia has nothing to do with her or her behavior; it has only to do with him. If she's smart, she'll dump him. -- BEEN THERE IN MONTREAL

DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree with you.

DEAR ABBY: Any time someone constantly accuses you of something (infidelity, lying, etc.) it is time to look into what THAT person may be doing. When we are constantly placed in the position of having to defend ourselves, we often don't take time to look into what the accuser may be doing. If "Innocent" were able to seriously look into his behavior, I'll bet she'd discover he's doing exactly what he's accusing her of. -- JANIE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR JANIE: You have insight. There's an old French saying that translates (roughly), "A man doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he has hidden there himself."

DEAR ABBY: "Innocent" should run as far from that guy as she can. I once had a boyfriend who claimed that I treated everyone -- including my pets -- better than I treated him. He tried to tell me not to talk to my friends or my children's father. I drew the line when he told me I had to let his abusive cousin come to my apartment to visit.

When I told him to pack his things and get out, he hit me. It only happened once, because I stood up to him. I filed charges and he went to jail. That's when I found out that I wasn't the first. He had been arrested six times for abuse.

Please tell Miss "Innocent" from someone who's been there: Get away before he starts hitting you. -- STANDING TALL IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR STANDING TALL: You are lucky that you drew the line where you did. Some people are so insecure they cannot function unless they feel completely in control, regardless of how destructive that control may be to the object of their obsession. Once an emotional and verbal abuser becomes physical, it can escalate to homicide.

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