DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ned," lost his mother suddenly at the age of 54. Her wishes were to be cremated and have her cremains scattered in the Arizona desert. It hasn't happened yet.

Her cremains started out on the bookcase headboard of our bed. I finally moved them to the living room in front of the fireplace. One day, I returned home from work and, once again, the cremains had been put back in our bedroom -- this time on the nightstand next to our bed.

Abby, our 10-year-old son was extremely close to his grandmother. They adored each other. To this day, he talks to the urn as if it is his grandmother. In addition, the cremains did not all fit into the urn, so a second box was sent along with the urn. With time, the box has separated and started to leak.

I think it's unhealthy to continue to have the cremains in the house, and I also feel it's disrespectful to my mother-in-law. How can you be firm and loving at the same time? How should I bring this up without putting my foot in my mouth? -- WOEFUL IN INDIANA

DEAR WOEFUL: It appears your husband is having a difficult time letting go. I recommend you sweep up the cremains that have leaked out of the box and place them in a baggie. When your husband is in a relaxed, and hopefully receptive, mood give it to him and tell him that his mother had asked that her cremains be scattered in Arizona -- not the bedroom. If he can't bring himself to do that, perhaps he would compromise by agreeing to keep them elsewhere than your bedroom. Your having moved them should have been hint enough that their presence made you uncomfortable.

It is not unheard of for survivors to keep the cremains of loved ones with them -- and the subject has appeared before in my column. However, since it makes you uncomfortable, you should not have to sleep with his mother.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon. My sister, "Alice," promised to help me with the last-minute details. However, yesterday Alice called to inform me -- with regrets -- that she'll be on vacation with her husband at the time my wedding is scheduled, so she won't be able to help me after all. I am upset to say the least. I have no bridesmaids to help me, and I was counting on her.

Alice is very sensitive, so I'm afraid to say anything to her. Am I wrong to be upset? What should I tell my friends when they ask about her? Is there anything I can say to my sister or my guests that will go over well? -- HURT IN HOUSTON

DEAR HURT: Tell your "sensitive" sister that you are disappointed that she won't be there to share your happiness (it's the truth), and that she'll be missed (it's also true because her absence will be noticed), and that you'll manage without her (because you will).

Then ask a couple of close friends to help you. If the "last-minute details" are shared, they shouldn't be too much of a burden for anyone. Should your guests inquire about your sister's whereabouts, be truthful and let them draw their own conclusions. Her failure to attend is not a reflection on you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother in New Mexico" told you she "can't stand" her fiance's 3-year-old daughter and knows she will be forced to care for the child because the mother doesn't want her.

"Unwilling" should do all three of them a huge favor and end the relationship. I married a man two years ago, when my sons were 19 and 21. He had no children of his own and assured me he would accept mine unconditionally.

Now I am constantly berated for not "putting him first" or consulting him each and every time I want to spend time with my sons or help them. I'm heartsick that I didn't see this before I married him. He has since told me that he "thought" he could handle it, but I really believe he thought he could make me choose him over my children.

If "Unwilling" has any doubts, she should not go through with the marriage. I am seriously contemplating divorce because I see no other option. -- FOOLED IN TEXAS

DEAR FOOLED: I advised "Unwilling" that unless she can accept her fiance and his daughter as a package deal and learn to love the little girl, that marriage would be a disservice to all of them. Thank you for adding the voice of experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother" seems to be more like a child than an adult. When she became serious with her fiance, how could she not realize that his little girl would be a big part of her life?

"Unwilling" needs serious family counseling, or to get out of there. She also seems to have no clue about child development. Most 3-year-olds have a very self-centered view of life. They must be lovingly taught to become giving as they grow.

I married a man with two children eight years ago. As part of our marriage vows, I promised to love his children as my own. It wasn't easy, but today I am reaping the rewards of having two wonderful stepchildren and one biological child. I became very ill after the baby was born, and who do you think was always there to help? Yes -- both of my stepchildren. I love them as my own and could not imagine life without them.

"Unwilling Stepmother" is missing the best chance of her life to really care and to make a difference in that child's life. -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: You have made some excellent points in your letter. However, for family counseling to work, all parties have to be honest with each other and willing to compromise. "Unwilling" would be the little one's primary caregiver -- and her mind seemed pretty well made up. Her question was whether she should level with her fiance about her feelings and tell him she's leaving -- or wait for him to figure out how she felt and give her her walking papers.

FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:

There was a young girl from St. Paul

Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.

The dress caught on fire

And burned her entire

Front page, sports section and all.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a psychologist for three years about anxiety and the trauma of my parents' divorce. Every session has been about how school is and whatnot. About a year ago, I had my first real relationship. We are still involved.

In a recent session, my psychologist asked me how my sex life is. Mind you, I'm only 18. I felt very embarrassed and told him it was none of his business.

Was this appropriate, or do you think he was coming on to me? I look back and realize the position I was in if he was making advances. There is no receptionist in the office -- only he and I in the whole place. I'm concerned about going back. Can you give me some insight? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONCERNED: Considering the fact that you have been in an exclusive relationship for about a year, I'd say the question was legitimate. After three years of therapy, I would assume that by now you had established enough trust to confide just about anything.

Your therapist needs to know that you felt his question was out of line and made you uncomfortable. So, consider telling him that you might feel more at ease if he referred you to a female therapist. Also, your sessions should have gone far beyond making small talk about "school and whatnot."

DEAR ABBY: Some friends and I gather for dinner and fellowship about twice a month. The problem is, one woman is a very finicky eater, and she turns up her nose when something is served and makes comments like, "That doesn't even look good -- what's in it?" The one we have heard all too often is, "That doesn't even sound good."

Most of the time we try to please her by preparing something she likes, like hot dogs or fried chicken. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Would it be rude to prepare something scrumptious like coconut shrimp with orange sauce knowing that she won't eat it, but everyone else will, and tell her there are hot dogs in the fridge and buns in the breadbox and to just help herself? -- HAD IT IN NASHVILLE

DEAR HAD IT: No more rude than what she's doing to you. The alternative would be to tell her in advance what you will be serving so she can opt out or bring her own food if she chooses.

P.S. What's your address? If I'm in the neighborhood, I'd love to sample the cuisine.

DEAR ABBY: Our son and his wife keep a cold beer in the refrigerator for their 8-month-old baby. They routinely give him "sips." To me, this is abuse and a danger to our grandson. To add to my dismay, there is alcoholism on both sides of the family.

They are determined not to listen to me. Also, they are both heavy drinkers, so there could be some denial here. What more can be done? Any suggestions? -- WORRIED GRANDMA

DEAR WORRIED GRANDMA: Since you have spoken to your son and daughter-in-law and they have chosen to ignore your legitimate concerns, report them to child protective services. Feeding alcohol to small children can create dependency and result in lifelong problems.

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