DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for almost a year. It was an ugly divorce that became long, drawn-out and expensive. I have moved on with my life. My ex-husband, however, has not. He is in constant contact with my family.

My sister casually mentioned the other day that he had stopped by her office to "talk." He also calls my mother regularly and stops by her house to see her. He takes them to dinner and tries to act like nothing changed.

What he is really doing is getting information about my life while getting sympathy from them.

The final straw was learning that he had been invited to my nephew's graduation. I have explained to my family that I want no more contact with him and do not want to see him again. He told vicious lies and spread horrible rumors during the divorce that cost me all of our mutual friends. They all believed his lies and did not support me.

We had no children, so I see no reason to stay in contact. He won't let go of me and my family. What can I do? -- WANTS TO BE FREE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WANTS TO BE FREE: It would be interesting to know why your family has continued to make him welcome. Are they enjoying the attention? The drama? Whatever the tie that's binding them, it is out of your control. And whether he is clinging to them out of neediness or the pleasure of sticking it to you is beside the point.

Even if the ghost of marriage past is lurking in the background, you ARE free. So live your own life, limit the amount of information you give to your family, and consider it "mind over matter." (You don't mind, and he don't matter.) The sooner you do, the sooner you will close the unhappy chapter of your life that includes him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sticky situation at work. One of the men I work with, "Josh," likes to brag about all his sexual conquests. One of the women he brags about is "Pamela," another of my co-workers.

I don't think he's telling the truth because she is happily married. Should I tell her he's spreading rumors about her, or should I mind my own business? -- WONDER WHAT HE SEZ ABOUT ME

DEAR WONDER: By all means, tell Pamela what Josh is saying. She has a right to know and to defend herself. What Josh considers an affirmation of his charm may be construed as slander by her. And his harping on the topic of his sex life at the office could be considered sexual harassment. It won't stop until either you or Pamela complains to a supervisor.

DEAR ABBY: I am planning a 30th birthday party for my husband. I would like to invite friends and family to join us for dinner at my husband's favorite restaurant.

Because I have a small budget to work from and he has a large family, I can afford to pay only for my husband and me. Would it be OK to invite people to attend and ask them to pay for their own meal, and if so, how do I appropriately say that on the invitation? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN FREDERICK, MD.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: To invite people to a party and expect them to pay for their own meal is considered tacky. Since you can't afford to give your husband a party, instead invite your friends and his large family to your home after dinner to celebrate with dessert and coffee. That way you won't be criticized.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a man who is a really good friend of mine. We have great times together watching movies or just hanging out.

The problem is I want to be intimate more than he does. He's a once-a-month kind of guy. I'm a once-a-day kind of girl. We have had many arguments about this because it seems like he doesn't want me. He says that's not true, that he is just tired, or stressed, etc. -- the list is never-ending. We get along in every way except this one.

Am I being a baby, or is this not the relationship for me? -- NEEDS MORE IN MOLINE, ILL.

DEAR NEEDS MORE: Much as you may wish otherwise, he is not the man for you. You have a larger appetite than he can cater to. Marrying him will only compound your problem. Keep him as a friend if you can, but don't marry him.

DEAR ABBY: "Frank" and I have been married for three years, but we have known each other since 1994. When we first met, we both drank and partied a lot, but neither of us has had a drink in about seven years.

Three years ago, Frank started gambling. We used to do it for entertainment, but now he takes off for hours and won't answer his phone when he's at the casino. He has won thousands of dollars and lost more.

I have threatened Frank with divorce. I have told him to get out (but he won't leave), threatened to leave him (but I never have), and I have wept, begged, and even tried to ignore it.

I stay because I love him and want to help him with his problem, but I don't want to wind up living in a tent. Please help. -- LOSING BIG IN TUCSON

DEAR LOSING BIG: Your concerns are legitimate. It's no coincidence that your husband got hooked on gambling after he stopped drinking. It appears he traded one addiction for another.

A group that might help you is Gam-Anon Family Groups, a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people whose lives have been affected by their loved ones' problem. The phone number is 718-352-1671 and the Web site is www.gam-anon.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 32. He says he'll never leave my house or "me" until he's 40. He moved out twice, for no longer than two months each time. Then he came back, saying it was lonely and expensive.

I have talked to him about getting his own place, but he insists he wants to stay here. I can't seem to get him out. He's always wanting to get his laundry done -- by me. He says he can't do it himself. Help! -- CAN'T CUT THE APRON STRINGS

DEAR CAN'T: What makes you think your son will be willing to leave at the age of 40? He has room, board and maid service in your cozy nest.

Yes, living on one's own is expensive, and it can also sometimes be lonely. But learning to deal with life's tribulations is a part of growing up. You'll be doing your son a favor if you give him a deadline to move and insist he abide by it. And next time the laundry basket gets full, take him to a Laundromat and show him what to do.

P.S. He may need psychiatric counseling, so be prepared!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I recently traveled out of town to visit my best friend, "Frank," who recently married his sweetheart, "Gail." Frank graciously invited my fiancee and me to stay at their apartment. This had been our arrangement prior to his marriage, and I accepted the offer.

Each morning, my fiancee and I got up early and took our morning showers before our hosts. As we finished our showers, Gail would run into the bathroom with an armful of cleaning supplies and scrub it from ceiling to floor.

We are not dirty people. We didn't make a mess in their bathroom. We were a little offended, but said nothing. Was this her way of telling us she didn't want us staying there? Should we stay at a hotel next time we visit? -- FORMER HOUSEGUEST, NORTH OLMSTEAD, OHIO

DEAR FORMER HOUSEGUEST: I'd say she conveyed that message pretty clearly. Considering the fact that they are newlyweds, I think you'd all be more comfortable were you to book a room at a nearby hotel or motel.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman. To those around me I seem to have everything -- great kids, a beautiful home, a career and a pretty good life. But deep down I am miserably lonely.

I divorced a cheating spouse eight years ago. I haven't been in a serious relationship since.

I have concentrated on my children, my career and my financial portfolio. But now that my kids are older and I have a lot of idle time on my hands, I miss being in a relationship.

I have tried singles groups, chat lines, and I'm even attending more social events, to no avail. I take good care of myself and look good for my age. But the 20- and 30-something competition makes it hard, if not impossible, to attract the kind of man I'd like to be with.

What advice have you for someone my age who has been benched for years and is ready to play ball again? -- LONELY IN GEORGIA

DEAR LONELY: Only this: Stop selling yourself short. You have stability and life experience to offer, and a man with an eye for quality will appreciate it. Don't be discouraged; dating is a hit-and-miss game, regardless of age. You are only in the fourth inning, so get off your rusty-dusty, stay out there and keep on pitching.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15. My grandfather recently committed suicide. He asked to be cremated. Since there was no funeral or visitation, I feel like there was no closure. Is there any way I can tell my grandfather goodbye? -- NEEDS CLOSURE IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS CLOSURE: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I'll tell you a technique that has worked for many other people. Write your grandfather a letter. Put into it all the things you wanted to say to him but didn't have a chance to. Put it aside for a week, then re-read it and "send it" to your grandfather by burning it. I hope it works for you, too.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)