DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. My brother molested me. It happened only once, but since then he has twice offered me money to help him with his "fixation." He had a girlfriend for a few years and they had sex all the time. After they broke up, his next relationship lasted for only a few months before she broke it off. That's when he turned to me.

I haven't told anyone because I'm ashamed of myself. I don't want people to find out -- especially my friends. I'm afraid they'll think I'm gross or something. What should I do? -- 'TOY' IN INDIANA

DEAR 'TOY': What happened wasn't your fault. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. The person who should be ashamed is your brother. His "fixation" is sick, and he should not be trying to make you a part of it.

It is important that you get help. Your friends do not have to know. Tell your mother what happened. If she minimizes what your brother did, then pick up the phone and call your local rape hotline, or the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.) -- 800-656-HOPE (4673). The people there will understand the seriousness of what happened and will help you during this difficult time. Please don't wait. Trust me, you are not as alone as you think you are.

DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol for avoiding a co-worker's third wedding? Everyone in our office was invited to her second one, a large, catered affair. We all knew the marriage wouldn't last because she was marrying a jobless, irresponsible parasite.

She is again marrying for the wrong reasons. She admits she doesn't love her fiance, but he provides security and takes care of her two sons from her first marriage, both of whom have problems she can't handle.

I don't plan to attend, so am I obligated to send a gift? She's having another large wedding, she says, because they need money for the house they just bought. -- DISGUSTED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISGUSTED: You are under no obligation to give your co-worker a gift if you do not attend her fund-raiser. Since you have to work with the woman, consider sending a lovely greeting card or token gift along with your good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I baby-sit for a family with three children. I watch them twice a week from after school until the mother arrives home from work. Lately, the kids have been involved in sports and after-school activities, so some weeks I am not needed.

Yesterday when I arrived, there sat the mother. She had taken the day off from work and didn't notify me. I'm afraid if I bring up the fact that I never know whether or not I should go to watch the kids, I'll lose my job. (Of course, when I don't baby-sit, I don't get paid.) I would appreciate any advice you have. -- GETTING FRUSTRATED

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: It's time to expand your client roster. It appears you are being taken for granted and taken advantage of. For the mother to expect you to reserve a bloc of time and then not pay for it is inconsiderate and unfair. I recommend you institute a 24-hour cancellation policy. If you allot time to baby-sit someone's children, you should be paid for that time unless properly notified. Experienced, responsible baby sitters aren't easy to find.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a male, retired from a major West Coast law enforcement agency. I generally agree with your advice, but I have a mega-problem with your answer to "Needs an Answer," the lady whose hubby, "Cliff," is incarcerated. She asked what to say when people she meets ask where her husband is.

You advised her to tell people they are having a "trial separation." Sorry, Abby, but a lie is a lie no matter how you package it. You should have told the lady to tell the truth. -- BLOWN AWAY IN MAUI

DEAR BLOWN AWAY: The fact that a relative is in prison isn't something that some families want to publicize. While many are open about the fact that a family member is incarcerated -- and it is probably healthier to be up-front about it -- not all are willing to be. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Know's" children must be able to talk about their father and be proud of him without worrying about what other people think. Their mother should set the tone for this. What is important is their relationship with their father, not what the neighbors think. Keeping secrets and behaving as though their dad is someone to be ashamed of will only hurt her boys in the long run.

That woman needs to forget what everyone else may think, and say and do whatever is the most healing for her children. A family therapist may be able to help the family navigate through their discomfort and allow the boys to feel good about him -- regardless of the reason he is in jail. -- DEALT WITH IT IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEALT WITH IT: Your suggestion of a family therapist is a good one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Rod," is also in prison, and I, too, often feel uncomfortable revealing his whereabouts. I usually say he's an optician living in Southern California. (He is, having received his certificate while in prison.)

When I confide in a close friend or colleague where he actually is, people are usually understanding (and curious). But I've never experienced any criticism or negativity. After almost 10 years, it still hurts to talk about it. But knowing my son has made progress in his rehabilitation helps to ease the pain. -- JOAN IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR JOAN: Your son was wise to make the most of the time he has spent in prison. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband is serving 15 years to life. Although shame and guilt are normal reactions, they can be harmful to the family of an inmate. The isolation that comes from living a lie only causes more harm in the long run. We tried it.

A better approach is to be honest, reach out to people and admit how painful it is. Once we did, we found that many other families in our area also have a loved one behind bars. The ridicule and scorn we expected never happened. Instead we were supported and encouraged. -- DIANE IN AUBURNDALE, FLA.

DEAR DIANE: I agree that living a lie is unhealthy. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. There are ministries and programs whose mission is to help the families of prisoners. One which has been mentioned in this column before is the Osborne Association, which offers a list of resources online at www.osborneny.org. Also available from the National Institute of Corrections is a printable version of its "Directory of Programs Serving Families of Adult Offenders," at www.nicic.org/pubs/2002/017081.pdf.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town and attend a local high school that has about 1,400 students. In the last three years, there have been an outrageous number of student deaths. It has become so common that the student body is no longer shocked.

We have lost a student who was run down by a drunk driver, two were murdered in drive-by shootings, two drowned in boating accidents, one died in a car accident that was triggered by an aneurysm, another dropped dead during class due to an undisclosed medical condition, and three others died in car accidents. Three days ago two more students were in a car wreck that left both in critical condition.

Has our school fallen under a terrible curse? We have suffered enough. There is only so much grief one school can handle. Please, Abby, tell me what can be done to lift the spirits of the students. -- GRIEVING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR GRIEVING: The first thing to do is recognize that their feelings (and yours) are normal. To be confronted with the fact that life isn't infinite at your tender age can be shocking. It is normal to be sad, angry, confused and frightened when someone close to you dies.

Everyone must cope with the reality of death in his or her own way. A giant step in that direction would have been for the principal of your school to have brought counselors to the campus to help the students work through their grief. Writing letters to the parents of the students who died is another way to get your feelings out, and the parents would treasure them.

A memorial to your deceased classmates might help the rest of you to move on -- a mural, a garden, something tangible to ensure they will not be forgotten. Please consider it if you haven't already done so.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old woman with AIDS. Before I was diagnosed, I worked -- usually as a secretary -- in various parts of the country. I had no problem finding work. Then my health deteriorated, and I wasn't able to work for a long time. Recently I was given new medications and I'm now healthier than I have been in a decade.

I am able to work and want to get off disability, but I now have a 10-year gap in my work history. If I mention the reason on a job application, I'm afraid no one will hire me. I could lie and say I was "staying home with the children," but I don't have any children.

Can you advise me on how to handle this? -- WANTS TO WORK IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR WANTS TO WORK: Certain questions are illegal in the job hiring process, including a person's general medical condition, state of health or illness, and/or physical or mental disabilities. You are not legally required to discuss your health. If you are asked, you are within your rights to say that you didn't work for personal reasons.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl and haven't had my period for almost five months. What does that mean? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN MIAMI

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There could be several reasons for it. However, the person to determine the cause should be your doctor. Please do not wait to discuss the problem with him or her. Ask your mother to schedule an appointment and accompany you. It will put your concerns to rest.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)