DEAR ABBY: My husband's cousin, "Suellen," spends at least five hours a day at our house. She's unemployed, unmarried, and has few of the social graces. She shows up without calling, often stays long past our bedtime, and even horns in on vacations with us.

I have a 3-year-old and am pregnant with our second child. I also work from 9 to 4 and am usually exhausted by the time I get home in the afternoon. None of this means anything to Suellen.

She refuses to take a hint. I have often told her I need peace and quiet in the evening and how much I enjoy being at home with my own little family.

Today I'm not going to go home, because she's already called to say she'll be there. How ridiculous is that?

My husband won't say anything to his cousin even though I complain to him all the time. I don't want to be rude, but I don't understand how anyone can be as oblivious as she is.

Abby, what can I do? -- DRIVEN CRAZY IN ALABAMA

DEAR DRIVEN CRAZY: Since your husband can't bring himself to do it, you must draw the line. It's possible that Suellen doesn't take the hint because she regards herself as family. Speaking out will not make you popular, but it may save your sanity. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old son, "Warren," has been stealing from me. He has taken money and my ATM card from my wallet and pawned more than $5,000 worth of my jewelry. Warren started a job recently, but he spends his pay within days.

I know I should kick him out or have him arrested, but as a mother, I keep hoping he'll change. Also, I don't want my son to have a record.

I don't think Warren is on drugs because he recently passed a drug test at work. I doubt therapy will work because he seems to have no remorse. I didn't raise my son this way, Abby. He's my child and I hate to lose him. What should I do? -- DISTRAUGHT MOTHER

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Unless your son is forced to face the consequences of his bad behavior, he is unlikely to change. By ignoring the thefts, you have enabled him to continue. I urge you to put a stop to it. Insist that he get therapy immediately, or he's out of your house. Without help, he will continue to steal from you and from others -- and it's only a matter of time until he winds up in prison, or worse.

DEAR ABBY: Astonishing! The day your follow-up to "B.J. in Georgia" appeared in our local paper was the day I learned I needed to have a colostomy. Many of my friends called me to see if I had seen the column.

I felt exactly the way "B.J. in Georgia" did -- no way was I going through with the procedure.

After reading the testimonials from your readers -- "Phil," "Glass," "Nancy" and "Laura" -- my fears were eased and I have decided to have the operation.

I want to thank you and your readers for helping me to make this most difficult decision. I have cut out your column and will refer to it any time I feel the need. -- EARL IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR EARL: I'm printing your letter so that all of the people who wrote to offer support will know their caring and generosity made a difference. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, and all of us wish you a speedy and complete recovery.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and had always attended the same school until last year, when my parents moved to another state.

After we got here, I met this cool guy, "Ted." We had a relationship until last December, when he and his family moved to another neighborhood and he had to change schools.

I never had a chance to tell Ted that I love him until three months ago. We met at a ballgame and I confessed. He said he loved me, too. I asked if we could be a couple again. He told me he couldn't deal with that right now because he has to concentrate on school before he deals with having a girlfriend. After he said it, I realized my grades should be my highest priority, too.

Two weeks ago, he called and asked me when we could have sex. I told him in six years, when I'm 21 and out of school. I think I'll be ready by then for that kind of a relationship.

Should he have asked me that question? And should I have agreed so quickly? -- CONFUSED IN GEORGIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Considering that Ted isn't ready for a serious relationship, I'd say his question was extremely presumptuous. And you didn't "agree quickly." You handled the question intelligently, letting him know that as much as you care for him, you're not a pushover and your own priorities must come first. Although you said you'd consider it at 21, I have a hunch he was more interested in what he could expect on Saturday night.

DEAR ABBY: "John" and I started dating two years ago, when he was a college freshman and I was a junior in high school. He was my knight in shining armor.

A year into our relationship, we lost our virginity to each other. I have no excuse other than I was in love and believed that someday we would be married.

Six months ago, John suddenly broke up with me. He said he needed his "space." After three months, he changed his mind and wanted to get back together. He swore he wanted only me and nobody else. I believed him and forgave him.

Last week, I learned that while John and I were apart, he'd had sex with another girl -- an especially wild one who's had numerous lovers. I broke up with him immediately, but now I have a problem. I am experiencing some symptoms that could be an STD.

In my small town, everyone knows everyone. If I go to a local doctor, it'll be all over town before dark. It would shame my parents. I'm leaving soon to attend college several hundred miles from here. Would it be harmful to wait until I get there to see a doctor about what I'm afraid I have? -- BURNED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR BURNED: If there is a Planned Parenthood office within driving distance of your community, contact it now. It is listed in the telephone book, and the people there will be glad to help you.

If there isn't one, call the Centers for Disease Control's national STD/AIDS hotline: (800) 227-8922. They may be able to refer you to a public clinic for a confidential evaluation. It's important that you not put this off because some STDs can lead to infertility and other problems if treatment is postponed.

DEAR ABBY: I am 51 and still single. Recently I learned that I have a heart condition, and the doctors predict I have only five to 10 more years to live. I am in a turmoil trying to decide if it's fair to continue dating. My friends give me conflicting advice. What do you think is fair? -- TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE IN OREGON

DEAR TO DATE: If you haven't already done so, get a second medical opinion about the prognosis. If it is valid, then I think you should live to the fullest the time the good Lord allows you. If you get serious with someone, be honest about your condition and make that decision together.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the 23-year-old mother of three whose husband is verbally abusive to her and the children, I had to write. She said she's ambivalent about divorcing him; she "just wants him to change." She signed her letter "Crazy in Tennessee."

You urged her to leave. I absolutely agree. That letter could have been written about my own family.

I have been married 14 years. My husband was verbally abusive for many of those years. He said horrible things to me (including wishing I was dead, etc.) in front of our three children. He also instigated arguments with the children -- ages 6, 9 and 11 -- seemingly just to make them cry. I finally filed for divorce, which will be final in a few months.

Our 9-year-old has become nervous and sick to her stomach recently. She gets particularly upset when her father and I are in the same room. I asked what the problem is. She said: "It scares me when you and Daddy are together. He has been mad at you for so long, and yelled so much. I'm afraid that now that you're getting the divorce, when you start fighting he might have a gun or something." Imagine how heartbreaking it was to hear that!

Please tell "Crazy in Tennessee" her best bet is to get out while the children are still too young to have sustained much damage from the verbal abuse they've been exposed to. I only wish I had done it sooner. -- ALMOST TOO LATE IN OHIO

DEAR ALMOST TOO LATE: I'm pleased you had the courage to take that important step. Now, I hope you will waste no time in taking another one. Your children will stand a better chance of healing if you'll get them into therapy right away, although I am sad to say there are no guarantees. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My dad was just like her husband. For more than 20 years, literally hours on end, day in and day out, I'd hear, "You're ugly! No girl in her right mind would ever want you!" As a result, I am painfully shy around females. Counseling has helped some, but there's always that little voice in the back of your mind that you hear over and over for as long as you live.

When I looked for work, Dad told me I was stupid and would never be hired or amount to anything. Because of it, I gave up looking for a job. I'm working now, but only because my mother encouraged me.

I hope for her children's sake that "Crazy in Tennessee" will find someone who will treat them all better. If she doesn't, I have no doubt that her children will wind up like me. -- BEEN THERE IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for writing. Don't sell yourself short. That you are functioning at all is a tribute to your inner strength. I'll repeat part of what I said in my original answer: Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore. I hope "Crazy in Tennessee" takes to heart your hard-earned wisdom, because even children who aren't picked on by the abuser can emerge from that lifestyle with "survivor guilt" for not being able to intervene.

I'll quote from a letter that arrived from another survivor, a woman in Wisconsin: "Abby, the one who will receive the most damage from that relationship is the daughter. She will grow up craving the one and only thing her father will never give her -- his approval. And she'll continue to try to get it from other men who are as cruel and withholding as he is, because she thinks their behavior is normal."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)