DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the 23-year-old mother of three whose husband is verbally abusive to her and the children, I had to write. She said she's ambivalent about divorcing him; she "just wants him to change." She signed her letter "Crazy in Tennessee."

You urged her to leave. I absolutely agree. That letter could have been written about my own family.

I have been married 14 years. My husband was verbally abusive for many of those years. He said horrible things to me (including wishing I was dead, etc.) in front of our three children. He also instigated arguments with the children -- ages 6, 9 and 11 -- seemingly just to make them cry. I finally filed for divorce, which will be final in a few months.

Our 9-year-old has become nervous and sick to her stomach recently. She gets particularly upset when her father and I are in the same room. I asked what the problem is. She said: "It scares me when you and Daddy are together. He has been mad at you for so long, and yelled so much. I'm afraid that now that you're getting the divorce, when you start fighting he might have a gun or something." Imagine how heartbreaking it was to hear that!

Please tell "Crazy in Tennessee" her best bet is to get out while the children are still too young to have sustained much damage from the verbal abuse they've been exposed to. I only wish I had done it sooner. -- ALMOST TOO LATE IN OHIO

DEAR ALMOST TOO LATE: I'm pleased you had the courage to take that important step. Now, I hope you will waste no time in taking another one. Your children will stand a better chance of healing if you'll get them into therapy right away, although I am sad to say there are no guarantees. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My dad was just like her husband. For more than 20 years, literally hours on end, day in and day out, I'd hear, "You're ugly! No girl in her right mind would ever want you!" As a result, I am painfully shy around females. Counseling has helped some, but there's always that little voice in the back of your mind that you hear over and over for as long as you live.

When I looked for work, Dad told me I was stupid and would never be hired or amount to anything. Because of it, I gave up looking for a job. I'm working now, but only because my mother encouraged me.

I hope for her children's sake that "Crazy in Tennessee" will find someone who will treat them all better. If she doesn't, I have no doubt that her children will wind up like me. -- BEEN THERE IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for writing. Don't sell yourself short. That you are functioning at all is a tribute to your inner strength. I'll repeat part of what I said in my original answer: Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore. I hope "Crazy in Tennessee" takes to heart your hard-earned wisdom, because even children who aren't picked on by the abuser can emerge from that lifestyle with "survivor guilt" for not being able to intervene.

I'll quote from a letter that arrived from another survivor, a woman in Wisconsin: "Abby, the one who will receive the most damage from that relationship is the daughter. She will grow up craving the one and only thing her father will never give her -- his approval. And she'll continue to try to get it from other men who are as cruel and withholding as he is, because she thinks their behavior is normal."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Chris," is 14. She'll be graduating from eighth grade in a couple of weeks. Over the last few months, I have been driving her and a group of boys and girls to the movies on Friday nights. This has evolved into a romantic relationship with a 15-year-old boy, "Bob," who lives close by and is in her class. In her junior high school, this is described as "going out."

I know they kiss. They also dance together at a local hangout on Saturday nights. I could refuse to drive them to the movies together, but they would probably meet there anyway.

Chris has a level head on her shoulders. She's a good girl and active in our church. We talk openly together.

Abby, can you guide me in this? I trust my daughter, but I am also aware that 14- and 15-year-olds have a lot of raging hormones. Please advise. -- WISHES KIDS CAME WITH HANDBOOKS

DEAR WISHES: I agree that teenagers have raging hormones, and the most intelligent way to deal with it is to keep the teens occupied. You are already on the right track, keeping the lines of communication open, for which I applaud you.

I see no harm in your daughter being at the movies with this boy and a group of friends on weekends in light of the fact that you are providing the transportation and they are in a group. But much of her free time should be occupied with constructive pursuits such as sports, volunteer work, music and activities that will give her "service credits" toward college. Develop her interests. Keep her goal-oriented. Encourage her to develop platonic friendships. You can't prevent your daughter from growing up, but you can give her guidelines and make sure her time is well spent.

DEAR ABBY: From fourth to ninth grade, I attended a small Christian school in Delaware. It was a great experience because the teachers and the students were able to really get to know one another.

One of the teachers, Mr. C., was one of the best a student could ever hope to have. Learning was fun in the subjects he taught, especially U.S. history. Can you imagine taking a class of 20 on an overnight camping trip to Gettysburg?

While talking to my mom, who was a co-teacher with Mr. C., about an upcoming business trip to Asheville, N.C., Mom mentioned that Mr. C. lives there and encouraged me to try to find him. Well, it turned out that Mr. C. was the only Mr. C. in the Asheville phone book.

We spent a wonderful afternoon reminiscing about his days as a teacher and mine as a student. Although I don't remember much about the subjects he taught, I will never forget the time he spent with us -- laughing while we played football on the playground, crying when a classmate passed away. He was always there for us.

One of his favorite lines was: "Don't hurt him! He is the only one we have like him!" Now that I work with children, I find myself using his favorite phrase.

Abby, please encourage your readers to take the time to look back and thank those teachers who made a difference in their lives. They helped to make us who we are today, and it would be rewarding for them to see the fruits of their labors. -- GRATEFUL IN NORTHERN OHIO

DEAR GRATEFUL: I have said it before and I'm pleased to say it again: Everyone wants to know that he or she has made a difference. Teachers don't earn much in the way of salaries; letters and calls of appreciation from former students can be extremely gratifying to former teachers who have helped to shape our lives. So if you've been putting it off, why not do it now?

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Burned in Victoria, Texas" wrote that she had been badly hurt after her three-year relationship with a man she had known since childhood fell apart. She asked for encouragement in entering the dating scene again -- something she has been afraid to do since the romance ended a year and a half ago.

You advised that although the experience had been a painful one, it had been a valuable learning experience -- and said (among other things) that it's worth kissing a few frogs once you finally meet Prince Charming.

I thought she could use some encouragement from someone who has been in the same boat. I, too, was convinced I would never become attached to anyone again.

Then I landed a job as a teaching assistant at the university I attend, and met "George." He asked me out several times; each time I gave him the excuse that I was "too busy." One evening he prepared a dinner of my three favorite foods (all by himself), packed it in a picnic basket, and brought it to me at the research office. We talked and laughed for hours, and I finally told him the real reason I wasn't seeing anyone.

He explained that there are nice men out there who understand and don't mind taking things slow -- and he was one of them. We have been inseparable ever since. And he has kept his word.

My message to "Burned": There are kind men who will understand your feelings and cherish you for the wonderful person that you are. You and I are very much alike, and I assure you that all of your waiting will pay off in the end. You are not alone. You have support from another Texan. -- NO LONGER LONELY IN DALLAS

DEAR NO LONGER LONELY: Bless you for your words of encouragement. Dating can be arduous. It can take stamina, a strong sense of self-worth, and a sense of humor to make it to the end of the process unscathed. You are not the only Texas gal who reached out to "Burned." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can identify with that 23-year-old girl because I had a similar experience. My pride and self-confidence were also crushed. I felt worthless. After five years, I took matters into my own hands.

On my 30th birthday, I got the best gift God could have given me. A friend and I began dating. I asked HIM out for our first date (something I'd sworn I'd never do). I haven't looked back since. We were married last June.

You were right, Abby, when you told "Burned" that her bad relationship was a learning experience. I hope she takes your advice to heart and doesn't let it keep her down. She needs to take that first step forward. You never know what you can accomplish until you try. -- VERY HAPPY IN COMMERCE, TEXAS

DEAR VERY HAPPY: Well said. I would like to extend that message: No one ever accomplished anything by sitting passively and waiting for success to come to them. The greatest rewards come to those who have the courage to stand up, step forward and take their swings at bat.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)