DEAR ABBY: Your "Penny From Heaven" letter about the coin found by the employee of a car reconditioning business (the penny was given to his boss) missed one important fact. That penny belongs to the owner of the car and should not have been taken without the owner's permission. It is called stealing. Shame on you, Abby. -- HONEST TO A FAULT IN PHOENIX

DEAR HONEST: Your letter was one of hundreds I've received from sticklers for honesty who also scolded me for not chastising her. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That penny could well have been "from heaven" for the client who owned that vehicle. It could easily have fallen from the client's pocket or purse and have been presumed lost. That writer should have offered the penny back to the customer. And you, Abby, instead of taking pleasure at the taking of another's property, should have pointed that out. -- C.R. IN WALLER, TEXAS

DEAR C.R.: Thanks for putting your helpful criticism so kindly. One reader from Studio City, Calif., asked me if I had a geranium in my cranium for overlooking the point.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Melanie," and her fiance, "Tom, expect their first child next month. Tom's mother, "Shirley," currently has no home of her own and is living with relatives. Shirley plans to attend Melanie's baby shower three weeks before the baby is due, and remain indefinitely with them in their apartment. The apartment is big enough for Tom, Melanie and the baby, but certainly no more.

Tom can't bring himself to say "No" to Shirley, and Melanie is distraught over this. She doesn't like having people around her 24/7, and she's physically sick to her stomach about it. Shirley was not invited. She simply informed my daughter when she would arrive and where she would be sleeping.

Should I get involved, or should I let the children work this out themselves? Please advise. -- ANXIOUS MOTHER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ANXIOUS: I advise you to stay out of the fray. Offer your daughter emotional support, but do not fight this battle for her. As much as you might like to help, it is time for your daughter to strengthen her backbone and learn to assert herself. It would be nice if her fiance had matured enough to tell his mother to back off at some point, but it appears he hasn't.

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, "Donald," ransacks our desk and bureau drawers and looks at everything when he comes to visit. He doesn't take anything, but he goes through anything that arouses his interest.

Donald has a pleasant disposition, but his pawing through our things makes my other daughter furious. Neither of us knows what to do about it because we don't want to alienate my younger daughter.

Anything you suggest will be appreciated. Last week, he opened a small drawer where I keep my checkbook and monthly payment records. It's driving us batty. Help! -- GOING BATTY

DEAR GOING BATTY: Relocate your financial and personal papers to a locked filing cabinet. Put a lock on your bedroom door and use it when Donald is in the house. Actions speak louder than words.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman in need of help. I used to live at my grandmother's house with my younger sisters and my parents. My father hasn't worked since I was born. My mom managed a local flower shop and made good money, but she was fired two years ago after she started using cocaine with Dad and her boss found out.

My grandma and my 19-year-old sister take care of my 12- and 14-year-old sisters because our parents are broke. To make matters worse, my uncle, "Ralph," moved here from Florida last year and now lives at my grandma's. Uncle Ralph has a jail record and is verbally and physically abusive to Grandma and to my sisters' cats and dogs. The police have been called, but they can't do anything unless Grandma says she wants him out. The thing is, she's terrified of him. She told my sister she wishes he would leave, but she's too scared to tell him.

Abby, Uncle Ralph is the reason I moved out. How can I get him out of that house, and how can I get my parents help for their drug problem? Most of my money goes to help out with my sisters. I need a car and I'd like to go back to college, but I can't until this burden is lifted off my shoulders. I suffer anxiety attacks from worrying about this. Please help! -- ANXIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DAR ANXIOUS: You may not like this message, but you need to hear it. You are not Wonder Woman, and you have placed far too much responsibility on your own shoulders. You are focusing so hard on other people's problems that you have forgotten to take care of yourself.

Isn't it time that your grandmother and parents took responsibility for themselves? You have already helped them as much as you can -- more than anyone can reasonably expect. There's a reason why airline passengers are instructed that in an emergency they must first place the oxygen masks over their own faces, and THEN over the faces of their dependents. It's so they don't all black out at once.

My advice is to contact Al-Anon and learn how to separate other people's problems from your own. Get back in school and get counseling through the student health center. Once you are out of school and established financially, then you will be in a stronger position to help your siblings.

DEAR ABBY: I was brutally raped a few months ago by a man I had thought was kind and gentle. Afterward, I learned that he had also been violently abusive to his ex-wife and former girlfriend.

He's in jail for now, but I will have to testify against him in court soon, and I'm scared to death.

Everyone tells me to be brave and speak out, but I just want to put this all behind me. It keeps preying on my mind, and I'm frightened at night when I'm home alone. I'm afraid I'll never feel safe again. I have these nightmares that he escapes and beats me to death. Did I do the wrong thing when I reported him? -- FRIGHTENED IN IDAHO

DEAR FRIGHTENED: No, you did the right thing. Permit me to add my voice to the chorus of those urging you to be brave and testify. By standing up for yourself, you will also heal yourself. However, you should also be receiving support from a rape crisis center during this difficult time. And when you go to court, you should have a victim's advocate by your side. Pick up the phone and call (800) 656-4673. It's the toll-free number of the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. They will guide you to the help you need.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter you received from "Lost in Alabama," a former foster child who had lived in an emergency shelter for seven months before being placed in a foster home for the week before she turned 18. The girl was allowed to call the shelter for a short time before finally being asked not to call anymore and told to "move on with her life."

You wisely advised her to contact the YWCA. YWCA associations offer a variety of services, and many of them provide transitional housing programs. The girl from Alabama can learn about resources provided by her local YWCA by going to the Web site at www.ywca.org.

Since passage of the Foster Care Independence Act in 1999, more assistance is available to this population. This legislation allowed states to extend Medicaid coverage up to age 21; permits youth to save money while in care to prepare for independence without their assets counting against their eligibility for foster care funding; provides funding to states for initial and ongoing training of foster parents; and created the Chafee Foster Care Independence Program. This program increased funding to states for independent living activities and offers increased assistance for room and board.

Youth should contact their state's foster care system to get more information about resources. If they have trouble navigating the system, the Child Welfare League of America may be able to assist: www.cwla.org. -- KELLY BELL-McGLOTHAN, YWCA OF FORT WORTH/TARRANT COUNTY

DEAR KELLY: Since that letter ran, I have been told that nearly 25,000 young people "age out" of the foster care system each year -- and few, if any of them, have the necessary skills to live on their own. I congratulate you for the work you are doing with this underserved population. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Lost" and all other teens in foster care should reach out and ask for help. They don't have to wait until they are 18 to do it. Teens in foster care need adults to step forward and help them reach their goals.

Agencies that can refer young people to help in their local communities include the local CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) programs and Foster Parent Associations. A good online resource is Foster Club (www.fosterclub.com). Casey Family Programs also has a set of self-directed planning tools for youth at its Web site: www.casey.org/Resources/Tools/CaseyLifeSkills.htm. -- JANIS AVERY, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, TREEHOUSE, SEATTLE

DEAR JANIS: Thank you for sharing these valuable resources. Several other caring readers also pointed out that Job Corps helps youth between the ages of 16 and 24. Young people can live on-site for up to two years while working on their education and job-training skills. They receive free room, board, medical and dental care in addition to counseling and a small stipend. The Web site is www.jobcorps.org and the toll-free number is (800) 733-5627.

Additional resources for young people in need of assistance include Catholic Charities and the Orphan Foundation of America, which also helps youth in the foster care system. The Orphan Foundation can be reached at www.orphan.org or by calling (571) 203-0270.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)