DEAR ABBY: "Resentful in Illinois" described her husband as so obsessed with his cousin's little daughter that he acts as though she is his child -- saying he is "in withdrawal" if he doesn't see her often.

"Resentful" confided that she would love to have a child of her own and was hurt because her husband kept postponing it. She asked you if she was overreacting. You suggested that the child might really be her husband's.

Abby, you missed one other important possibility. "Resentful's" husband may be involved with that child in an inappropriate relationship. Statistics show that 80 percent of sexual abuse of children occurs in a relationship with someone the child, the mother and other family members trust.

"Resentful" should watch for any signs that the relationship has gone too far. If the husband is resistant to marriage counseling, it could be a red flag.

I am a pediatrician. I deal with some of these same situations in my medical practice. -- DISTURBED PHYSICIAN IN CINCINNATI

DEAR DISTURBED PHYSICIAN: Yours was one of several hundred letters and e-mails I received echoing the same suspicion. Although "Resentful in Illinois" wrote anonymously, I'm printing your letter because I thought she should see your take on the situation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Resentful in Illinois," you mentioned the man's excessive attachment to his niece. The child of his cousin is his "first cousin once removed," not his niece. -- MOLLY IN DENVER

DEAR MOLLY: Thank you for straightening out my genealogy terminology.

DEAR ABBY: "Sonia" and I have been married 10 years and have two young sons. Our marriage has been rocky for the last few years. Six months ago, I told her we had to get counseling -- which we did. After the second session she refused to go back. I suspect she realized that our counselor knew she was lying.

Sonia doesn't think I deserve a sex life. She picks arguments with me, and when I walk away she berates me. She seems to enjoy fighting in front of the children. She threatens me in front of them that she's going to "take everything," and I'll be left with nothing. I promise my boys repeatedly that I will never leave them.

Sonia has a part-time job. She refuses to work full time because if we split up, she "wouldn't get as much child support." Last week she told me the only reason she married me was because I made good money. Now I'm unable to work because of a back injury, and Sonia complains my disability check isn't enough to maintain the lifestyle she deserves.

Abby, I pay all the bills. I do most of the cooking and cleaning. My kids mean everything to me. I am not leaving my home, but living with Sonia is becoming more difficult by the day. Please give me some advice. -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MAINE

DEAR TROUBLED HUSBAND: You are married to a verbal abuser, a person with no regard for the emotional security and well-being of your children or for your feelings. It is now time to consider how destructive this kind of atmosphere is for the children. Since counseling hasn't worked, consult an attorney and thoroughly explore your options. However, before you do, carefully document exactly what your wife is doing and saying. Be sure to include dates and times. It will strengthen your case.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a hard time dealing with an upcoming event. My husband, "Rob," and our nephews are planning a night out visiting the local all-nude strip clubs. I walked into the room just as one nephew was inviting him. Abby, he jumped at the chance! When I asked what they were talking about, Rob said, "Nothing," and changed the subject.

I don't want him to go. This isn't a new occurrence in our more-than-30-year marriage. After we were married seven years, Rob came home from work and told me he wanted to be with other women. The men he worked with all had girlfriends on the side and were always talking about how great it was, and my husband thought he was missing something. Since Rob's sister and young son were living with us at the time, I moved out. Every day he called me at work to see how I was, and on the third day he called, crying, and begged me to come home. He had decided I was what he really wanted.

Twelve years later, Rob had a stress breakdown. While he was in the hospital he confessed that he'd had a three-year affair with a woman he worked with and had paid for her to have an abortion. He said it was over and promised there would be no more women. It was his idea, not mine. I never mentioned the subject again. Now this.

Abby, I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with this. The "boys' night out" is in three weeks. I have decided to tell Rob that I wish he wouldn't go -- not can't go -- and leave the decision up to him. Am I just a jealous wife, or insecure, or unreasonable? -- WOUNDED IN NEW YORK

DEAR WOUNDED: I'd say you're insecure with good reason. Your husband's history of fidelity and stability is poor, and it didn't help matters that when you asked what the men were talking about, he was evasive. You do not appear to be jealous. It would not be unreasonable to air your feelings about his behavior, past and present, when you tell him you wish he wouldn't go. Considering his past, the request is understandable.

DEAR ABBY: While my mother lay on her deathbed, my stepfather of 17 years had her sign a new will, leaving everything to him. She was heavily sedated at the time, but he explained that it would be easier for him to disburse the money that she wanted us kids to have if he were in charge.

He remarried one year after Mother died and dropped us like hot potatoes. It has been a while since I contacted him, but my family had financial difficulties, so I called to ask about the money. His reply, "Tough luck."

He had promised my mother, my siblings and me that he would take care of us. We're not talking about a few bucks, Abby, we're talking about a half-million dollars!

I pray he reads this and thinks hard about what he did. Please help. I have no other recourse. -- HURT DAUGHTER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? I did. Here's what my legal expert had to say:

"As a matter of law, yes, there could be some recourse. However, we don't know how much time has elapsed since the mother died and the stepfather remarried. If the new will was done on the reliance of the promise he made, there MAY be something that could be done when he dies."

So, my advice to you and your siblings is to consult an attorney who specializes in planning estates.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading your column on how to ensure that bridesmaids' dresses match perfectly, I would like to offer a different perspective.

I married for the first time last June at age 47, and I did it on a very low budget. I would have paid for my bridesmaids' dresses had I been able to afford them, but it wasn't possible. My solution was to simply tell my closest friends to wear what they looked and felt good in -- preferably something blue.

One friend could only afford to wear the mauve dress from her daughter's wedding, so I changed my color scheme to a "rainbow" wedding.

On my wedding day, my bridesmaids were more nervous than I was. So, after they helped me into my white gown and veil, I put on a white baseball cap, blew a whistle and gave the following pep talk: "OK, team. We've trained long and hard for this day, and it's here. There's tension and obstacles, but let me ask you -- have we got the heart? (Yes!) The desire? (Yes!) Are we in this together? (Yes!) Then what're we gonna do? Win! Win! Win! Yea, team!"

I didn't care if things matched perfectly. What mattered was these were the people I cared about the most, people who had a special place on our special day and enjoyed themselves. And do you know what? Everyone looked fabulous! If I was outshined, that was OK. I still had the husband, bless his patient, enduring soul.

A lot of our guests said it was one of the best weddings and receptions they had ever been to. So things weren't exact -- big deal! -- IMPERFECT BUT HAPPY BRIDE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR HAPPY BRIDE: I'm sure no one shined brighter than you on your special day. You were beautiful, both from without and within. Even more important than the color scheme, your priorities were in order. I wish you and your husband many happy years together, surrounded by the friends who love you.

DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this problem in your column. My husband and I have been seeing "Dr. Smith" for more than 10 years. We like him, but we're considering going to another doctor who was recommended by a friend. Dr. Smith does only cursory examinations. He doesn't ask enough questions or really listen to our complaints. Our friend says her doctor is very patient and thorough.

This is a very small town, and we run into Dr. Smith at the country club from time to time. We don't want to offend him or be uncomfortable when we see him.

Your advice will be appreciated. -- ALLAN AND KRYSTAL IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR ALLAN AND KRYSTAL: Change doctors if you feel you will receive better care. Your doctor may have such a full roster that he won't even miss the two of you. Please do not feel the need to apologize. Medicine is a business, and if Dr. Smith isn't customer-friendly, you are within your rights to seek care elsewhere. If you are asked why you felt the need to change doctors, tell him the truth. You'll be doing him a favor and helping to improve his practice for other patients.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)