DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old mother of four and have lived with "Arnold" for 18 years. Arnie has always promised he'd marry me "someday," and I believed him -- until last Valentine's Day.

Before Valentine's Day, I had been dropping hints about how romantic it would be if he proposed on that day. We found a sitter and he took me to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I was thrilled, because it was the first time we'd been out alone in a long time.

My heart was pounding all through dinner because I thought this would be the night. Arnie kept repeating how much he loved me -- something he has a hard time saying. But that's as far as it went! When we were walking to the car, I finally said, "You're not going to pop the question, are you?" He then removed a tiny ring from his pocket and said, "This is a promise ring. I promise to marry you -- someday."

I was devastated. It was as though we were teenagers and he was asking me to go steady. Arnie went on to add that he "wasn't ready" for marriage yet. Well, I don't think he'll EVER be ready!

Am I wrong to expect this man to make a legal commitment? For heaven's sake, we have four children together! We have been a couple for almost two decades. Brides are supposed to be young and pretty. I'm turning old and gray with every day that passes. Should I continue to hang onto the hope that Arnie will keep his "promise" -- or is it time to leave? -- MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN IN CANADA

DEAR MOTHER: You have been patient long enough. Arnold's promise was an empty one and an insult. If marriage is what you want, please don't wait until your grandchildren or great-grandchildren are old enough to be your flower girls and ring bearers. I recommend consulting an attorney to find out what your common-law rights are. You've put your money on the wrong horse.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl. My grandparents have raised me because my mom is a drug addict who couldn't take care of herself, much less me. Dad was an alcoholic and took drugs, too.

The police caught Mom with drugs several times and put her in jail. Her parole officer made her go to rehab, but it didn't work very well. She needed a place to stay when she got out, so my grandparents let her stay here for a while. They kicked her out when she came home high.

Mom works at a strip club now. It embarrasses me to have a mother who's a stripper, and we argue a lot when she comes by. She tells me my grandparents are to blame for what she does because they didn't let her live with them.

I hate the fights. But I hate even more the fear that someone may recognize her and think I'm like her. I'm not.

Should I ask my grandparents to move a long way away, so I won't have to worry? Or should I ask to be put in a foster home in another state, or what? -- ASHAMED IN OHIO

DEAR ASHAMED: None of the above. You are your own person, and you have done nothing for which you should be ashamed. Concentrate on your grades and extracurricular activities where your talents can shine. And if anyone mentions your mother, hold your head up and tell the person her problems are her own and you're living your own life. It's true.

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DEAR ABBY: "Krista in Jacksonville" complained that her husband sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house and scares her. He also appears out of nowhere when she's in the shower. You advised her that his behavior is childish and a touch sadistic -- and told her to hang bells on her door frames and lock the bathroom door.

While your answer was good, you may have overlooked something. Sneaking up on someone, especially a spouse, could be considered a precursor to an abusive relationship. The person doing the sneaking has the control and is doing it to scare the other person. I think Krista and her husband should get marital counseling. -- SEEN IT BEFORE IN BOISE

DEAR SEEN IT BEFORE: While I did not consider the husband's behavior to be ominous, your point is worth considering. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father used to do the same thing to my mother (and me and my siblings) until he caught her off guard one night when she nearly slapped him back into the previous week. (She claimed it was a reflex.) He's never sneaked up on any of us again. -- ANDREA IN BARSTOW, CALIF.

DEAR ANDREA: He should have considered himself lucky. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It was with a knowing smile that I read Krista's letter. Unfortunately, sneaking up on her could put her husband's life in danger. My husband used to enjoy doing that, too, that is, until one evening when I was in the kitchen cutting some meat for dinner, and he scared me. Without meaning to, I almost stabbed him. Thankfully, I missed. Needless to say, it hasn't happened again. Ever since that incident, he always announces his presence. As a matter of fact, he kind of reminds me of the old TV series where the husband would walk in the door and holler, "Honey, I'm home!" -- MEGAN IN WYOMING

DEAR MEGAN: That's one way to get your "point" across.

DEAR ABBY: My husband also liked to scare me. One night he came up from behind as I was leaving the bathroom. The hallway light was off and, not knowing who or what was behind me, my reaction was one of self-defense. I turned and hit as hard as I could.

Ten years have passed since that incident, and I recently heard him telling our kids the story of why not EVER to scare Mama. -- PATRICIA IN MANHATTAN BEACH

DEAR PATRICIA: It seems you made a lasting impression.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Krista in Jacksonville," and her husband who sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house: I notice she didn't mention why he persists in doing it.

I used to "surprise" my girlfriend like that, but in retrospect, I wasn't admitting even to myself that I expected to find her with someone else. -- FORMER TIPTOER IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FORMER TIPTOER: It would be interesting to know whether your fears were justified. The kind of insecurity you describe feeds upon itself, and no amount of reassurance can make it go away. It is telling that you use the past tense to describe that relationship. Thank you for laying it on the line and providing food for thought to readers of both sexes.

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DEAR ABBY: A year ago I was placed in an emergency shelter for seven months, until I graduated from high school. I turned 18 three weeks ago. Because of state guidelines, I was forced to leave the shelter and went to a foster home for a week.

The shelter has a policy that there be no contact between the staff and clients for 18 months, but I was allowed to call there. Last week, I got a call from the director of the shelter, saying I "needed to stop calling and move on with my life." My problem is, before I went there I had no positive support or role models, and now, when something good happens, I want to call and talk to one of them because I got real close to them.

Do you have any advice on how to move on with my life? -- LOST IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOST: It is unconscionable that children are dumped from the system with no skills, no one to confide in, and no one to mentor them.

Contact the foster youth program in your state. Ask to speak to a social worker and inquire about transitional counseling and support. You should also contact the YWCA and see if they provide mentoring. You have reached a point where you must decide where you want to go in life. Have you considered a vocational school or college? Their financial offices can provide suggestions about part-time employment while you're completing your education. Once you're enrolled, you'll meet other young people with positive goals and make friends.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in the fall and have asked my niece to be the only musician and play her violin in my wedding. She agreed to do it as a gift to me.

I want her to purchase a bridesmaid's dress and shoes (together about $220) so she'll match the bridesmaids, as she'll be in the front of the church. Her family refuses to buy the dress or shoes. This has upset me and my family and caused a lot of tension.

It is my wedding, and I feel they should accommodate my wishes. Don't you agree? -- HURT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR HURT: Not necessarily. Two hundred and twenty dollars may not seem like much to you, but it may be to your niece. So be prepared to pony up the money and pay for her outfit if you're determined that she match the bridesmaids.

Look at it this way: You're getting a live musician at no cost. Consider the costume your gift to HER for participating in your dream wedding.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old high school student. My friend "Denise" has an almost insane crush on a friend of ours. Denise is so obsessed with him that she has hysterical fits of crying and rage if he pays attention to another girl. She talks about suicide if she can't be with him.

I know this is not normal, but I don't know what to do. I'm concerned Denise will hurt herself or someone else. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN CALGARY

DEAR CONCERNED: Tell your parents, a teacher, or a counselor at school about her behavior, her threats and your concerns. Your friend has gone off the deep end and may need to be psychologically evaluated.

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