DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Concerned in Northbrook," where the 14-year-old niece was instructed to stay home alone and let the tile man in, I feel compelled to share my story.

My former husband, "Steve," seemed attractive, gentle and polite. While working as an installer for a nationwide security company, he lured a 14-year-old girl into his van and sexually assaulted her. Her parents' determination to shield their daughter enabled Steve to plea-bargain a prison sentence of only eight months. After his release, Steve returned to work as an installer for a satellite TV company and currently works for another security company, installing systems in homes.

Although he is a registered sex offender, no one would ever guess Steve is a pedophile. His parole officer told me that he shouldn't be around children. Can you imagine leaving your 14-year-old daughter home alone to let in my charming former husband? -- ALSO CONCERNED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ALSO CONCERNED: Your warning is chilling. Parents, please take note and take nothing for granted. Better to be overly cautious than not cautious enough.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 13. My best friend, "Heather," moved an hour away, and we have kind of drifted apart. On Saturday, I ran into her at my friend "Tanya's" house here in town. We all went to the mall, and Heather met "Johnny," a 16-year-old guy who goes to my school.

Well, Johnny came back to Tanya's house (her parents weren't home), and he and Heather were all over each other. They were hot and heavy on the couch while Tanya and I tried to watch TV. To make a long story short, Johnny and Heather ended up having sex right there in the same room with us. I couldn't believe what I was seeing -- they hadn't known each other more than a few hours.

The news about Johnny and Heather spread fast. Everyone wants to know if I still consider Heather my friend. Kids are calling her "easy," along with other names I won't mention.

As much as I want to be her friend, I'm worried about getting a bad reputation if I stick up for her. Plus, I'm scared my mom will hear about what went on that day. What should I do? -- STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT IN A TEXAS TOWN

DEAR STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT: Tell the truth. Say that you and Heather used to be close friends, but since she moved away you're not close anymore.

P.S. I hope you WILL tell your mother what happened that day. Heather's mother needs to know that her daughter is sexually active, and vulnerable to STDs and pregnancy. It will be doing Heather a tremendous favor, and help her to avoid a lot of trouble in the near future.

DEAR ABBY: I've just had the most dreaded of all shopping trips: the New Bra Expedition. No woman over the age of 12 looks forward to it. I'd rather strip and wax a kitchen floor.

Now brassiere manufacturers have made things worse by placing the strap length adjustment in the BACK of the bra. What were they thinking? Why not move the opening to the back of men's briefs -- it makes just as much sense.

I'd be interested in hearing from other women about this lunacy. Abby, dear, let's start a campaign to return sanity to women's underwear. -- DOUBLE-JOINTED IN DAYTON

DEAR DOUBLE-JOINTED: I'll join you on the bandwagon because I too sometimes wonder whether certain garments have been designed by men without first consulting women.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I date a man, I wine and dine him with gifts and candlelight dinners, but they never seem to be appreciated. Not only that, none of them ever do anything for me. I am always being stood up, heartbroken, used or taken advantage of.

What am I doing wrong? What do men want or look for in a woman? Also, should I be dating men who are separated? -- LONELY AND CONFUSED, COLUMBIA, MD.

DEAR LONELY: You're giving too much, too soon. Most men want a challenge and enjoy the thrill of pursuit. If you take that away from them, they take you for granted.

Men who are separated are still married. Moreover, they are just coming out of a bad experience. Unless your idea of a pleasant evening is hand-holding and commiserating, a good rule of thumb is to look for someone who hasn't recently been burned.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away after a long struggle with breast cancer. She lived in our home; we were her caregivers, and her absence is mourned every day.

My problem is my mother's family. I have called and written to them, but have had little response.

My 90-year-old grandmother came to our home a few weeks after Mom died and went from room to room taking inventory of things she wanted her "boys" to have. She then called and gave me an additional list of "family" items she wanted for sentimental reasons. I know there is more to it than sentiment. My mother had these things for 40 years, but for some reason, it's not OK for me -- her adopted daughter -- to keep them.

I realize they were only "things," but my hurt is palpable because they represented a family connection I thought I had all these years.

I knew I was adopted, but it took my grandmother to make me realize that in her eyes adoption means "unworthy." Any advice would be appreciated. -- FEELING UNWORTHY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING UNWORTHY: Your grandmother's behavior is appalling. Has she always been this way, or could she be suffering from dementia? If she has all her marbles, then please note that the items your mother brought to your home were hers regardless of who covets them -- and cannot be removed without your permission. Did your mother have a will? Did she have an attorney? Please discuss this with a lawyer -- and if necessary, a grief counselor to help you during this difficult period. You have my sympathy for the loss of both your mother and your illusions about the people you considered to be your family.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away after a long struggle with breast cancer. She lived in our home; we were her caregivers, and her absence is mourned every day.

My problem is my mother's family. I have called and written to them, but have had little response.

My 90-year-old grandmother came to our home a few weeks after Mom died and went from room to room taking inventory of things she wanted her "boys" to have. She then called and gave me an additional list of "family" items she wanted for sentimental reasons. I know there is more to it than sentiment. My mother had these things for 40 years, but for some reason, it's not OK for me -- her adopted daughter -- to keep them.

I realize they were only "things," but my hurt is palpable because they represented a family connection I thought I had all these years.

I knew I was adopted, but it took my grandmother to make me realize that in her eyes adoption means "unworthy." Any advice would be appreciated. -- FEELING UNWORTHY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING UNWORTHY: Your grandmother's behavior is appalling. Has she always been this way, or could she be suffering from dementia? If she has all her marbles, then please note that the items your mother brought to your home were hers regardless of who covets them -- and cannot be removed without your permission. Did your mother have a will? Did she have an attorney? Please discuss this with a lawyer -- and if necessary, a grief counselor to help you during this difficult period. You have my sympathy for the loss of both your mother and your illusions about the people you considered to be your family.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Worried Sick in Alabama," whose mother was about to give money to a known con man. The same thing happened to my mother, who didn't stop "lending" money until $67,000 was gone.

The district attorney, two police departments and an attorney who specializes in elder issues sympathized with me, but no one could do anything. They told me, in effect, that as long as people are mentally competent, they can do whatever they want with their own money. Trusting, naive and misguided do not constitute incompetence.

Finally, I hired a private detective who found pending felony theft charges and other incriminating facts about the guy who was conning my mother. I believe she was persuaded more by the fact I hired a private detective than by what he dug up. She did quit writing checks, but I live in constant fear that some other con artist will find her.

I encourage "Worried" to find some way to invest her mother's money so that Mom won't have instant access to it. If possible, she should be convinced to let her daughter pay her bills for her, and set up a checking account where two signatures are required.

This is a difficult and, I suspect, widespread problem. I don't know what the answer is, because it includes issues of dignity and self-worth, as well as independence. I know elderly people who have lost their good judgment, and will lose their ability to pay their own way because of it. -- STILL WORRIED IN ALABAMA

DEAR STILL WORRIED: Perhaps the next letter will ease your mind. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We at the National Center on Elder Abuse read the tragic letter from "Worried Sick in Alabama." Sadly, her story illustrates how financial crimes pose a growing threat to the well-being and independence of our "greatest generation."

It is cause for concern when a senior grants unusual access or control of his or her assets to another person in suspicious circumstances. A challenge in detecting this is that victims may be reluctant to reveal financial abuse or accuse their abuser out of fear of retaliation or losing their independence. They may also feel embarrassed or reluctant to get the perpetrator in trouble.

In addition to consulting an attorney and contacting law enforcement, our advice is to report concerns to Adult Protective Services, the long-term care ombudsman or the state attorney general's office. Call the Eldercare Locator, a public service of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration of Aging, at (800) 677-1116 (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. EST) to quickly find the numbers of your local agencies. To learn more about how to prevent, recognize or respond to elder abuse, neglect or exploitation, please visit our Web site at www.elderabusecenter.org.

Thank you, Abby, for helping millions of American seniors with your informative and sensitive advice. -- AMY HANLEY, NATIONAL CENTER ON ELDER ABUSE

DEAR AMY: Thank you for a helpful letter; you will never know how many people you have helped today. It breaks my heart that these services are necessary, but I'm grateful that you are there to protect vulnerable seniors from predators.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)