DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Chuck," and I have been married going on five years. He's a long-haul truck driver.

Three weeks ago, he asked me for a divorce because he's been cheating on me with a long-haul lady driver I'll call Annabelle. The next weekend, he came home and we were together like nothing happened.

The weekend after that, Chuck said he's decided to hold off on the divorce until he can straighten out his head. He says he's depressed and unhappy, that he still loves me, but he doesn't know what he wants. Before he left on his new job -- driving with Annabelle -- he put his wedding ring back on. Then Chuck made a comment I still don't understand. He said that she was happy he did it.

Chuck says I have to lose my stomach and firm up my breasts, but that is easier said than done at 40. Before we got married, I was a size 24. Now I'm a size 16, so where does he get off saying I'm too fat?

Some of my friends say Chuck is going through a midlife crisis because he'll be 45 in a couple of months. I don't know what to do anymore. My head says to file for divorce and get on with my life. My heart says to wait a couple of months. I love him deeply even though he ripped my heart to pieces and destroyed what little self-esteem I had left. Please help. -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR HURT AND CONFUSED: Hold off on that divorce. It appears your husband's spirits are sagging more than your stomach and breasts. His problem could be a midlife crisis or depression -- but whatever it is, he needs to speak to his doctor and stop projecting his problems onto you.

P.S. He should also change driving partners. If I were you, I'd demand it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Nancy," is 14 going on 21. She wants to start dating, but I don't think she's ready. So she goes out anyway and doesn't ask my permission. After she's out, she doesn't bother to call to say where she is or if she's OK.

Nancy also refuses to do her chores. Not long ago, she failed to come home after school; she takes the bus. I looked for her for two hours, then I called the police and filed a report. She didn't show up until after 11 p.m. Her excuse was that she was working on an English project with a friend. I wanted to believe her. I told her she should have at least called. The next night, she did the same thing.

This time, I called her friends and found out she was with a boy named "Steve" and she wasn't doing homework.

What can I do, Abby? My daughter will not listen to me. She plans to continue seeing Steve, even though I forbid it -- and plans to spend the night with him. I think she's too young to be dating this seriously. What's the best way to tell when your teenager is ready to date? -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Girls who are "ready to date" are young women who have proven they are responsible, make intelligent decisions and can be trusted.

Your daughter has not done this, and she is on the verge of getting herself into serious trouble.

As her parent, you must quickly learn to assert yourself -- something it appears you have not done. There is a support group for parents of hard-to-handle children. It is called BILY (Because I Love You). For information and locations, log on to the Web site at www.BILY.org.

P.S. You did not mention how old Steve is. If he is 18, he is presumed to be an adult. At 14, your daughter is legally too young to consent to sex, which would make Steve a sex offender and vulnerable to prosecution.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My father actually cut out the letter you printed from "Second Thoughts in Texas" and mailed it to me. It was the one from the woman asking if she should break up with "Dale," a romantic, nurturing and supportive man who isn't as bright as she would prefer him to be.

I have been dealing with the same issue for the last eight years. I'm 32; my husband, "Jay," is 28. I divorced him two years ago for the same reasons "Second Thoughts" related.

While Jay and I were apart, I dated other men -- generally older. And I did find someone, "Bill," who fit the ideal I was looking for. My problem was, I could never get the "feeling" for Bill that I had for my husband, even though I tried. The breakup with Bill was terrible.

Jay and I are back together now and happier than ever.

I am still in college and I took a personality test. I gave the same test to Jay. We couldn't believe the results. It put a lot of things in perspective about the two of us. I can get intellectual stimulation at school or at work. It is much harder to find someone who is always there for me than it is to find a witty conversationalist.

She should never let him go. -- WARM HEART IN CHICAGO

DEAR WARM HEART: That letter generated a stack of mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is for the woman who has "Second Thoughts in Texas." Lady, you will soon realize that the man you have is the one you wished for, despite his lack of intellect. My husband is all you mentioned. I help him with his intellectual skills because he is worth every effort.

We have been married eight years, and I take pride in the fact that my husband makes the effort to impress me with his conversation and etiquette. We discussed it when we were first married, and things have been fine ever since. But I would never have considered giving him up because there were so many great reasons to stay with him.

Tell "Second Thoughts" that not every marriage starts out 100 percent. There is always an area that needs a little help, but you can work on it together. -- WORTH EVERY EFFORT IN NEW YORK

DEAR WARM HEART AND WORTH EVERY EFFORT: As I said in my reply to "Second Thoughts," for many women, Dale's positive qualities would be enough and he would be considered a prize. Your experiences prove the truth of that statement. But for someone to enter a marriage feeling that he or she is making a sacrifice because his or her partner is somehow lacking is unfair to the partner, and I would not recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Gertie," lived with us for the last two years since she was no longer able to care for herself. We let her have the master bedroom. I moved into the computer room and slept on a cot while my husband, "Duane," slept on a hide-a-bed in the living room.

Gertie died two months ago, and now Duane refuses to move her belongings out of that room. He says that everything in there is sacred. My husband even turns her favorite nightlight on at night. What am I to do? I can't compete with a ghost! -- HELPLESS

DEAR HELPLESS: Your husband is grieving for his mother and is not behaving rationally. He needs grief counseling and possibly a support group. Consult his doctor and see that he gets it. Meanwhile, join him on the hide-a-bed.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have three wonderful sons, ranging in age from 12 to 19. For the last 10 years, I have had bouts of depression when I think about losing them to girlfriends or wives. I keep remembering all the negative mother-in-law jokes and the derogatory commercials I have seen. How can anyone think that a mother can turn off her love for a son because another woman might get jealous or possessive? It is pounded into everyone's head that mothers-in-law are horrible and unworthy of communication and love from their son and his family.

I am sick of it! I'm a good person. I love my sons with every ounce of my being. I'll be there for them whenever I am needed. It is horrifying to me that the first time I might say something that doesn't suit my son's wife, she'll cut me out of their lives.

Men are such doormats for their girlfriends and wives! Why don't they stand up for their mothers the way we stood up for them? -- SICK OF THE BAD REP

DEAR SICK: Where did you get the idea that the majority of in-law relationships are dysfunctional? Women who welcome their daughters-in-law and don't treat them as rivals usually have warm and loving relationships. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? I am concerned that your preconceptions will poison your future relationships. Please discuss them with a psychotherapist, and don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I live with a man I'll call Elmer who is, for the most part, a great guy. He accepted my son as his own and provided for him the same way he does for our daughter. We have a nice home, material comforts, and Elmer makes sure all our bills are covered if I can't afford to pay them myself.

Last year, I decided I wanted to go and swim with the dolphins -- literally. I told Elmer this is a spiritual thing, something I want to do for myself and by myself. Elmer tends to be sort of a control freak, but if I stand my ground, he usually backs down. With this dolphin thing, though, he's making my life miserable.

Elmer has 1,001 reasons for me not to take the trip, none of which are valid.

What can I do to make him see that there are plenty of couples who sometimes take separate trips? He says if I love him, I won't go without him. He didn't give me this hard a time when I changed religions. -- NEEDS ADVICE IN MARYLAND

DEAR NEEDS: Since I don't know Elmer, it's hard to say what you can do to reassure him. He may be afraid that you will get in over your head -- literally. Or he may feel insecure about the relationship he has with you since you are not married.

However, in life we must all follow our own spiritual paths. We must also prioritize our wishes in the order of their importance. If swimming with the dolphins is more important to you than Elmer, then you will have to dive in, even if it means swimming through the rest of your life without him.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)