DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Recently, a friend I'll call "Toni" asked if my 5-year-old daughter, "Chris," could stay overnight with her 4-year-old son. I have always said no, but this time Chris wanted so badly to do it that I said yes.

Toni knows how protective I am. She assured me Chris would be safe in her care. So my husband and I went to a movie and dinner. Since we were in the neighborhood, we stopped by around 10 p.m. to check on our daughter. When we arrived, we found Toni had gone to a party and left the children with a teenage baby sitter.

The children were upstairs jumping on the bed and raising Cain. I was horrified that my child had been left with a stranger when my friend had assured me she would be there. We packed up our little girl and left.

Toni called later to find out what happened. I explained my feeling that she should not have left Chris with a stranger without discussing it with me first. She called me paranoid and said I have a mental disorder and that I can't always protect my child.

Abby, I am not asking for advice. I am asking for your opinion so that I can prove a point. I want to open other parents' eyes to the fact that in this day and age we must do whatever is in our power to protect our children -- no matter whose toes we step on. -- PARANOID MOTHER

DEAR PARANOID: I agree that parents must do everything they can to protect their children. However, that is not what your letter is really about. Your friend was wrong to lead you to believe she would be supervising your daughter when that wasn't the case. It was dishonest and unfair, and I don't blame you for taking your child home. I see nothing wrong with parents socializing with other adults and leaving their children with a responsible sitter. But parents should have the right to screen the sitter themselves if they wish.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter returned to college after Christmas break, my live-in boyfriend, "Ollie," informed me that he considers her to be a "guest" in our home and that she had overstayed her welcome. I feel that since she is still in school and my dependent, my home is her home and she is welcome to spend her breaks with me. My other daughter starts college in the fall, and I don't want her to feel that she, too, is a "guest" when she comes home.

This has been eating at me, Abby. I love Ollie, but there are no "choices" between my children and him. I thought he liked my children. I want to talk to Ollie to find out why he feels this way, and I am prepared to ask him to move out if he is firm about this.

Am I justified in drawing the line? -- HURT AND CONFUSED

DEAR HURT: You certainly are. Because your live-in appears to be both presumptuous and controlling, be glad that he spoke up now. A child coming home for a holiday vacation is hardly a major invasion. Consider very carefully what his attitude will mean for you in years to come. It is your daughters' home as well as yours, and he should not be dictating how long they should stay.

DEAR ABBY: I have two friends who divorced during the past year and now share custody of their children. During a recent argument, they began fighting over who gets to keep the church and the minister. So, Dear Abby, who does get custody of the minister? This is a new one on me. -- THE MINISTER IN QUESTION

DEAR MINISTER: Do not allow yourself to be drawn into something so petty. Both parties should be able to attend your church if they wish; there is usually more than one service on Sunday and separate sections in which to sit if they should happen to show up at the same time.

If they cannot agree to behave like civilized adults, then whichever one joined the church first should remain.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Todd," and I have been happily married for four years and together for six. We have a daughter (mine from a former marriage) and a beautiful little boy together. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Todd loves both children equally. Despite some tough financial times over the past two years, we are a happy family.

Our problem? Todd's mother. She's a negative, bitter woman who insists she "can't possibly" show our daughter the same love she shows our son. She sends affectionate notes to our son, none to our daughter. She shops at discount stores for our daughter and only the best shops for our son. She sent our son a beautiful handmade toy and our daughter a pencil -- yes, a pencil!

Please understand this isn't about gifts or the amount she spends. It's about the obvious disparity. Even worse, she's always saying that Todd couldn't possibly love our daughter the way he does our son. Need I tell you the damage this has already done to our daughter?

We are at our wit's end. Todd is ready to just walk away from his mother. I know we can't change the way she feels, but are we wrong to insist that she not show it so openly to our daughter? Help. Please. -- READY TO WALK AWAY

DEAR READY: You are not wrong. What you have described is emotional abuse on the part of your mother-in-law. Her blatant favoritism is heartless, deliberate and harmful to your children's relationship with each other -- not to mention damaging your daughter's self-esteem. If she fails to comply, you are also justified in limiting or restricting her contact with them.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago and I still have many of her things. I'm afraid that she'll think I don't love her or respect her belongings if I don't keep everything.

My question is, do you think she'll understand that I don't have a lot of space in my house? Do you have any ideas about where I could put her things? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. -- WITHOUT MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WITHOUT: Your mother left her things to you because she wanted you to enjoy them. Of course she would understand if you cannot use them all. She didn't intend for them to be a burden but a blessing.

Since there are more things than you need or want, please consider sharing the rest with other relatives who can appreciate their sentimental value. If that's not possible, donate them to a charity -- possibly one that raises money to fight the disease that took her. I can't think of a more worthwhile use for them than that.

DEAR ABBY: My long-divorced father was befriended by a well-to-do family from another country that has lived in the United States for a few years. They invited him to accompany them on a four-week visit to their country. While there, they talked him into marrying (on paper only) one of their sisters so that her child could get a U.S. visa.

The child has now arrived in the U.S. My father thinks he did a wonderful thing. I think he was used. What do you think? -- CONCERNED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONCERNED: I think your father committed immigration fraud. Please consult an immigration attorney on his behalf immediately. What I think is less important than what the INS will think if they get wind of his "good deed."

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DEAR ABBY: Every time I ask my friend, "Sally," if she wants to hang out, she says she has something else to do. A few weeks ago, she said she had to go out. About an hour later, while walking around the block, I noticed her car was there. I knocked on the door. Sally said she was getting ready to leave and besides she was on the phone. Does it take an hour to get ready to go out? I don't think so.

Sally and I have been friends since we were 4. I don't want to lose an old friend, but I'm not sure she really is a friend anymore. If she is, why does she keep ditching me? Should I consider her a friend? -- DITCHED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DITCHED: Consider her a friend, but a distant one. Not all friendships last forever. People change as they grow. Take the hint. Don't be a pest. Let her call you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 years old. A lot of times when I am feeling really happy and I'm talking to friends on the Internet, all of a sudden I feel a wave of sadness. And I remember bad things, like when my best friend died when I was little. But then I'll feel happy again. I don't know why this happens all the time. What do you think? -- BUMMED OR NOT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BUMMED OR NOT: Mood swings can be hormonal, especially at your age. However, since you were concerned enough to write to me, your next step should be to discuss the mood swings with your parents so they can schedule an appointment for a medical evaluation. There is probably nothing to worry about, but you should hear it from your doctor.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lyle," and I have a 14-month-old child together. My two children from an earlier relationship and Lyle's son make up our family of six. Lyle and I make good money and we both collect child support from previous partners.

What bothers me is Lyle won't let me see his paychecks or combine our joint incomes in any way. I've asked if we could pool our money. On a monthly basis, I earn more than he does, so I don't understand his reluctance.

I'm not a compulsive shopper. I've never told him to give me the money. We even set up a joint checking account for tax purposes, but he refuses to put money into it.

Abby, I feel like I'm just a roommate who shares expenses. We split the bills down to the last penny, and he shops for "his" children separately. He won't even agree to put our insurance policies together, and we're with the same company! His answer is, "I've always done it this way."

Am I wrong? I always thought married couples shared things. I'm at my breaking point. Please help. -- FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE, NOT A WIFE

DEAR FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE: Nothing can be resolved until you and Lyle are able to communicate honestly. Marriage counseling could help to bring out the issues that need to be addressed. You feel "like a roommate" because you are being treated like one. Having been through one divorce, your husband may be afraid to commingle his assets with yours. (In other words, he may feel insecure about the durability of your marriage.) Since law is not my area of expertise, you would be wise to consult an attorney about how your husband's behavior could affect your future.

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