DEAR ABBY: I am 22. My fiance, "David," is 23. We are both busy with our internships, working and finishing our degrees. David and his older brother still live at home, but now that we are planning a wedding and preparing our apartment, he sometimes spends the evening with me -- having dinner, planning, doing homework, etc. Occasionally he stays over. This has caused his mother, "Vonda," to freak out.

Vonda says she's not used to him being away from home. (My apartment is only a mile away.) She makes a big fuss about him not eating dinner with them or not calling to let her know his plans. She constantly tries to make us feel guilty about not spending more time with them. But at 23, neither David nor I think her requests are appropriate.

Two days ago Vonda e-mailed my parents and accused them of allowing me to do whatever I want. It's ridiculous, because I have lived on my own for three years and my parents have no part in this. It's almost like she doesn't take us seriously and that's why we're being treated like children.

The next few months are supposed to be for us to plan our wedding. I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't even want to be in the presence of David's parents now because of their lack of respect and civility. Must I tolerate his mother's behavior? Am I compelled to spend time in his parents' house? -- TURNED OFF IN TOLEDO

DEAR TURNED OFF: David's mother appears to be suffering from acute separation anxiety. Both of her adult sons still live under her roof and eat at her table. She looks at you -- an independent woman -- and sees a worldly rival "who's allowed to do whatever she wants," stealing her boy away.

David is long overdue for a serious talk with his parents. While, in a sense, he will always be "their little boy," he is a man now and will soon be striking out on his own. However, if he's not going to be home for dinner and plans to stay the night at your place, it would be considerate of him to let his parents know so they won't be concerned.

Must you tolerate Vonda's behavior? Yes, for the time being. Are you compelled to spend time with your future in-laws? You will if you're as smart as I think you are. There's much to be gained from strong family ties, if it's possible to maintain them. I have a hunch Vonda feels very isolated right now. A step in the right direction would be for you to ask her for some input on those wedding plans.

DEAR ABBY: When a person is asked what is wrong with him or her, are they obliged under the rules of good manners to give an unambiguous report of their illness, even if their malady is a result of AIDS, TB, VD, mental illness or any of the other diseases to which humankind is subjected?

My question stems from an intensive interrogation. Your response will be deeply appreciated. -- WONDERING IN RANCHO CUCAMONGA

DEAR WONDERING: Although the "interrogation" may have been out of concern for you and well-intentioned, you were under no social obligation to give a specific reply. If it happens again, smile and say, "If that were any of your business, you'd already know the answer."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I met the man of my dreams and was lucky enough to marry him. "Mike" is intelligent, caring, loving, witty, romantic and a great father. sEvery day he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful.

So what's the problem? Mike weighs 80 pounds more than he did when we met. I thank God for him every single day, but the "zing" is gone.

Don't get me wrong. We're still intimate, but I miss the "butterflies" I used to feel just looking at him. I am also worried about his health and the effect his eating habits have on our children. This has seriously damaged his self-esteem, too, and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

If life gets in the way, and intimacy goes by the wayside for a couple of weeks, Mike accuses me of purposely avoiding him, looking for someone new, never taking the initiative, etc. Abby, I love my husband. I've done everything I can to help him with his weight problem -- to no avail. In fact, if I mention it, he tells me saying something only makes it worse.

I take good care of my own health and try to teach the kids to do the sameVEN YEARS EA, even when they ask why Dad doesn't take care of his.

Am I being petty when I tell you I'd give anything to have my slimmer, sexier, healthier husband back? I miss his energy and confidence and the respect I had for him. Abby, are myou feelings valid? Or should I just get over it and be happy with all of his good qualities? -- FEELING WEIGHTED DOWN

DEAR WEIGHTED DOWN: You are not being petty. You are being human. Ask your husband to make an appointment with his doctor for a complete physical or make the call for him. The lecture about diet and health should come from the doctor. Your husband is not alone in his problem. It's one that is shared by millions of people in this country.

The solution lies in a willingness to make lifestyle changes. Since you are already providing healthy meals at home, please consider a physical activity you and your husband can enjoy together to help him burn those extra calories. (If he's reluctant, remind him that it will put him in better shape for lovemaking.) Reward any progress with compliments and praise. If all else fails, make sure his life insurance is up-to-date and enjoy him as long as you can. Nobody's perfect.

DEAR ABBY: In our office we often send cards and gifts as a group to anyone who has a birthday, new baby, etc. Usually everyone signs the cards. We are a big department, so there are a lot of names.

What is the etiquette on group sympathy cards? Should everyone sign it, or is that too flippant? Should it read, "Your friends in the department?"? -- CURIOUS ABOUT ETIQUETTE

DEAR CURIOUS: Either one is proper -- however, for reach person to sign it would be much warmer and more personal.

R DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married just over a year, and we are not ready to have children for another year or so.

How can I get the message across to well-meaning family and friends that it is none of their business when we are planning to have children? I have endured enough personal questions. I would love to hear your advice. Thanks -- NOT READY FOR CHILDREN

DEAR NOT READY: Here it is. Say with a smile, "Thank you for your interest, but we're waiting to see if the marriage works out."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Sheila," was recently married, and I was a bridesmaid.

About two months before the wedding, Sheila called to say that the junior bridesmaid dress she had selected for one of her attendants was too small –- size 8 for a girl who was size 12. Sheila asked if there was anything I could do to make the dress fit because it was too late to order another one.

After a lot of work and many long hours over a four-week period, I finished the alterations. Neither Sheila nor the junior bridesmaid paid me for the work, and I thought that was because I said I'd do it as a favor to Sheila.

A few days before the wedding, I was still deciding what to give her as a wedding gift, but everyone I asked said that altering the dress should be enough. Well, Sheila didn't see it that way. On her wedding night, she called me several times demanding a gift of money! She said I had been disrespectful by not giving her a gift. Even after her honeymoon, she called again to talk about the money.

Was I wrong not to give her a separate wedding gift?

FRIEND OF THE BRIDE ON LONG ISLAND

DEAR FRIEND: For a bride to demand a gift shows an appalling lack of manners. I think that spending an entire month trying to ensure that Sheila had the wedding of her dreams was gift enough. If you have an itch to do so, scratch Sheila off your list, because she is no friend.

DEAR ABBY: Last July you kindly printed a letter from Christopher Reeve, the vice chairman of the National Organization on Disability (N.O.D.), in which he called on the communities of this country to enter N.O.D.'s Accessible America Contest. The letter generated substantial interest and 64 entries were received. Each one documented impressive efforts that towns and cities around the United States are making to enable their communities to be more welcoming and accessible, so that citizens and visitors with disabilities can fully participate in community life.

In your response to Christopher, you said you would share the name of the winning community when it was announced. Phoenix is the winner of the 2003 Accessible America Contest, which includes a $25,000 prize underwritten by UPS. Phoenix joins Venice, Fla., and Irvine, Calif., the winners of the first two contests, as a model for other communities as they strive to be disability-friendly.

For further information about the contest, Phoenix's winning entry and N.O.D.'s Community Partnership Program, which provides guidance and assistance to towns and cities in their efforts to work with the disability community, readers can visit www.nod.org. -- BREWSTER THACKERY, DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, N.O.D.

DEAR BREWSTER: Thank you for the update. And congratulations to the forward-thinking city of Phoenix for winning the Accessible America competition. It demonstrates the city's commitment to execute the plans and devote the funds to assure that everyone can fully participate in the life of the community. That's time and money well spent.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)