DEAR ABBY: I have always believed my home and family are a reflection of me. My spotless home and my children defined me as a success. When an auto accident left me in traction and unable to leave my bed, I learned a new definition of success.

A special neighbor who had recently graduated from college was job-hunting without much luck. Every morning she would come over, get my kids ready for school and clean my house, while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.

The one thing I WAS able to do from my bed was talk to my children. I read to them every night at bedtime. For the first time, I listened to them without distraction. I heard them laugh. I held them when they cried. I didn't think about dirty dishes or laundry -- I just thought about THEM. In other words, I was a real mom for the first time in their lives.

When I was finally able to get out of bed and do things for myself, I wrote a long letter of gratitude to my neighbor and tucked it into her pocket as she left. Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door bright and early the next morning. Over coffee, she tearfully told me how much helping me had meant to her. She had been considering suicide because she didn't feel she had a purpose in life. Helping me gave her a purpose and snapped her out of her depression.

Abby, I have learned many things from this experience. I have learned that smiles on my children's faces are far more important than shiny floors and sparkling windows. I have also learned that giving help is as important as receiving it. My house may not be as clean as it was before, but my children will never have to compete with housework again. -- THANKFUL IN TEXAS

DEAR THANKFUL: Thank you for sharing the insight you have gained. It seems the auto accident was a life-changing experience, not only for you, but also for those around you. I agree, your house may not be as tidy as it was before your accident, but your priorities are now in order, and that's far more important.

DEAR ABBY: My dad died two years ago, leaving my mother alone after 49 years of a wonderful marriage. My sister and I helped Mom move into an assisted-living facility where she has adjusted as well as can be expected.

My dad worked hard, saved well, and left Mom with no financial concerns. Our dilemma is that Mom, a very trusting person, has now befriended a man who is a known con artist. This man has been in severe financial trouble for more than 20 years and has asked Mom for a large sum of money, which she agreed to give him. He also informed her that this sum of money may not be enough to resolve his problems.

Abby, this man has been caught in several lies, but Mom insists she's doing the right thing. We are certain he intends to drain Mom of 50 years of hard work and savings. How can we help her? We need to help her understand this man's true motives. We both love her dearly. -- WORRIED SICK IN ALABAMA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Warn your mother's attorney about what's going on, and if necessary, call the police. A con man who smells money has as much conscience as a shark who smells blood in the water, and it appears your mother is in over her head. Please don't wait.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Eventually we want to be married. Our relationship is great. We are committed to each other in every way. Of course, we have our disagreements, but neither of us has ever cheated.

I'm considering marriage now rather than later because I will be moving to Florida for school next fall, and he won't be coming with me right away.

Abby, is it silly to think about marriage as a way to ensure that the distance between us won't tear up apart? Or should I wait till I finish school? -- THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE

DEAR THINKING: Wait until you finish school. The college years represent a significant intellectual and emotional growth spurt for most people. There is the possibility that by the time you've graduated, you won't be the same person you are today –- and neither will he. Please don't be afraid of this. Growth is positive.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's niece is being married out of state. I know we will receive a family invitation that will include our two teenage daughters. Our older daughter has a previous commitment. Our younger daughter will know only seven relatives at the wedding (including my husband and me), so she asked if she can bring a friend.

My husband says we shouldn't take anyone else because it is a family invitation. He feels his family shouldn't waste their money paying for dinner for a stranger.

I think he is wrong. At many weddings, several invited guests don't attend.

I know it would be tacky to bring an extra person, but they are inviting four people and only four people would attend. My daughter could have company on the trip and a friend her own age at the wedding.

Please answer ASAP. The invitation will arrive soon. -- WAITING FOR AN ANSWER

DEAR WAITING: Your thinking is logical. However, to be absolutely certain that no one would be offended, ask the mother of the bride if your child's friend would be welcome.

DEAR ABBY: I just got off the phone with my 14-year-old niece, "Megan." What I found disturbing was the fact that she was home alone waiting for the tile man to come to the house. Her parents knew he was coming and had instructed her to stay home to let him in. Megan's dad suggested that she have a friend over while the tile man was working.

I feel this situation is potentially too dangerous for a girl Megan's age to handle. Am I right? -- CONCERNED IN NORTHBROOK, ILLINOIS

DEAR CONCERNED: Unless Megan's parents had used the tile man before and knew him to be trustworthy, I agree that your niece was placed in a vulnerable position. It shouldn't have happened.

While there may be safety in numbers, the girl's father had no guarantee that a friend would be available. Please share your concerns with Megan's parents if you haven't already done so.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Larry," and I have been together four years. Two years ago, his mother moved into the same apartment complex.

Every weekend, Larry's mother walks over to our apartment and bangs on the door. If we don't answer, she peeks in the windows. If she spots a light on in our apartment, she goes back to hers and starts calling nonstop.

We are trapped! Weekends are our quiet time, and Larry has asked his mother to call before coming over. She ignores his request.

I like to sleep late on Saturday and Sunday. I'm tempted to say something to her the next time she pounds on our door uninvited and wakes us, but I need to be sure she will listen and know I am serious. Any suggestions? -- TRAPPED IN MELBOURNE, FLA.

DEAR TRAPPED: Your boyfriend's mother has the hide of a rhino. She sees her son as an extension of herself, so according to her logic, why should she be shut out?

Your best bet would be to move to a security building where this woman will not have the kind of access to you that she does now. Make it "Larry's idea," because if his mother gets the impression that you're standing between her and her "cub," she'll try to devour you.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to take this opportunity to thank the unnamed heroes who provide hospice care. They are well aware that, in spite of the many gestures of compassion and the kindness they bestow, the patient to whom they have become attached is eventually going to die. Yet that never stops hospice workers from being there for their patients and their patients' families.

Hospice workers make sure the patient doesn't experience pain, is emotionally supported, and that the caregivers have time to run errands and take much-needed breaks.

When the patient passes away, it's the hospice workers who comfort family members and friends. My own family was blessed with three wonderful ladies and a priest who were there to the end for my grandmother. I will always be grateful for their emotional and spiritual support.

I hope my letter will encourage other families facing the terminal illness of a loved one to grant him or her quality of life by allowing that person to die with the dignity that hospice care provides. Sign me ... GRATEFUL IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR GRATEFUL: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved grandmother.

I have long been a supporter of hospice care. It provides physician services, nurses, home health aides, social workers, clergy, specially trained volunteers and bereavement counselors. As long as a patient is eligible, hospice is covered by Medicare, most private insurers and, in most states, Medicaid.

For more information about hospice care, contact one of your local hospice programs. You physician can refer you. In addition, call the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO) toll-free: (800) 658-8898, or visit the Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.nhpco.org" ��www.nhpco.org�, for information about and referrals to local hospice programs.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)