DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for three years. We moved in together eight months ago and have been talking about marriage as soon as we're financially stable.

Abby, we both have hot tempers. We don't get violent, but we flare up at the drop of a hat. We tend to take things personally and become defensive. When we fight, it's all-out war. Neither of us seems to be able to stop until it's too late, and by then, we have usually said hurtful things for which we're sorry.

How do people learn to fight fair and control their tempers? We love each other very much. -- HURT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HURT: Learning to "fight fair" is an acquired skill, and like any other skill it takes self-control and practice. When people disagree, it is helpful to stay on the subject when talking it out. That means refraining from dragging in baggage from previous arguments.

Another technique that can avert misunderstanding is to "mirror" what the other person has said. ("I heard you say you didn't like my outfit. Did you mean I'm getting fat?") In other words, the person might not have liked the color or style, but how will you know if you don't ask?

Another helpful technique is to ask yourself, before venting, "Is it true? Is it kind? It is hurtful? Is it helpful?" A trial lawyer once told me, "You can't unring the bell." This holds true in relationships as well as courtrooms.

I have published a booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," that readers have told me is helpful. It may be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a gospel minister, and members of the congregation are divided over whether to hold a baby shower for an unwed mother who is a member of the congregation. I have been told that it "is just not done." The expectant mother has made it right by repenting and asking for prayer.

Is there any rule of etiquette that prohibits having a baby shower for an unwed mother?

I want to help the young woman because the long road ahead will be difficult. But I also want to keep the congregation from dividing over the matter. -- MINISTER IN GEORGIA

DEAR MINISTER: There is no rule of etiquette that prohibits an unwed mother from being given a shower. And because of her unmarried status, she is going to need all the help she can get. Babies are expensive.

Since she repented, perhaps you should remind your flock of:

1. The Golden Rule. (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)

2. Judge not lest ye be judged. And ...

3. Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone.

Your work is cut out for you, because your congregation seems to have forgotten a principle of their religion: Love one another.

DEAR ABBY: For years now, my dad's health has slowly deteriorated. He has good days when he kind of knows what's going on, and bad days when his whole world is off balance. Recently he suffered some mini-strokes, and last September the doctor diagnosed him with Alzheimer's.

I was there when Dad was diagnosed. You could see the look of relief on his face to finally have a name for what was going on inside him. He told the doctor, "Well, at least now I know I'm not going crazy" because it was a medical condition he could comprehend.

The problem is his siblings. They get angry at Mom when she tells the doctor how Dad is at home and accuse her of exaggerating. They get upset with us for not letting Dad drive, even though he doesn't see well and has been known to get lost. They have even gone behind our backs and told Dad he does not have Alzheimer's, which only compounds the problem.

Some of Dad's siblings see him only once a week at church. They all insist he is "fine" and blame Mom for his lack of "spirit." One aunt, in particular, is cold and nasty toward Mom.

Poor Mom has a hard enough time being caregiver to a man who doesn't always recognize us and can't remember names. There are times when Dad runs to the neighbors saying, "People are in the house trying to steal things."

Mom, who has always been a strong woman, cries almost daily. She does not deserve nor need the aggravation that Dad's siblings are causing. She loves Dad and wants, as we do, only the best for him.

How can I handle this? Mom wanted to include Dad's family in what is going on with him, but all it's done is bring heartache and sadness. -- THEY'RE NOT HELPING

DEAR THEY'RE NOT HELPING: You and your mother have my deepest sympathy. Your father's siblings are in deep denial -- which is probably why they can't bring themselves to admit what is really happening. Their anger at your mother is part of their denial. They would rather believe that she is exaggerating than come to grips with the truth.

What your mother needs now is emotional support. I recommend that she contact the Alzheimer's Association ((800) 272-3900) for the location of the nearest support group. No caregiver should have to go through this experience alone -- and with their help, she won't.

P.S. Your father should not be out of the house unescorted, and he certainly does not belong behind the wheel of a car.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHOULD I JOIN FRIEND'S UNIQUE VENTURE?": There's an old saying, "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." Consider the risks carefully, consult a lawyer before agreeing, and get everything in writing.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in the fourth grade, and there are some mean people in my class. They're always making fun of this girl from China.

When I see them teasing her, I want to be nice to her -- but I'm afraid if I am nice to her, they will make fun of me.

I am one of the cool kids. Abby, please tell me if I should be her friend. -- TRYING TO BE NICE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TRYING: You are an intelligent, compassionate girl. The time to be a friend is when somebody needs one, and your classmate certainly needs one now. One effective way to defuse this kind of harassment is to speak up and say that YOU don't think what the bully is saying is funny.

Another way is to tell your parents, your teacher and the principal what is happening. That girl is being harassed because of her race -- and it is against the law for it to be ignored. So don't wait. Speak up now. I commend you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old divorced mother of two boys, ages 12 and 14. My boyfriend, "Nat," is divorced and has no children. We've been dating for three years. He is my best friend, and we get along great.

I am very much in love with Nat, but he says he will never marry again. I try dating other men, but they don't measure up to Nat. It seems Nat could get along fine without me in his life. I don't feel the same. Tell me, Abby, what's his problem? -- WAITING IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WAITING: Nat doesn't have a problem. You do. You have fallen in love with a man who has made it clear that he is unwilling to make a commitment to you and the boys. I give him credit for being honest with you.

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker's 20-year-old son recently committed suicide. His mother was a single parent and the young man had long-standing emotional problems.

We are a department of about 20, and all her co-workers felt heartsick for her. All of us contributed toward the funeral spray.

When the funeral arrangements were finalized, the information was e-mailed to only about half of us. The rest -- including me -- were not invited. On the day of the funeral, the "invitees" came to work dressed in dark suits. It was very awkward.

While it is true that a grieving mother is justified in doing whatever makes her comfortable, I feel my feelings were not considered at all. I am deeply hurt that my gesture of sympathy was unappreciated. -- SLIGHTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SLIGHTED: Get over it. Your co-worker lost her child. You seem to feel that because you weren't invited to the funeral you somehow lost face. A funeral is not a party. It's also not a social gathering. Your grieving co-worker wanted those people to whom she felt closest around her when she buried her son. She does not deserve to be criticized for it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "FEELING REVENGEFUL IN CLEVELAND": In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)