DEAR ABBY: I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. Mother left home when I was 11. When I was in my early 20s, I was attacked and raped by a stranger. I have been through many abusive relationships and several failed marriages. My last two boyfriends were sexually abusive. Now I'm afraid of men, and especially afraid of sex.

About a month ago, I met a man who seemed nice. He gave me his number. A week later when I lost my job, I called him to see if he knew of any openings. He invited me over to look at my resume, and I went.

We began a deep friendship. I told him things about my past that gave me low self-esteem. He told me he had studied counseling and asked if he could work with me. I agreed.

His help has brought back many painful memories, and we are dealing with them together. He says things to improve my self-esteem. He believes in me and wants me to have a better future. He even hinted he'd like to be part of that future. His tenderness is incredible, and I find myself melting into his arms.

Now for the bad part: He told me that he spent 25 years in prison. Although he is no longer the same person who committed those crimes, he was incarcerated once for rape and two years later for sexual assault. He now has erectile dysfunction, so I know he couldn't do it again, even if he wanted to.

I am starting to care for him a lot, but at the same time I'm scared of him. I don't believe he would ever harm me, but ever since he told me the truth, I've been having nightmares about someone chasing me and trying to hurt me.

Should I stop seeing him? He does everything he can to reassure me that he won't hurt me, and I want to believe him. Please help. -- SCARED IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED: Your subconscious may be warning you. A synonym for "chased" is "pursued," and in a sense, this man is pursuing you. He is not a licensed therapist. He is a serial perpetrator of sex crimes. Sexual assaults are sometimes less about sex than they are about control. In other words, rape is not always physical; it can also be emotional.

Although you may be infatuated, you have only known this man for a month. That's not long enough to make rational judgments. You may have placed yourself in the hands of a skilled manipulator as well as a sexual deviate. Do NOT allow an amateur to doodle with the strudel in your noodle. If you want to conquer your problems, consult a qualified, licensed therapist.

P.S. Did he help you find a job, or were you lured to his dwelling to be seduced? Only you can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin, "Debbie," will be married next October. We have never been close. She was supposed to be in my wedding, but she never showed up for the fitting, so I replaced her with a friend.

My dilemma: She told me my husband is not invited to her wedding because the dinner is $100 a plate and no spouses or boyfriends are allowed.

What do you think I should do? -- INSULTED IN OHIO

DEAR INSULTED: Politely inform cousin Debbie that you will be unable to attend her wedding, and send a small token gift instead. She is obviously ignorant of the fact that a married couple, unlike boyfriends and girlfriends, are officially one unit, and that it is a breach of etiquette to invite one and exclude the other.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered I am a lesbian. Unfortunately, I am already pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. We were both drunk when this happened, and it was a horrible mistake. My parents nearly disowned me when they realized I was going to have a child. (We are devout Christians.)

I don't know how they'll react when I tell them I am a lesbian. Abby, I am afraid to tell them and don't know how. Please help me find a way. -- TEENAGE LESBIAN IN COLORADO

DEAR TEEN: Stop dwelling on yourself for a moment. Although the teen years are supposed to be a time of self-discovery, it's time you got off the fast track for a while. Your parents are shell-shocked enough as it is, and you have serious responsibilities ahead. After your baby arrives, my intuition tells me you'll be too busy for much of a sex life (homosexual or heterosexual).

Once your family has stabilized again, there is still time to come out to your family. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) can provide you with literature that will make it easier to talk to them. P-FLAG can also offer the emotional support they will need. The address is: 1726 M St. NW, Suite 400, Washington, D.C., 20036. The Web site is www.pflag.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious anger problem. When my fiance and I first met, it was love at first sight. But after six months, everything he does seems to tick me off.

In the beginning, I didn't show him my ugly side. I didn't want to scare him off. Then he said he wanted me to be more open, so I let it all out. Now I'm letting it out every single day. I get mad when he does or says the same things I do or say to him, and I'll isolate myself or give him the silent treatment.

I think I have a serious mental and/or anger problem, but I don't know where it comes from. Everybody thinks I'm crazy. They say, "I don't know when you're happy or mad because you have the same expression."

Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm not happy because I haven't accomplished anything in my life. (I am only 22.) Please help me. -- LASHING OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LASHING OUT: You are only 22. It's too early to declare yourself a failure. However, it is difficult to be loving to others if you don't like yourself.

Before you and your fiance go any further, you must get to the root of what is really bothering you. A call to your local department of social services or mental health association will help you locate a counselor you can afford. A course in anger management would also be helpful for both of you. Please don't wait. You have a right to be happy.

DEAR ABBY: Please inform your readers that if their child is enlisting in the armed services or plans to go overseas, the parents should also get passports.

Our son left to serve in Iraq. He is now in Germany for medical reasons, and we cannot get to him.

Passports take six weeks to process. They can be expedited for a hefty fee, but they still take two weeks to arrive. -- LEARNED LATE IN WEST LAFAYETTE, OHIO

DEAR LEARNED: That's a helpful suggestion, and I'll pass it along.

P.S. Your son is in my prayers. Please let me know how he's doing.

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DEAR ABBY: I met my boyfriend, "Ray," three years ago. We have a great relationship. We are best friends and lovers. He wants us to marry and start a family soon.

My problem is I find myself lusting after Ray's brother, "Tim." Ray introduced me to Tim about six months after we met. Ever since, I have asked myself, "Have I picked the right brother?" I stuck with Ray because I felt morally obligated.

Tim has tried to express his feelings to me and pursue things, but I ignore him or change the subject. It's not because I want to, but I feel it wouldn't be right.

I am strongly attracted to Tim. I know it's wrong, but he's all I can think about. Please help. -- LOST IN LUST

DEAR LOST: Since your infatuation with Tim has lasted 2 1/2 years, it's safe to say that it's not a passing fancy. In fairness to all concerned, it's time to tell Ray that you are better friends than lovers and break off the relationship. He deserves a wife who is sure he's Mr. Right -- not Mr. Right's brother.

Once you are a free woman, for the sake of family harmony, you and Tim should refrain from starting a relationship for at least six months –- or until Ray finds another love interest. It's important that you be patient. If you jump the gun, it could cause a permanent rift in the family.

DEAR ABBY: I am an "A" student in high school and an amateur figure skater. My problem is I can't live up to my mother's standards.

When I spend all day on a school project so I can get as high a grade as possible, she yells at me for not helping her around the house and claims she could've done the same project in an hour. If I get even three points off on a school exam, she gets angry and says that I made stupid mistakes and would've gotten a perfect score if I'd studied harder. If I mop the floor, she'll yell if even the tiniest speck of dirt remains. If I polish the railing, she yells that I should do something else because the railing didn't need it. If I show her what I'm sketching for art class, she belittles it. You get the picture.

I've tried to talk to her and to walk away from fights, but she'll yell from the other end of the house or come to my bedroom door and berate me. I want a loving relationship with my mom. I've tried everything I can think of because I'm so tired of the fighting. What's your advice? -- TIRED OF FIGHTING IN LAWRENCE, N.Y.

DEAR TIRED OF FIGHTING: You are describing verbal abuse. It's possible that your mother is experiencing pressures or problems of her own and is venting on you because you are handy. Is your father in the picture? If he is, what does he think about this?

If you are being raised by a single parent, confide what's going on to your father or a close adult relative who can intercede on your behalf.

If this is new behavior, she should be evaluated by her doctor. If it is not, perhaps you should be living with your father or another relative.

A constant barrage of criticism from a parent who is impossible to please can cause lasting damage. If there is no relative in whom to confide, talk to a trusted teacher or the parent of a close friend. I wish you luck and success.

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