DEAR ABBY: My son, "Drew," is almost 19. My problem is I found sex toys under his bed. He has had a steady girlfriend, "Lindy, for a year. I have questioned them about their closeness. He says they've "fooled around" a little, but Lindy wants to wait until marriage for sex. I told Drew when he first started seeing Lindy to take it slow and not to pressure her.

My son and Lindy spend a lot of time alone together, and I worry about what might happen. Now, having found these "toys," I'm confused.

I threw them away and left him a note where he'd hidden the toys, saying that these things are unnecessary, especially for an 18-year-old -- and besides, they aren't the real thing. There were toys for both sexes, so that leads me to believe that Lindy may use them also. (They looked quite new.)

I want to believe that if they aren't sexually active, Drew feels these are necessary. I know all teenagers are curious, but I didn't think the curiosity would advance past men's magazines.

Was I wrong for being upset and throwing his toys away? Should I try to talk to him about this, or should I have his father talk to him? (I am the parent with the discipline and responsibility. My husband just lets everything go.) -- CONFUSED MOTHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED MOTHER: Earth to Mother! Children become interested in and curious about sex even before puberty. A few decades ago, puberty would occur around ages 13 or 14, but in recent years children as young as 10 or 11 are becoming sexually mature.

Your son is no longer a child. You should not have thrown his property away without first discussing the matter with him. As for your "talking to him about this," I think you have already done enough. However, it's time your husband had a serious man-to-man talk with him.

Whether or not Drew and his girlfriend are having sex now, they are having a sexual relationship. Once things are hot and heavy enough to involve sex toys, the real thing is sure to follow.

So please take your head out of the sand and make absolutely certain that your son AND his girlfriend know the importance of birth control -- and how to use it. Do not procrastinate, or before you know it, someone could be calling you Granny.

DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and live at home with my parents. My boyfriend is 24, and also lives at home.

His mother has given him a cruise for his birthday, and he would like to take me. However, my parents don't believe in premarital sex and have already told me I cannot go away with him -- that only as a married couple can we travel together alone.

I do not want to miss this trip. I would love to spend this kind of time with my boyfriend. I love him very much, but my parents limit our time together. Is there a way to get around this? -- RESTRICTED IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.

DEAR RESTRICTED: Yes. Invite a chaperone or get married.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Loving Grandma in Omaha" was unsure whether it was OK to still hold her 11-year-old grandson on her lap.

Her letter reminded me of the time my 10-year-old nephew and my mother and I were at a restaurant. (Mom had helped to raise him as a baby.)

Toward the end of dinner my nephew went to sit on my mother's lap. I asked him, "What happens when you're too big for Grandma to hold anymore?" Without blinking, he replied, "Then I'LL hold HER." I had tears in my eyes the rest of the evening. -- KATHLEEN C., COMMACK, N.Y.

DEAR KATHLEEN: Smart child. That is what I used to do with my mother. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was close to my maternal grandmother. Some mornings she would call my mother at 7 a.m. and tell her to take my temperature because I was sick. (She was ALWAYS right!) After I was 10 or so, I grew too big for her to hold, so I'd lie on the couch and put my head in her lap and she'd rub my neck and head.

She died just before my 13th birthday. I was in school, but I "knew" it had happened before I was told.

She had a wonderful Yiddish saying: "Tsuris (trouble) is what you get from children. Naches (joy) is what you get from grandchildren!" -- SENTIMENTAL IN NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y.

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: There's truth in those old Yiddish sayings. Here's another: "When a man who has been previously married marries a woman who has been previously married, FOUR people go to bed." But I digress. Back to the subject:

DEAR ABBY: I rocked my son when he was a baby. When he was 6 or 7, he began having minor problems at school. His teacher suggested that I start rocking him again. I did, and within a few days, his teacher began commenting on how much better behaved he was.

I did not rock my son to sleep. We used the time to talk. He would confide his fears, little hurts, good things that happened -- things we would never otherwise have shared. I continued to rock him until he was nearly bigger than I was. It was one of the best things I ever did.

Today he's in college, and a very personable young man. -- PROUD MOM, CEDAR HILL, TEXAS

DEAR PROUD MOM: And I'm sure your wonderful relationship continues.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 32, and I still lie on the couch and put my head in my grandmother's lap. My sister is 28, a sergeant first class in the Army, and she still climbs into bed with Mom to talk. Some of my most precious memories are tied to those moments. Please tell "Loving Grandma" to continue rocking her grandson. As my mom is so fond of saying, "You cannot spoil a child by loving him." -- STILL CUDDLING, DAVENPORT, IOWA

DEAR STILL CUDDLING: Your mother is right.

DEAR ABBY: Grandchildren are never too old to be held and shown affection. I would give anything to feel my grandmother's arms around me just once more.

It has been four years since her passing. I still have days when the pain hits like it did when I first lost her, but I get through it knowing she is always with me. Sometimes, when I need her most, I still feel her arms around me. -- STILL MISSING GRANDMA IN N.C.

DEAR STILL: You have said it well. The people we love always remain in our hearts. The memory of their love and wisdom is their most important legacy.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with "Joyce and Dave" for many years. Our children are the same ages and go to school together. We have always enjoyed each other's company.

I find myself increasingly attracted to Dave, and I think the feeling is mutual. I have great strength of character, as I believe Dave does, but spending time with Joyce and him is becoming difficult.

Dave and I do not speak to each other in any way other than with respect and humor -- but there's an underlying sexual tension I can't ignore.

I don't want to spoil our families' shared times together, but I feel I am playing with fire. What should I do? -- CARLA IN PHOENIX

DEAR CARLA: People who play with fire usually get burned. It's time to take an honest look at your marriage and figure out what is missing. It's also time to enlarge your circle of friends and cut back on the time you have available for Joyce and Dave. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I identified with the letter from "Private Guy in San Jose," whose in-laws come for month-long visits twice a year. My mother-in-law used to visit for six weeks or more several times a year, with no date set for her return home 3,000 miles away. I told my husband I could handle her visits better if there were a return date to which I could look forward, but it never happened.

After years of frustration, I finally decided to create my own "escape" date. Six weeks was my limit. After that, I'd leave to visit my parents, thus letting my husband entertain his mother by himself.

It was amazing the speed with which my husband put his mother on a plane home!

Perhaps "Private Guy" could arrange a "business trip" or a visit to his own relatives after two weeks of hosting his in-laws. -- PROBLEM SOLVED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROBLEM SOLVED: That's certainly better than sitting home feeling infringed upon and allowing resentment to build. Even the freshest fish can turn foul if it is kept beyond the expiration date. Thank you for the helpful suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Steve" for six years. Three years ago, Steve promised me an engagement ring. I am still waiting for it.

I graduate from college in May and I plan to move to the city where Steve lives. Steve says we can't live together, though, because his parents won't allow that unless we're married. But, Abby, we're both 26!

Steve claims he's saving money for a ring, but last summer he managed to spend nearly $2,000 on vacation trips and sheets for his bed.

I can't wait forever. How long is too long? -- WAITING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WAITING: THIS is too long. If Steve was on the level, he would have postponed the trips, passed up the sheets and celebrated your engagement by now. He isn't ready for marriage. Since you are, I'd say it's time to move on.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)