DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral.

I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: Under no circumstances should you give in to your son's emotional blackmail, particularly since you cannot afford it. If you do, it will be only the beginning of what he will demand from you. And if you try to refuse, the scenario will repeat itself.

Continue to send your grandchildren birthday and holiday greetings, and let's hope your son grows up before they do.

DEAR ABBY: There is a subject in my house that's causing conflict: school sports. Neither of my children is interested in playing. They do well academically. They take advanced classes and music, as well as dance and gymnastics outside of school.

My husband insists they participate in a school sport. He says they'll never be accepted into college without a school sport, and if they are, they won't be eligible for a scholarship. Is this true? -- WONDERING ABOUT SCHOOL SPORTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: No, it's not. I posed your question to Hanan Eisenman, media coordinator of admissions at the University of California. He says the University of California does not require high school athletics for eligibility. Eligibility for admission is based on grades from college preparatory courses and on scores on the appropriate admissions tests.

Like most selective colleges, the university also looks for talent and leadership in a broad range of areas, only one of which is sports. The vast majority of scholarships are based on qualifications such as academics and financial need, not high school sports. By far the most important criterion for admission for virtually all colleges and universities is academic achievement.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend, "David," for a year. He moved in with me four months ago. We generally get along great, even though he hasn't given me his share of the rent since his hours were cut at work. Frankly, it feels like we are more like roommates or friends than lovers, but I was sure I would never meet anyone who could compare.

Last weekend I was out of town, a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. David was unable to attend, so she matched me up with a groomsman I'll call Chad. Well, the chemistry between us was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.

Chad and I can't ignore the connection we made. He has invited me to visit him. I don't know what to do. I am having serious doubts about my relationship with David. Should I give Chad a chance? -- BRIDESMAID IN WAITING IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR BRIDESMAID: Absolutely! But before your relationship with Chad goes any further, you must level with David. Remember, honesty is the best policy -- and in the long run it is better for all concerned.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in my first year of high school. Two years ago, this 18-year-old guy, "John," touched me on a private area of my body. I told my mom. She didn't believe me, so she asked John if it was true. He denied it, and she accused me of being a liar.

My problem is, I am supposed to have a physical examination in a few weeks. My mom says the doctor will examine me in the place that John touched me. Even though my doctor is a woman, I don't want to go through with that part of the physical. My mom doesn't understand. Abby, please help me. How can I get out of it? -- SCARED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SCARED: A pelvic examination is not part of a routine physical. But since you have concerns about this, discuss them with the doctor when you see her.

That your mother refused to believe you when you reported to her that you had been taken advantage of by John is appalling; that she'd take his word above yours is worse. I hope when you talk to the doctor you'll share with her what happened to you and get the support you deserve. John should be reported. Since he has gotten away with it with you, he could easily assault another child.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be rude for my husband and me to contact our relatives before the Christmas holidays begin and politely ask them not to buy anything for us? We have relatives, with whom we are not close, who always give us gifts when we see them at Christmastime. Our finances are limited, but we feel obligated to reciprocate. How should we handle this? -- NO THANKS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR NO THANKS: Yours is a question I am asked repeatedly at holiday time. Write a brief letter to your relatives explaining the circumstances. Tell them your affection for them has not waned but that your finances have; therefore you would feel more comfortable not exchanging gifts this year.

Keep in mind that the most important "gift" is the fact that you are all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Not all families are so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Afraid in the Broken Heartland." Your warning signs of an abuser caught my eye. I recognized my husband in 11 out of the 15 you listed. I had put off leaving him out of fear for myself and our beautiful 3-year-old daughter. However, when I read that 65 percent of abusers who beat their wives go on to abuse their children, I decided I could not allow this to happen to my little girl.

I moved out and I have seen a lawyer. We will soon be free from my abusive husband and will no longer live in fear.

Thank you, Abby. Please continue to put the warning signs in your column. I pray they will help others to face the truth as they helped me. -- NO LONGER A VICTIM

DEAR NO LONGER A VICTIM: So do I, because some of the saddest letters I have received have come from grieving family members who wrote: "I only wish my daughter (or sister) had seen those warning signs before her husband killed her." I am not implying that women cannot also be abusers, because some women are. And abuse also happens between same-sex couples, I'm sad to say.

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Sean," is only 13, but he will be attending his best friend's funeral. "Frank" died by his own hand. Apparently he had told many of his friends that he was going to kill himself, but no one took him seriously.

I am writing in the hope that my letter will alert children and adults that children and adolescents sometimes mean it when they threaten suicide. I pray parents will instruct their children to ALWAYS tell an adult if one of their friends talks about suicide. I have done that now, but unfortunately it is too late to help Frank. -- GRIEF-STRICKEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: Please extend my deepest sympathy to the parents of your son's friend. And thank you for giving me the chance to point out that threats of suicide, and repeated comments about suicide, can be symptoms of serious illness and should be taken seriously. Many young people are reluctant to "rat" on their friends, but when it comes to talk of suicide, experts say that keeping a secret can result in losing a friend. Skilled professional help is needed for intervention.

Professional counseling should also be made available to the survivors of the suicide -- and that includes family members and friends -- to help them cope with their own feelings of guilt and depression.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I retired from my teaching job so I could travel with my husband, "Bill," on his international business trips. At the time, Bill earned a very high salary. Since then, Bill has been laid off and has taken an early retirement. He now putters around the house, painting the shutters, working in the yard and thoroughly enjoying himself.

This is not the life I expected, and I am becoming increasingly depressed. I was never much of a housewife and wouldn't have left my job had I known this would be the outcome. I have a part-time job in a dress shop, but it's hardly a challenging career. I want to travel. I want to have fun.

We have a net worth in excess of $1 million, but Bill has always been concerned about our finances and wants to manage them so that we can set up college funds for our grandchildren, leave a substantial amount to our children, and budget $7,500 a year for vacations, including trips to visit family. This doesn't leave much.

If I tell my husband how I feel it will hurt him terribly. What should I do? -- RELUCTANTLY RETIRED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR RETIRED: Before you become more depressed, have a frank talk with your husband. Explain that you were not prepared for his early retirement. It may be time for you to return to teaching on a part-time basis or to find another job that will enable you to earn the kind of money you need to travel more extensively. If your husband doesn't want to go, there are travel clubs and tours for "singles."

You and Bill also need to reach a meeting of the minds about how money should be allocated. If you can't manage to agree, then the two of you should seek professional counseling. Please, don't put it off. Disagreements about money have destroyed marriages.

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