DEAR ABBY: I am a schoolteacher. Last year I had a brief affair with a much older, married man. He was the principal of my school. I was deeply in love with him and ready to leave my husband to be with him. However, I got cold feet and chose to stay in my marriage, although it had been less than perfect for years.

I confessed everything to my husband, and then told the principal my decision. I haven't seen him since.

I feel an overpowering need to apologize to my lover for what I did to him. You see, I lied and led my husband and the school board to believe that I had been taken advantage of. I called him a "sexual predator" who had forced me into the affair, and he was forced to resign from the school.

Abby, he did not take advantage of me. I knew exactly what I was doing. In fact, I still have strong feelings for him.

Please tell me what I can do to set the record straight and find peace. -- REMORSEFUL IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR REMORSEFUL: It won't be easy. Begin by telling your husband the truth. Next, write a letter to the school board and tell them exactly what you have told me. That will "set the record straight." Your clergyperson will have to help you find peace, because you have a lot to atone for. Please don't wait.

Remember, the longest journey starts with a single step.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old, stay-at-home mom with two beautiful little girls. My youngest daughter, "Tanya," is 5 and suffers from seizures and mental problems. I feel I'm not a good mother because her condition consumes me and all I ever do is cry. I told my husband, "Steve," that I would like to look into putting Tanya in a group home, but he adamantly refuses. Steve says we will separate before that happens.

I love my husband and my child, but I feel I'm going crazy. I have no life. We've spoken to professionals; nothing they suggested is helpful. Steve's mother promised to help, but she makes excuses as to why she can't watch Tanya. I'm out of ideas. What should I do? I have to save my sanity. -- ALONE AND CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR ALONE AND CONFUSED: It appears you are shouldering all the responsibility for Tanya. However, you also have your older child to consider. If you are a basket case, you will be unable to parent either child properly.

It's time to talk to Tanya's doctor about what options are available -- respite care to take some of the strain off you, or a group home for your child. Do not give in to your husband's blackmail. He can't care for her by himself, and his mother has already proven she won't step in. Please take care of yourself. By doing so, you'll be doing the right thing for both your daughters.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. We have seen both good and hard times during our 30 years together. My problem is our sex life died about two years ago.

I love my wife dearly. I don't want to hurt her, but I still have physical needs despite having had a stroke, a heart attack, four bypasses and arthritis. I have also been disabled since 1988 due to a back injury.

Abby, what can I do? My wife knows how strong my sex drive is, but she will no longer try anything sexual. Please help. -- STILL SLEEPING (ONLY) IN THE SAME BED

DEAR STILL SLEEPING: Have a frank talk with your wife. She may be afraid that sex could endanger your health. If that's the case, have your doctor reassure her it is safe. If that's not the problem, she should have her hormone levels checked.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. My mom recently split up with her second husband. He was very controlling and abusive. Afterward, she promised me she would not get into any more relationships with men for a while. I was glad because I really need her attention right now -- and so do my younger sisters. (Our stepfather never allowed her to be alone with us.)

Our problem is, one month later mom broke her promise and started seeing another man. My sisters and I don't like him because he is an alcoholic, with no job, and he's making our mother more depressed than she was. When he gets drunk, he flips out and threatens suicide. I don't think this is healthy for my mom, and it saddens me to see her in another messed-up relationship.

I have tried talking to her about this, but she gets mad and says I don't want her to be happy. I just want what is best for her. Am I being selfish or are my feelings right? Can you please talk to her? -- MARIE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MARIE: Sometimes the young people who write to me have a clearer vision of what's going on than the adults in their lives. You appear to be one of them.

You didn't mention whether your father is part of your lives, or if you have any aunts, uncles or grandparents to whom you can confide.

Your mother appears to be desperate for a man in her life. She is not thinking clearly, which is why she's not getting your important message. She needs to hear it from another adult, so bring this problem to the attention of a trusted relative, teacher, school nurse, clergyperson or the parent of a friend. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: "Adam," the boy I went to the prom with last spring, had a serious car accident just before summer vacation. He had multiple injuries and some brain damage. Miraculously, he has almost fully recovered. I visited Adam many times while he was in the hospital and in rehab. I wanted to "be there" for him and his family.

My problem is, now that he is better, he wants to pick up where we left off and continue our romantic relationship. But I don't feel the same about him. It has nothing to do with his accident; it's just that I met a great guy this summer and he is now my boyfriend.

The other day, Adam told me he can't stop thinking about me, and when he does it makes him feel good. How do I tell him that we are no longer a couple without making him dejected? He is already pessimistic and could get depressed. I would like him just to be a friend. -- CAN'T GO ON LEADING HIM ON

DEAR CAN'T GO ON: Tell Adam the truth before he hears it from someone else. Make it plain that you care about his welfare and want to remain friends -- as your behavior has demonstrated -- but that you are now romantically involved with someone else.

Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty about it. You were there for Adam when he needed you most -- and you were only dating. Neither of you had made a lifetime commitment.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old guy a year out of college. For a while, I had a job in my field, but it didn't hold my interest. Management picked up on it. They let me go before my six-month probation period was over.

Now I'm stuck living at home collecting unemployment. I don't have any idea what I want to do with my life. My days are spent watching TV, puttering around on the computer and playing video games. My parents are nagging me to get another job and treating me like a second-class citizen because I don't have one.

I'm clear on the things I like and don't like, but nobody's going to pay me to watch TV for a living. I know I'd like to get married and have a family, but in terms of a career, I don't have a clue. I envy people who have their whole lives planned and stick to it.

Every time my mother makes a suggestion, I tell her she's way off. She complains I have no ambition, and she's right. I'm a tad lazy. All I care about is what's happening on "Friends" and what my friends and I are doing for fun on the weekend.

According to statistics, it takes six to nine months for someone to find another job, but I don't know how or where to begin. Meanwhile, my bills are piling up, and I'm supposed to be paying rent to my parents. I also have a student loan hanging over my head like a hatchet. Abby, please help me get outta here! -- DOWN ON MY LIFE IN EDMONTON, ALBERTA

DEAR DOWN: A logical first step would be for you to go back to the college from which you graduated and consult its career counseling services. You will be tested to see where your talents and training lie. Somewhere along the line, you lost your direction and self-confidence. You should also be evaluated by your doctor for ADHD and depression.

You are obviously a bright young man. There is more to life than parties and television. Please take the necessary steps to get on with your life. You have much to offer.

DEAR ABBY: I am 34 years old, married for three years. My husband does not work. He gets a disability check but doesn't help with the bills or anything around the house. He claims he's looking for a job.

I recently told him about a job opportunity, and he asked me if I would forward his resume. I did. The next day, he told me he wasn't interested in the job because it was a graveyard shift.

I thought a graveyard shift was better than no shift at all. I am struggling to make ends meet, and he is still making no effort to help. I told him almost a year ago that he would have to move out. Well, he is still here.

I want to move on with my life, but I'm afraid to take the next step. Please give me some advice. I am very confused. -- STRUGGLING IN MARYLAND

DEAR STRUGGLING: It appears your husband is shiftless in more ways than one. If the present situation continues, you will crack under the stress. If he were looking for employment but unable to find it, I'd advise you to be patient and have your husband screened for depression. However, since he has you carrying the entire load and shows no signs of assuming his share of the responsibilities, my advice is to contact a lawyer. That may be the wake-up call your husband needs.

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