DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Michael," is a freshman in college in New York. He is also on the football team. My wife and I traveled from Boston to see Michael's first game of the season. When we arrived, we were joined by his girlfriend, "Liz," a high school junior from our hometown, and her parents.

They stayed the entire weekend and acted like they were part of the family. Liz's dad was giving Michael "fatherly advice" and telling him they were coming back to see more games this fall. They even discussed plans for Christmas vacation. My wife and I had only about one hour alone with our son the whole time we were there.

Liz's parents were high school sweethearts and they seem to think the kids will be, too. We hinted to them that we think they are sexually active, but they insist that Liz is a virgin.

We would like Michael to enjoy his college experience with students his age on campus. We don't appreciate Liz's visits. We would like to say something about this to her parents, but we don't want to alienate Michael. What can we do? -- PARENTS WITH UNWANTED VISITORS

DEAR PARENTS: Forget about talking to the parents. Have a serious talk with your son. Make absolutely certain that he recognizes the importance of birth control, as well as the necessity of finishing his education before he assumes the responsibilities of marriage. Encourage him to get involved with campus activities and meet new people. Then tell him you think Liz is a "sweetheart," but the romance is progressing at a faster pace than you're comfortable with, and that you'd like to spend more time alone with him. Be careful not to say anything negative to your son about Liz or her parents, or you could cause a backlash.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11. My parents are divorced. When I visit my dad's house, he always takes his telephone calls outside. I'm not allowed to answer the phone or be in the same room when he checks his e-mail. I love my father, but I'm scared to talk to him about this because he has a temper.

What do you think is going on? -- CONFUSED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONFUSED: It's sad that you are so intimidated by your father that you are afraid to talk to him. Since I don't know him, I cannot say for sure what's going on. However, let me say this: Sometimes when a person keeps something a "secret," it can make it appear more mysterious than it actually is. The subject applies to a lot of parents, so clip this column and hand it to your father. He needs to see it. Perhaps it will help to bridge the communication gap.

DEAR ABBY: I am grieving. My beloved shih tzu, Pretzel, died unexpectedly last Thursday. She was with me for nine wonderful years. I am so grief-stricken I can barely function. I have no children, and Pretzel meant the world to me.

My problem is well-meaning family members and friends who are pressuring me to get another dog. My Pretzel has not been gone for a week, and these people keep asking me for details about her death and saying, "When will you get another one?"

How can I get them to let me grieve in peace? -- HURTING IN L.A.

DEAR HURTING: Tell your friends and family you know they mean well, but it's too soon to discuss the details or consider getting another dog. They need to be reminded that dogs, like people, have special qualities and personalities that make them unique. They are not interchangeable, any more than people are.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding "Sad Mom in Michigan," who ignored her daughter's second thoughts about getting married and rushed her to the altar because the wedding was already paid for. Many pastors, myself included, can add her letter to our collection of wedding horror stories. Families often spend thousands of dollars to show off in a one-hour ceremony instead of investing time in talking to their kids about commitment. I have seen brides blackmailed into doing what the parents wanted because "we're paying for it."

A wedding should be an occasion of joy as a couple begins a new life together, not a nerve-wracking, bankrupting extravaganza that everyone would like to forget. Parents who want a circus shouldn't turn their kids into clowns in order to live out their own fantasies.

If a child expresses doubts before a wedding, that is the time to back up, take a breath and reconsider, no matter what has been paid. Divorce is more expensive than any wedding. -- PASTOR IN DALLAS

DEAR PASTOR: And in more ways than one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Sad Mom," who gave her 27-year-old daughter the wrong advice about going through with her marriage? As a pastor, I take marriage seriously. When a couple asks me to perform their ceremony, I make it clear I believe that marriage is for life.

Each time I meet with a couple, I ask if they still want to go through with the ceremony, and I tell them that if there is any doubt at all, we can "postpone" it. I would rather have them call it off now than one year, 10 years or even 50 years down the road.

I also inform the couple that on the day of the ceremony I will ask if they want to go through with it, and if for any reason they wish to call it off, it is perfectly OK. It is their future, not the future of their parents or friends.

God bless! -- TERRY JOHNSON, PASTOR, CALVARY CHAPEL, WESTWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR PASTOR JOHNSON: You are a wise pastor. Unless both parties are convinced beyond a doubt they're doing the right thing, they shouldn't do it. A 10-minute "mistake" can lead to a lifetime of misery. Do the math!

DEAR ABBY: One of my employees is applying to get her MBA and has asked me to write a letter of recommendation for graduate school. Her performance at work has been acceptable but not outstanding, and I don't feel comfortable writing a "glowing" letter about her.

I know how important recommendations are, and I don't want to hurt her chances of pursuing her dream. How can I tactfully decline? -- HONEST BOSS IN COLORADO

DEAR HONEST BOSS: Invite the employee into your office. Praise her for her fine qualities and tell her where there is room for improvement. Say that you honestly cannot write a "glowing" recommendation and must decline because you don't want to spoil her chances of being accepted. It's the kindest way to handle a potentially ego-damaging situation.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you ask readers to share their pet peeves. I hope you will allow me to air mine. I am a family therapist.

What makes me want to hit my head against the wall when I go home some nights is parents who would rather bail their child out of trouble than put in the time in advance to assure that the child gets the help he or she needs. I see it happen repeatedly.

You seem to have an answer for everything. What do these parents think will happen when the "child" reaches middle age and there are no more excuses left? I challenge you to answer that one. -- BURNED OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS

DEAR BURNED OUT: There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Some parents tolerate their children's repeated misbehavior because they refuse to admit that their child could be flawed. Others are so involved in their own lives that they would rather throw money at a problem than make tougher, more demanding choices. The outcome is predictable, but they're not thinking ahead.

Which brings me back to you: If you are truly ready to "hit your head against a wall" at the end of your workday, please consider this: Sometimes it TAKES a therapist to HELP a therapist. Find one before you truly burn out. To paraphrase a pearl of wisdom attributed to Henry Kissinger: "A problem ignored is a crisis invited."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Charlie" for a year. We are going to move in together at the end of the month. Charlie is thoughtful and sweet, and for the first time in my life, I feel I can be totally myself around a man.

Last night, I had my feet propped up on his book bag and the bag fell open. I looked down and saw a pair of black women's panties in the style that he has been badgering me to wear. Next to them were two DVDs with pornographic pictures on the front. I was horrified.

I have trusted Charlie because he really doesn't have time to cheat on me. But why would he carry around another girl's underwear?

Abby, I can't think straight right now. I don't want to make a mistake, and I have no idea what to do. Please help. -- SCARED TO MOVE IN NEW YORK

DEAR SCARED: Ask Charlie to whom the underwear belongs. They could be for you, they could be a souvenir -- or they could be his. The only way to find out is to ask.

DEAR ABBY: Since I was 10, I've had a crush on my neighbor, "Chad." He's three years older than me. Sometimes we say "Hi" to each other, and other times he doesn't notice me. When I walk real slow past his house, I can feel him looking at me.

My dream is to ask Chad to my senior prom next spring. Can you give me some advice? -- LOVE-STRUCK IN SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR LOVE-STRUCK: The next time you stroll past Chad's house and catch him outside, stop and chat with him. You have changed a great deal since you were 10. By Christmas you may have established a relationship, and if you have, make a New Year's resolution to ask him to the prom by March. If he's available, that's plenty of notice. If he's not, there's still time to ask someone else.

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