DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female college student who no longer lives at home. While visiting my family recently, I learned that my 17-year-old sister, "Jody," has been sleeping around during the past year. One of her friends let it slip. Jody doesn't know that I know. I am worried that she doesn't realize that her life is in jeopardy if she keeps this up.

Should I tell my parents? Or do you think I should try to talk to Jody instead? -- WORRIED SIS IN TAMPA

DEAR WORRIED: You and Jody are overdue for a sisterly chat. Telling your parents is guaranteed to cause a family crisis, and that would be counterproductive.

Your sister will be 18 in a year. She needs to fully understand that being sexually active requires responsible behavior. Sexually active women need to be under the care of a gynecologist. They also need to be knowledgeable about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and birth control. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Tammy," and her husband, "Barry," are separated. I am close to both of them and have tried my best to remain neutral. However, Barry keeps calling and asking me what Tammy says about him -- but says I shouldn't tell her he's asking. I feel stuck in the middle.

Barry went out with my boyfriend and me recently, and announced that he has always had a crush on me -- then he asked me if I would leave town with him. My boyfriend got furious. I tried to blame it on the fact that Barry was intoxicated, but the next morning he phoned and said he meant every word.

Should I tell Tammy and cause her more pain, or should I try to "forget" that Barry came on to me? -- JOAN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR JOAN: Tell Tammy that Barry is having a rough time with their separation, and quote chapter and verse. She is your best friend and she needs to know.

Barry is a mess right now. He needs emotional support, but you are not the person from whom he should get it. He needs a therapist. Be a friend and tell him so.

DEAR ABBY: Does a parent have the right to literally slap you in the face? I am in my 40s, and for the past year, when my mom doesn't agree with my opinion, she will slap me in the face.

My family is aware of what's happening, but others are afraid to step in for fear of what she'll do to them. Mom was a bully as a child, and because I am not an aggressive person, she has always intimidated me. When I try to stand up for myself, she laughs and humiliates me.

My mother's attacks are destroying me. I don't know how to handle them. I haven't confided in anyone because I am so ashamed.

Do I have the right to defend myself against my mother? -- TIRED OF BEING SLAPPED

DEAR TIRED: Yes, you do, but not physically. Not only is your mother violent, but she is also emotionally sadistic. Since this is new behavior, her doctor needs to be alerted so she can be evaluated. Professional counseling can help you gain the strength you need to end her emotional domination. It appears to be long overdue.

It's also important that your family not be subjected to more of this for fear they will think your mother's behavior is normal. You -- and they -- have a right to be respected.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Erik" for about three months. On our second date he told me he loved me. I told him he was moving too fast, so he modified it by saying he loved "things" about me -- my personality, sense of humor, etc.

Two weeks ago, Erik told me that he is now totally "in love" with me. I politely tried to discourage him. He went on to say that he's been "dumped" by several women in the past -- and began to cry. He's a very emotional person.

Erik and I work different shifts and keep in touch during the day by e-mail. I try to lift his spirits by writing that I hope he is having a good day, etc. In return, he writes me lengthy letters telling me that he is "desperately lonely," but that he's a "fighter" and a "survivor," and he will try to "make it through the day." He has even hinted that if our relationship doesn't work out, he doesn't think he can go on living.

I have repeatedly told Erik that I prefer "light conversation," but he goes on and on about his "quest for love" and how it hurts that my work schedule doesn't fit his. The few times I've had lunch with him he's made me late in returning to work. I'm beginning to think Erik is selfish, desperate and too needy.

Abby, it has reached the point where I no longer derive pleasure from being around him. But I have an enormous cloud of guilt hanging over my head about ending it. Please help. -- FREAKED OUT

DEAR FREAKED OUT: You have an "enormous cloud of guilt" because Erik has carefully and consistently enveloped you in it. You have been honest from the beginning. In your letter, you have described a person who is his own worst enemy. You are not responsible for Erik's welfare if his romances don't bear fruit.

Please don't hesitate any longer. It's time to tell him that you want to date other people. Undoubtedly, Erik is more resilient than you think.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married after a whirlwind romance three years ago. We had a beautiful wedding with more than 300 guests, most of whom were his family and friends. We received wonderful wishes and gifts. We had planned to write our thank-you notes together and had some personal cards printed. I wrote and sent about one-third of them (after growing tired of waiting for my husband). After a while, I finally stopped nagging and the rest remain unwritten and unsent.

We are both embarrassed by our procrastination. A big part of the delay has been wanting to say "just the right thing" so our guests will know how much their presence and gifts meant to us. Ironically, our "perfectionism" has likely left many of them feeling we are thoughtless.

We remain happily married, despite this point of contention, and would still very much like to write our thank-yous. Any suggestions on what to say after this long? -- EMBARRASSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Start this way: "John and I want you to know that we are now fully recovered from our writer's block and also want you to know how much your beautiful gift means to us. Thank you for the (identify the gift specifically) and for your thoughtfulness in choosing it for us." Now get moving!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in middle school and have been helping my friend, "Heidi," with her schoolwork. When Heidi first asked for help, I didn't mind. But now she expects me to do all her assignments.

Yesterday after school, I tried to help Heidi with her homework in the library, but she kept wandering off to talk to friends. Abby, I don't want to help someone who doesn't make an effort, but I feel responsible because Heidi's grades are falling fast. What should I do? -- BOY WITH A BIG PROBLEM ON HIS HANDS

DEAR BOY: First of all, stop shouldering burdens that are not your own. If your friend fails a subject because she has not completed her assignment, the responsibility is hers -- not yours. It was kind of you to try to share your own good study habits with your friend. But the time has come for her to take what you have taught her and fly on her own.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to warn "Afraid in Calgary, Canada," about what she's in for. She's the woman who was scared because her husband is manufacturing an illegal drug.

Two years ago, my boyfriend, "Otis," and I were turned on to methamphetamine by an "old friend." It quickly consumed our lives. We suddenly became paranoid and no longer trusted each other. Soon we began selling it so we could get high for free. Selling led Otis to manufacturing it himself -- all for free drugs and easy money.

I left Otis because I knew what he was doing was wrong. However, three months later -- after he promised that he had quit using, selling and manufacturing -- I returned. The temptation was too great. We both got hooked again. Otis was raking in the dough, and he kept kidding himself, saying he'd only make and sell it "one more time" or until he saved a big enough nest egg. It was never enough. I told him no amount of money would be worth it if we were caught, and I was right. It wasn't.

So far, we've paid our lawyer $16,000 plus $10,000 for my bail money. We've lost $13,000 in confiscated cash, and Otis' children refuse to speak to him or visit him in jail. Otis faces 120 years in prison. I was arrested just for being in his home. I'm charged with five felonies and could also get a long prison sentence.

Abby, it may seem hard to believe, but Otis and I are decent people. He is a wonderful father. But because of weakness and greed, we have lost everything, including the respect of friends and family. Otis' teenage daughter is now ridiculed and picked on every day at school.

"Afraid," if you are reading this, please INSIST that your husband stop manufacturing and selling drugs. If you need money, take a second job. You may not have all the money you think you need, but you'll still have your family, your life and your freedom. We don't. -- IN A BIND/OUT ON BOND

DEAR OUT ON BOND: Thank you for an important letter. Drugs are prevalent. Temptation is great. I hope your experience will serve as a warning to those who need one. What happened to you can easily happen to them.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)