DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. My parents have been divorced for many years. Just before starting high school, I moved in with my father and my older brother an hour away, because I was not getting along with Mom's new husband.

It didn't take long to realize how bad my father's drinking had become since the divorce. He had a gun and shot holes in the walls, took a shot at my brother's car, and cursed my brother and me almost daily.

Just weeks after I moved in, my brother went off to college, leaving me alone with Dad. Two days ago, I was driving him somewhere, and he got mad and yanked the keys out of the ignition while we were going down the highway at 65 miles an hour. The steering wheel and brakes locked and we almost crashed.

I was so upset that I yelled obscenities at him before retrieving the keys to drive back home. Once we were on our way, Dad began throwing things at me -- then he hit me. He yelled, "Go live with your mother!" When we got home, he called her and she came right away to pick me up.

Now I'm back with Mom and my stepfather, and she wants me to stay. I am torn. As disgusted as I am with my father, I am heartbroken at the thought of moving away from all the new friends I made there. They provided the only stability in my life and kept me going. I feel lost at the prospect of once again starting a new school with strangers. And I miss my dad's black Lab, whom I have grown to love. Dad would never let me take him. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- SOUR AT 16

DEAR SOUR AT 16: As much as you love your father's dog, you were living in an abusive and potentially fatal situation when you were with your dad. For your own safety, you must remain with your mother.

You do not have to lose touch with your new friends. You can remain in contact with them via phone and e-mail. And since you miss having a canine companion to love, ask your mother and stepfather if you can have a family dog. Pets can be a bonding experience.

DEAR ABBY: I became engaged a week ago to "Max," who happens to be a millionaire. I come from an average working-class background and have worked since I was 18. I am now 49. Max is a wonderful and loving man. We live in a beautiful home with a housekeeper and gardener. Max wants me to be a stay-at-home spouse and take care of our social and travel arrangements, etc.

Most of my friends are envious, and yes, it IS wonderful not having to work. However, I feel like I have become a kept woman. This is all so new to me. I have been independent most of my life and I am having difficulty adjusting to this new lifestyle. I feel scared that my life is in someone else's hands, not my own.

What can I do to maintain a sense of independence and still feel that my new "wifely duties" are important -- and that I will be valued as an equal partner with my husband? -- MARRYING A MILLIONAIRE

DEAR M.A.M.: Feeling nervous about losing your independence is understandable. Lifestyle change, even if it is positive, can be stressful.

Since your husband would prefer that you not work, please consider becoming a part-time volunteer instead. That way you can still contribute, but you will be freer to accompany your husband on trips. Volunteerism is a richly rewarding experience and can lead to new contacts in your community. However, you would be wise to discuss this before your marriage so there are no surprises for you or your fiance once the knot is tied.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend hits me and makes me have sex with him all the time. He says he does this because I make him do it. He tells me he is the only guy who could ever love me. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am scared it's going to get worse. -- AFRAID IN THE BROKEN HEARTLAND

DEAR AFRAID: You have done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is a rapist and an abuser, and he is using a classic abuser's technique -- make the victim blame herself. It WILL get worse unless you put a stop to it. I urge you to pick up the phone and call the police. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). There is help for you.

The following warning signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark. Please read them carefully. I'm positive you will recognize your abuser in many of them.

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school junior who is busy searching to find the right college. I'm in the top 10 percent of my class, active in extracurricular activities and community services, and have never given my parents an ounce of trouble.

My problem is my mother and I do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to researching colleges. My family doesn't have much money and cannot afford to send me to an expensive university, which I fully understand. However, Mom gets mad when I inquire about ANY school out of our price range.

My reason for wanting to survey all my options is to seek as much information as possible about financial aid, work grants and scholarships. Mother refuses to entertain the idea of co-signing a loan. She has come right out and said I'm wasting my time and being delusional.

I think I am realistic. I accept the fact that I won't be going to an Ivy League school. But I see no harm in refusing to limit myself to state-funded schools. Am I on the right track, or is Mom way ahead of me? -- TIRED OF BEING NAGGED IN NEW YORK

DEAR TIRED: You are asking intelligent questions. But the person you should be asking is your counselor at school. From my perspective, knowledge is power. There are many scholarships available, and you are wise to explore all of your options -- including the Ivy League.

DEAR ABBY: Please alert your readers to a program that has been established to help military retirees who have service-connected disabilities. Congress has authorized special compensation to help offset military retirement pay that is forfeited in order to receive disability compensation from the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA).

This program began June 1, 2003. It is called Combat-Related Special Compensation (CRSC). The program is only for those who have at least 20 years of military service and who have combat- or operations-related disabilities. This includes any disability that resulted in award of a Purple Heart, or conditions rated by the military or the VA as 60 percent to 100 percent disabling, and caused by combat or combat/operations-related events.

Abby, I hope you'll publicize this important program to help compensate disabled military retirees who have given so much to this nation while protecting our freedoms. -- VICE ADM. NORBERT R. RYAN JR. USN (RET.)

DEAR VICE ADM. RYAN: I'm pleased to help spread the word. I'm sure many retired veterans will be grateful for your letter.

Military retirees: To find out more about CRSC and how and where to apply for the program, contact the retiree affairs office at the nearest military installation or go to the Department of Defense Web site at https://www.dmdc.osd.mil/crsc.

DEAR ABBY: When you asked readers to report on their success or failure after they remarried their former spouses, I was reminded of a story.

A man who had recently remarried his first wife ran into an old friend whom he hadn't seen for some time, and told him he had just gotten married again. "Congratulations," said his friend. "I sure hope she's better looking than the first one!" -- HOWARD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HOWARD: Which proves that the only thing more dangerous than commenting on a former spouse's looks is commenting on the person's virtue.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)