DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Karl" for nearly two years. We are discussing marriage. The problem is, I can't stand his family. They are rude, unkempt, lazy and opinionated. Karl's family blames me for helping him to overcome his poor social skills and unhealthy lifestyle. Karl has lost a lot of weight since we started dating. He now wears clean clothes and has had his teeth fixed.

I have always wanted a lavish outdoor wedding and reception, but I don't want to invite Karl's family. I am afraid they will ruin it. I think it might be better to have a small civil ceremony. Karl disagrees, and it's causing a rift in our relationship. Please help. -- BEWILDERED IN OHIO

DEAR BEWILDERED: Before your wedding plans go further, you and Karl have some important issues to iron out. For better or worse, those rude, unkempt, lazy, opinionated people are his family. Do you expect him to divorce them in order to marry you? If the answer is yes, tell him now. If the answer no, accept that Karl comes with some heavy baggage that will be difficult to handle, unless a way is found for you to accept his family the way they are. Remember, too, that his parents will be YOUR children's grandparents. So look again before you leap.

DEAR ABBY: I am gay and have been dating "Warren" for more than four years. He's wonderful. The problem is, some members of his family strongly oppose his homosexuality and are rude when we visit his parents.

Because of their overt hostility, I no longer wish to attend these family functions. However, I want Warren to continue to go to the gatherings -- without me. Warren disagrees. He says I should continue to go with him, because the more his family sees us together, the more understanding they'll become.

Do you agree? Should I go to Warren's family gatherings, even though it's clear that I am not welcome? -- HELPLESS IN HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR HELPLESS: Since this treatment has continued for more than four years, it's obvious Warren's family is not receptive to the two of you as a couple. Warren might try speaking to his parents about this problem, if he hasn't already. But if that doesn't change the atmosphere, I see no reason for either of you to subject yourselves to more rudeness or hostility.

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. My neighbor, "Matt," lost his second wife three years ago. We are both in our 60s and have been friendly for two years.

Matt seems convinced that every woman who is nice to him has marriage on her mind. I don't want to remarry -- and he knows it -- but it doesn't seem to matter. He has been in my home numerous times, but nothing comes of it. He seems shy, and I know he is lonely, but he doesn't seem interested in an intimate relationship.

Matt is a wonderful man. I know he and I could be closer if he would just open up a little. People need people, Abby. What do you suggest? -- PEOPLE PERSON IN PEORIA

DEAR PEOPLE PERSON: That you ease up and accept your neighbor for the person he is. Matt may not want an intimate relationship -- or he may be unable to have one.

It's also possible he doesn't want to be hurt again. His reasons are his own, and if you pressure him, you may cause the end of a very nice friendship.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. He's had limited contact with her for the past seven years. A few months ago, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than a year to live. Jack has tried to let go of his past anger in order to emotionally support her and spend quality time with her during her final months. He has paid some of her doctor's bills and made sure her cupboards are stocked with nutritious food.

Last week, she announced that she is marrying her boyfriend. She plans to leave him the family heirlooms and a large inheritance from her mother that was meant to be shared by my husband, his siblings and the grandchildren.

Jack doesn't want to attend his mother's wedding, but he feels guilty not going. What do you think? -- SHOCKED IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SHOCKED: Your husband's mother is consistent. She's remained emotionally abusive to the end. In her warped mind, this is the next best thing to "taking it with her."

Your husband and his siblings would benefit from family counseling. They did not get the mother they deserve and should not feel guilty limiting their -- albeit brief -- future interaction with her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," and I were married in Las Vegas. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had planned on a small, quiet wedding with only his brother and sister-in-law as witnesses.

Without consulting Bob or me, his sister-in-law "surprised" us by upgrading our hotel room to a suite that adjoined theirs. In addition, she invited several surprise guests -- one of whom was "Anna," my husband's former high school sweetheart. (She had been a foreign exchange student from Germany and happened to be visiting the U.S. at the time.)

Anna has been married for many years and has two grown sons. I had always known that Bob's family was fond of her and had remained in touch over the years. They even visited Anna and her family in Europe twice.

I did my best not to overreact, but Anna's surprise appearance completely ruined my wedding -- not to mention the honeymoon. (My husband and I hardly had a minute to ourselves.)

We have now been married three years. Bob adopted my little boy and is a wonderful husband and father. I feel truly blessed to have such a happy home.

The problem? Anna is once again planning a trip to the U.S. to see Bob and the family. I see red every time I hear them singing her praises. (Not since Mother Teresa has there been such a saint!) I am filled with anger and dread over her impending visit and cannot imagine how I'll get through it. Bob knows how I feel. He says he loves me and there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Am I being unreasonable -- or is this an unreasonable situation? -- HAPPY/UNHAPPY WIFE IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR HAPPY/UNHAPPY: I wouldn't call you unreasonable. Unrealistic is more like it. There is an old saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Anna is an old family friend from the past. Her romance with your husband is long over -- and there is our whole country and the Atlantic Ocean between them. Please don't put yourself in the middle. Give her a hearty welcome. She won't be here long -- and you might even grow to like her.

DEAR ABBY: I have finally met the man I have been waiting for. I began working here 10 months ago, and from the day I walked in and saw my boss, I knew he and I were meant to be together.

We began an intense physical relationship two weeks after I was hired. We had lunch and talked on the phone every day. Then suddenly, about a month later, he stopped having anything to do with me personally and started keeping his distance at work.

I still believed with all my heart that he was the man for me. I waited and waited. I knew he would come back to me -- and after six months he did! For the last four months he has been showering me with attention. I am completely in love with this man, but there are days at work when he doesn't speak to me. He contends that all is still good between us.

I am an attractive woman and almost every man at work has asked me out. Could my boss be stringing me along just to have bragging rights with the guys? Am I just a toy for him? A trophy, if you will. Could he be using me?

Please don't print my name or location. This is a small town, and anyone who sees my letter would know it is me. -- JANE DOE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.

DEAR JANE: The kind of attraction you have described is hard to conceal, and the men at work may have picked up on the "electricity" between you and your boss. That might also account for the fact that almost every one of your male co-workers has asked you out.

Let me suggest this: One of you may have confused advances with advancement. If you're not the love of HIS life, and he has, indeed, been using you -- you may have one heck of a harassment claim. I'm holding a good thought for the both of you, but whether you're a toy, a trophy, a convenience, or the love of your boss's life remains to be seen.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 18 years when my niece, "Gwen," announced at a family cookout on Mother's Day that she and my husband, "Budd," were having an affair. We have since divorced and they have married.

I have done all I can to accept this; however, it is very hard to do. I am very angry. I hate the fact that Gwen comes to my home every day to pick up my four children. I have asked Budd to make other arrangements so I don't have to have contact with Gwen, but they refuse to cooperate. They say I am being childish and unreasonable.

I have been going to counseling and was told to "let it go" and "get over it." Please tell me how. -- HAD IT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HAD IT: What happened was a betrayal -- and the way you found out was brutal, ugly and humiliating. However, for your children's sake, you must take the high road and move on with your life. The alternative is to cut yourself off from the rest of your family at the time you most need their support. When your children are older, they will understand the terrible situation you were placed in and how courageously you handled it.

It is also important that you take time for yourself and become socially involved again. It will distract you from your problems. You deserve to be happy, too.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)