DEAR ABBY: I have saved for two years to take my children -- ages 7, 11 and 13 -- on a dream vacation. My kids have never been on a plane, and they are very excited about the prospect.

The problem is my fiance, "Drew." He wants to come with us. However, he has just admitted to me that he is deathly afraid of flying. He wants us to change our plans and drive instead. It would require an 18-hour drive each way.

The kids will be very disappointed if they have to give up their first flight, and we'd all be miserable spending that much time confined in a car. We'd be tired before we arrived, and worst of all, four days of our one-week vacation would be spent in transit.

I have offered to pay for Drew's gas or train ticket so he can meet us there. I even found the name of a psychologist who specializes in phobias, but Drew won't fly, take a train or see a "shrink."

Drew claims if I "really loved him," I would accept him, fears and all, and return the plane tickets. He also says if we go without him, the engagement is over.

I understand that Drew's fears are very real, and I am sympathetic to his problem. However, I feel it is unreasonable for him to expect us to make such a drastic change of plans to accommodate him -- especially since we are leaving in less than a month.

Am I unsympathetic? -- TRYING TO BE REASONABLE IN RALEIGH

DEAR TRYING: I don't think so. You made an important promise to your children, and it should be kept. A mature individual would understand that and not twist your arm with an ultimatum.

If I were you, I'd take the children on that trip and let the chips fall where they may. Your fiance appears to be controlling and self-centered. He does not have your children's best interests at heart, and his attempts to control you and them show what kind of stepfather he will be. Please think twice about tying the knot with Drew.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Roger," conducts business for his second job -- real estate -- every day on company time. Everyone in the office can hear him "selling" on the phone.

My office mates and I find Roger's real estate paperwork scattered all over the place -- left in the copier or fax machine, even in the lunchroom. He is constantly surfing the Internet looking at houses.

Roger is a nice person with a sweet wife and three little kids. However, my office mates and I see the side of him that is without morals.

I, for one, don't know how to treat him. All employees sign a "code of conduct" each year in order to continue working for our company. The document clearly states that employees are to report anyone conducting outside or personal business on company time.

I am torn about what to do. I don't want to ruin this man's career, but I feel I have broken a pledge by not reporting him. What's the answer, Abby? -- WORKING WITH A CHEAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WORKING: The person in the office who is closest to Roger should have a heart-to-heart with him, conveying the sentiments of the rest of the employees. If that doesn't do the trick, then all of Roger's co-workers -- including you -- should sign a letter to the bosses informing them about the breach in company policy. The names should be listed in alphabetical order.

Rogers' behavior is not only dishonest, but it also undermines office morale. A warning from his supervisor may teach him a lesson and get him to shape up. If he's lucky, he won't be dismissed.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old mother of two. Until two months ago, I was happily married. During his last overseas tour, my husband contracted herpes-2. He claims he was under the influence and the woman took "unfair" advantage of him.

I don't know if I'm more upset that he wasn't capable of controlling the situation, or the fact he had unprotected sex with a stranger and then with me. I feel robbed, not only of my trust and the sanctity of our marriage, but also of my dignity, my self-image and my future.

I have decided to stay in this marriage. How could anyone else love me if he knew? I have drilled my husband with accusations and questions. How can we put this behind us and have a happy marriage again? Every time I have an outbreak, I'm reminded of what he did to us. Now, because I loved and trusted my husband, I must live with this for the rest of my life. Can you help me to heal my heart -- or should I just leave? -- CAN'T FORGET

DEAR CAN'T FORGET: According to the American Social Health Association (ASHA), more than one in five Americans over the age of 12 are infected with herpes-2.

Although you may feel isolated in having this problem, nothing could be further from the truth. ASHA has a wealth of information available on this subject, and support groups as well. Please call the National Herpes Hotline for information and referrals in your area. It operates from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. (EST). The number is (919) 361-8488. The Web site is www.ashastd.org.

I sincerely hope you and your husband can overcome this marital crisis. But if the only reason you're staying in your marriage is that you think no one else would want you because you have herpes, that's the wrong reason for staying.

Marriage counseling would be very helpful to you and your spouse. He behaved irresponsibly, but it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Other marriages have survived this. With work and forgiveness on both of your parts, yours might, too.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-80s, and recently a family member died. When I read his obituary in the newspaper I was amazed at how much I learned about him. I later was told he had written his own obituary. No other family member could have recalled all the relevant facts regarding his life.

My wife -- very delicately -- asked my opinion about writing your own obituary. At first I was taken aback. But after thinking it over, I told her I felt it was an important thing to do. Most of us have prepared our trusts and wills to distribute our estates after we're gone -- and that is not upsetting to us.

Abby, what do you think about people writing their own obituaries? -- MURRAY IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR MURRAY: I can't think of a better way for people to "maximize their positives" and "minimize their negatives." Not only that, but a person then has the rest of his or her lifetime to polish, edit and update the document. Talk about the ultimate opportunity for creative writing! (And you have the last word.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm curious, are there any statistics on the success rate of couples who have been divorced and remarried the same spouse? My ex-husband and I are getting reacquainted. We were married for 20 years and have been divorced for two. We have both changed, but I'm nervous about the prospect of returning to what I worked so hard to escape. What do you think? -- UNCERTAIN IN COLORADO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: I don't have the statistics, but I'll ask my readers if their remarriages have worked. Readers?

P.S. Unless you and your former husband have extensive premarital counseling to ensure that the issues that drove you apart have been resolved, I'd advise against it.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I work as a staff assistant in a large department of a Fortune 500 corporation. Every year, prior to Staff Appreciation Day, each staff assistant in my department receives a formal invitation to lunch that reads:

"In appreciation for your hard work and dedication, you will be given an extra half-hour to attend the staff appreciation lunch. Location: (A fairly expensive restaurant that takes a half-hour to get to and from.) Time: 11:30 a.m.-1 p.m. Why: Because you deserve a long lunch." (The extra half-hour is our "gift." We are responsible for the cost of our meal.)

Is there a tactful way to point out to the powers-that-be that inviting employees to an "appreciation lunch" at their own expense, at a restaurant the honorees would not normally choose because of the cost, and then suggesting that the extra half-hour taken up in travel time is a gift, is more than a little offensive?

Believe me, I'd beg off, but I feel pressured and obligated to attend. What else can I do, Abby? -- LOST IN DILBERT'S WORLD

DEAR LOST: From your description of the "generous" policy, I think I know why it's a Fortune 500 company. It would be interesting to know what kind of performance rewards their executives get.

If it's company policy, I don't think there is anything you can do about it -- except, perhaps, to gently confide to your boss that the whole thing is a bit of a farce.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and have just become engaged. I want to go to college, but my fiance, "Kirk," doesn't support my decision. It was a struggle for me to finish high school. I dropped out at 16, but recently received my GED with lots of support and encouragement from Kirk. But now that it's time for me to begin college, he doesn't want me to go. He says he's ready to settle down and start a family. Well, I'm not. I think my life has just begun. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN LOVE IN OREGON

DEAR CONFUSED: You have worked hard to get to where you are. Do not allow your fiance's insecurity to hold you back. If you're not completely ready to settle down and start a family, you should not allow yourself to be pressured into it.

Tell Kirk that you love him and that you need his support now more than ever. Perhaps there is a class the two of you could take together so he won't feel left behind. Please explore this with Kirk. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: There are two groups of girls in high school: the "cool" girls and the "not so cool" girls. I have good friends in each group, but the groups hate each other.

When I hang out with a friend in the "cool" group, my friend in the other group ignores me for the rest of the day -- and vice versa.

Abby, when school starts again, how should I handle this ridiculous situation? Help! -- CONFLICTED TEEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFLICTED: You're already "handling it" very well by being your own person and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. Since you can't change other people, you must change the way YOU react to them. Be strong and do not allow either group to isolate you. There are great advantages in learning early how to get along with all kinds of people. Remember that.

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