DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with one of our closest single friends from church. Their relationship had been going on for almost a year. This was her second affair in our 12-year marriage, and I'm about ready to cut my losses and file for divorce.

My wife has expressed great remorse for her mistake and claims that she will do "anything" to save our marriage. I am still very much in love with her -- and I have the happiness of our young son to consider. My wife and I are in counseling, but my feelings of betrayal and anger are so great that I don't know if I can trust her -- or any woman -- ever again. I feel as though I've not only been betrayed by my wife, but also by my "friend," my church -- even by God.

Is it possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change? And if change is possible, how do I begin to trust again when the person I loved and cared for most in the world is the one responsible for my pain and misery? I would be grateful for any insight you can offer, Abby. -- SHATTERED IN BLUEGRASS COUNTRY

DEAR SHATTERED: Yes, it is possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change. But in order to do so, the person must be willing to confront the reasons for the cheating. Rebuilding trust, however, can take years, because even with the most forgiving spouse, the memory of the transgression is always lurking in the background.

Now I'll paraphrase a question I usually ask my female readers: Are you better off with or without her? Only you can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Ted" for two years. He is the love of my life. Last week, out of the blue, he said he didn't want to see me anymore and ordered me out of his apartment. He raged at me as if I had done something terrible to him. I left immediately.

The day after Ted's blowup, I talked to him on the phone and his anger was gone. He explained that he needed his space, and I accepted it. The following day we talked again, and I could hear the anger was back in his voice. The day after that, he was as sweet as he's ever been. We tearfully discussed breaking up, but remaining friends.

I would like nothing more than for Ted to enjoy his "space" and discover that I really am the one for him. But I love him, and this is the hardest thing I have dealt with in our two years of ups and downs.

Until three months ago, Ted was a drug user. Now I wonder if he's using again. I am all too familiar with the signs. Because of Ted, I have learned more about drugs than I ever thought possible. But my love for him has endured.

When Ted got clean, we joined a church and I believed we were finally in a better place. Now I don't know what to think. Am I spinning my wheels here, Abby? What should I do? -- SCARED AND CONFUSED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED: I suspect your instincts are on target -- he is using again. However, as much as you might wish to, you cannot "save" Ted. Only he can do that. Please don't tolerate his irrational mood swings. They will destroy your self-esteem. Let him go. Direct your interests and energies elsewhere. Get some counseling. It'll be the smartest, most self-protective move you have ever made -- and a favor to yourself.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was a child, I developed a huge crush on "Mickey," a young man who worked for my mother. As I grew older, the crush grew to love. Twenty-six years later, I am still very much in love with him -- and we were married two months ago.

Last night, Mickey told me something that's tearing my heart out: He and Mother had an affair 18 years ago. I am trying to act as though I'm OK, and promised Mickey I wouldn't tell Mom that he had confided in me. Now I honestly don't know if I can keep silent, knowing my husband had sex with my mother. I feel hurt, betrayed and sick about the news.

I still love Mickey and don't want to end our marriage. He says the affair shouldn't matter because it happened long ago, and I shouldn't dwell on it -- but in my eyes it might as well have been yesterday.

How will I ever face my mother again and not let on that I know? -- DESPERATELY HURT IN FLORIDA

DEAR DESPERATELY HURT: You were just a child when the romance happened. For your mother's sake, it would be a kindness not to let her know that you know you have more in common than the usual mother/daughter bond. Everybody has a skeleton in the closet. If you can't let this go, I recommend counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married 24-year-old with a daughter who just turned 2. My problem is that my mother dislikes my best friend, "Marci," for no reason that I can figure out. Any time I invite Marci to a party, Mom raises a stink.

Because of that, my friendship with Marci has cooled over the past year. We haven't seen much of each other, and I wanted to change that, so I invited her to my daughter's birthday party. I informed Mother ahead of time that Marci would be there -- and warned her not to make a scene.

Mom got back at me by showing up at the party with a six-pack of beer. Abby, she raised me never to have booze at a child's party, and we exchanged words in front of everyone. I ended up cutting the party short because it became such a tense situation -- with Marci on one side of the room and Mom and her six-pack on the other.

I have tried talking to my mother about why she dislikes Marci. She brushes it off with the accusation that I'm choosing my best friend over her.

My mother has a history of bad-news friends who ended up stealing from her or trashing her behind her back. How can I get it through her head that Marci isn't like that? -- STILL FUMING AT MOM IN SOUTHERN IDAHO

DEAR STILL FUMING: Your mother may be competitive with Marci, or she may remind your mother of someone who hurt her in the past. If she hasn't come up with a reason for her aversion, it may be unconscious. That said, you're an adult and entitled to form your own friendships. You and your mother aren't joined at the hip. Enjoy both your mom and Marci on separate occasions.

DEAR ABBY: My boss asked me to write to you. He has a box of birthday cards that he wants to use up. When he needs to send a greeting of any kind, he uses one of them. He crosses out "Birthday," and writes in the appropriate word: "Wedding," "Graduation," "New Home," etc. He feels there is nothing wrong with this. I say it is not in good taste. Who's right? -- WORKING FOR A CHEAP BOSS IN BOSTON

DEAR WORKING: You are.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I met a guy in the Army through OperationDearAbby.net. We wrote e-mails back and forth and fell in love. You really changed my life, Abby. I just want to say thank you. God bless. -- WALKING ON AIR IN LIMA, PERU

DEAR WALKING: Congratulations -- that's wonderful news. Since the program began in 1967, there have been many romances and marriages between couples who met through Operation Dear Abby.

My partnership with the Department of Defense is now year-round, and I'm pleased to say that since December 2001, more than 2 million messages of support have been sent to our troops stationed around the world. And it's all due to my caring readership.

P.S. The Web address is www.OperationDearAbby.net. Let's keep those messages of support coming!

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-something single woman dating "Chuck," who is kind and thoughtful. We have been seeing each other nearly four months.

Chuck is a great guy, but there is one big problem. He is very hairy. His chest and back are covered with long, dark, thick body hair. It is a real turn-off, and it prevents me from being physically attracted to him.

In all other ways, Chuck is a wonderful man -- sweet, generous and compassionate. He has been hinting recently that he would like a long-term relationship. I don't want to hurt his feelings or his self-esteem. Do I have the right to bring up hair removal? -- NOT WILD ABOUT HAIRY

DEAR NOT: If you like everything about Chuck except the fact that he has a fur coat, it's time to level with him. Semi-permanent hair removal can be accomplished with a laser these days -- and many people avail themselves of it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by speaking up.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are professionals in our 50s. We dress well and are average looking. Our problem is, no matter which restaurant we frequent, we are often seated next to the kitchen or work station. It happens whether we are together or alone, with or without reservations, in the United States or Canada. It doesn't seem to matter.

At one restaurant, I requested "a seat away from the kitchen," but wondered why this was necessary. If my husband and I looked and acted like slobs, I would understand. Your thoughts, please. -- MINDING OUR MANNERS IN SASKATCHEWAN

DEAR MINDING OUR MANNERS: The tables you have mentioned are usually the least desirable in a restaurant. If you are shown to a table you don't like, speak up and say the table is not acceptable and you would like to be seated elsewhere. When you make your reservations, request a table in the area you prefer. I'm sure you'll be accommodated.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon, and one of my good friends suggested that a friend of hers do my makeup for the wedding. Her friend volunteered to help, and it's a wonderful gesture.

If I have her do my makeup, should I invite her to the wedding? Or should I thank her and give her a nice gift? I need advice, Abby. -- CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONFUSED: Before making any commitment, have the friend do a "practice makeup" on you. It would be a disaster, if, just before the ceremony, you realized her artistry wasn't up to your standards. That said, if you take her up on her generous offer, why not do all three -- thank her, invite her, and mark the occasion with a token gift.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)