DEAR ABBY: This Mother's Day was my fourth without my youngest son. In June of 1999, he was killed by a drunk driver. My son was only 23 and had his whole life ahead of him.

The driver was a 50-year-old man who pulled out of a bar parking lot onto a main road as though he were the only driver in the world. My son didn't stand a chance. It was 8:30 on a Tuesday night. DUIs can occur any day, any time.

That tragic night not only changed my life forever, but the lives of my son's brother, his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a girlfriend and friends. I will never be able to attend his wedding, cuddle his children, or have a relationship with his wife.

I raised two boys and enjoyed their company. How quickly all that changed. I no longer enjoy "happy" or "merry" holidays.

Abby, please warn your readers not to drink and drive. Tragedy caused by a drunk driver can strike any family. -- A MOM CHANGED FOREVER

DEAR MOM: I'm sad to say that's absolutely true. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. With the Fourth of July holiday beginning tomorrow, your letter is especially timely.

Readers, relax, give thanks to our founding fathers, but please do not drink and drive.

DEAR ABBY: I am working this summer and saving to buy a new car. The car I have now is fine; I just want something newer.

My problem is, what do I do with my old car when I get a new one? My parents are divorced, but both of them have asked me to sell it to a different brother. I know that when I choose one, the other will be upset and will think I am playing favorites. What should I do? -- ONE CAR/TWO BROS IN KANSAS

DEAR CAR, TWO BROS: It's unfair for you to be placed in the middle. Establish a fair price for the vehicle. Tell both of your brothers what's going on and have them draw a "lucky ticket" out of a hat to see who gets to buy the car. If that is not acceptable, the car should be sold to a third party.

DEAR ABBY: I married a widower who is 40 years older than me. I adore him, but he insists on keeping a portrait of his deceased wife prominently displayed in our living room. (She died 10 years ago.) He also has a sculpture of her head on a pedestal.

This behavior irks me. Please advise. -- SECONDHAND IRIS IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR IRIS: Your husband may have had the portrait for so long that he's no longer aware of its presence. Have you told him how you feel about it? If you have, and he's resistant to removing it -- as a compromise, ask him to display it in a less prominent place.

As for the sculpture, when he's not around, throw a towel or a lovely scarf over it and keep your sense of humor. After all, she's just plaster and paint. You are flesh and blood.

DEAR ABBY: This summer I'm getting married to Mr. Wonderful. Jerry and I have been engaged for two years and together for five. The problem? His new hobby -- computer chat rooms.

Maybe I've got the wedding jitters, but this bothers me no end. Lately he's been messaging "Gina" in the U.K. They communicate frequently, and even have pet names for each other. (Jerry calls her "Little British Babe" and she calls him "Jer-Bear.")

Now I have discovered they're exchanging letters, photos and chocolates. Jerry says it's because she misses her favorite U.S. candy -- Hershey kisses.

Abby, am I being paranoid, or is more going on than meets the eye? -- SUSPICIOUS FIANCEE IN NEBRASKA

DEAR SUSPICIOUS FIANCEE: I don't think you are being paranoid. Your fiance should be exchanging kisses (chocolate and otherwise) with you. Tell him to cut out the candy and sweet talk, or you'll go on a "diet" that doesn't include him.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am what you might call a "lazy person." I am 18 and still live at home with my parents.

My mother just told me that I have to be out of the house by September. The thing is, I quit high school and don't have a job. I don't have my GED, but when I do get it, I want to enroll in hairdressing school.

I don't know how my mother and stepfather think I can make it on my own if I don't have the money. How can I convince them that I will need more time? -- FEELING PRESSURED IN CALGARY

DEAR PRESSURED: By giving them a much-needed show of faith. Contact your local department of education and enroll in classes now so you can get your GED. Once you're signed up, contact temp agencies and search the classified section of your newspaper for job openings. I'm betting that once your mom and stepfather see that you are making a sincere effort, they'll relent a little.

Your future is in your own hands, and the next move is up to you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it standard procedure for a woman to keep her husband's name after a divorce? It bothers me that the man I plan to marry already has an ex-wife with his last name. He says it's because of their children. I would like her to go back to her maiden name. -- HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND ANYMORE, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR "HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND": The kindest advice I can offer is to accept the fact that your intended has baggage. You cannot make his first marriage "disappear." Many women retain their husband's name after a divorce for the exact reason she is doing so. If you marry this man, your name will be "Mrs. John Smith." His former wife is now "Mrs. Linda Smith." You'll all be happier if you just get over it.

DEAR ABBY: I was raised in a small rural community. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I was molested and sodomized. I am now a 61-year-old single man, and I have never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone.

I was not molested by a priest, preacher, teacher, coach or any adult. I was molested by another child -- a boy of 12 or 13. I knew of three boys in my seventh grade class who were also molested by another boy. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had learned of two more.

The boys who victimized us are now married and have children. At least three of their victims never married. I have no doubt that these abuses continue today. This is NOT an issue of homosexuality or pedophilia. The issue is the dominant, aggressive nature of male sexuality.

Parents must realize that their child is potentially both a victim and an abuser. All boys should be alerted to the possibility that even some of their best friends may have dangerous curiosities -- and no one has more influence over a child than a friend.

Boys must be taught self-respect and respect for the privacy of others. Because of the complexities of our society, we cannot leave the development and socialization of a child's sexuality to chance or to nature. -- ALONE IN ARIZONA

DEAR ALONE: Your letter is troubling as well as thought-provoking. All children should be taught how to say no -- whether verbally or through self-defense -- if they are asked to do something that doesn't feel right and is against their better judgment.

It is imperative that parents also teach children the importance of treating one another with respect. This is a valuable lesson that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and cut myself on my wrists. I do it mostly when I get mad at someone. I also tried to choke myself when I was younger. One of my best friends and I talked about killing ourselves or running away.

I weigh 150 pounds. I weigh myself every night before I take a shower. I've tried to puke but it never comes up. I've also started skipping meals. My friends say I'm not fat, but my mom calls me chubby and pinches at the fat on my stomach.

My grades haven't been that great. I got three D's on my last report card. It's the worst I've ever done. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. My mom, friends, doctors and my aunt have asked what happened to my wrists (which is where I cut myself with scissors) and I tell them all the same thing -- "I don't know."

Abby, please help me. I want to end my life, but I don't have the guts. I still want to play in the Women's National Basketball Association when I get older, but I'm not sure I can wait. I don't want to go through this pain anymore. -- THIRTEEN WITH PROBLEMS

DEAR THIRTEEN WITH PROBLEMS: It's time for you to level with the people who love you. It is also time to call your doctor and tell him or her how you got the cuts on your wrists, and that you are fantasizing about suicide. No one will be angry with you or punish you. You may need medical help to overcome your self-destructive urges -- and to help you feel better about yourself.

Please understand that you are not alone in having this problem. It's one that is shared by many others. The good news is that help is available. Please write to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, Linden Oaks Hospital, 852 West St., Naperville, IL 60540, and include a legal-sized, self-addressed, stamped envelope. You can look it up on the Web site for more information, at www.selfinjury.com.

DEAR ABBY: Last Saturday night, my boyfriend, "Jimmy," and I went out, like always. When he brought me home, I invited him in for a glass of wine. Dad had gone to bed, and Mom was still up and watching TV in the den.

When I was in the kitchen pouring the wine, I overheard Mom tell Jimmy how "handsome and sexy" he looked. I was startled, so I peeked into the den and found my mother and boyfriend in a liplock.

I saw Jimmy run his hand down Mom's body and under her nightie. I was shocked! When I returned with the drinks, I didn't let on what I had seen, and they acted like nothing had happened.

Jimmy often likes to drop by the house and say hello to Mom, but I never thought it was anything more. What should I do? Should I confront Mom and my boyfriend? My biggest concern is Dad. Should I tell him -- or should I keep quiet? -- DESPERATE FOR ADVICE IN ALBANY

DEAR DESPERATE: I see no reason for you to carry this burden in silence. Tell your mother what you witnessed and how it made you feel. Then, tell Jimmy that the relationship is over.

You have been betrayed twice, and you have every reason to feel hurt and angry. Counseling can help you deal with your feelings. It would be helpful if you and your mother attend some sessions together. Your father should be told, but don't do it until you have had some sessions with your counselor.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "MICHELLE IN THE MIDWEST": Your fellow bus passengers are worried about your safety. Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. The people there can help you form an escape plan. Don't put it off!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)