DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college and received "congrats" and small gifts from well-wishers, all of which I responded to with written thank-you notes -- with one exception: my father. He still attempts to carry on a father/daughter relationship, regardless of my feelings. Even though I made a decision years ago to cut off all contact with him, he sent me a graduation card with a large check enclosed.

Abby, throughout my childhood and teens, my father emotionally and physically abused my mother. After their divorce, he attempted to do the same to me. That's when I stopped communicating with him.

Mom thinks I should keep the money. I could really use it, but I honestly don't think it's right to keep it without sending a note of thanks. It's the last thing I want to do. Please give me your opinion. No name or location -- sign me ... GRAD TORN OVER DAD

DEAR GRAD: Return the money. Your father is trying to buy his way back into your life. If you allow it, the price YOU will pay for maintaining a relationship with your abusive father won't be worth any amount of money.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 52-year-old man ending my third marriage, and I'm beginning to wonder if my three ex-wives could be right -- the consensus is I'm "nuts."

Am I "nuts" for cleaning the house after my wife said she just cleaned it? Am I "nuts" for ironing a shirt she already ironed? After we'd go to bed, I'd get up in the middle of the night to rewash the dinner dishes and sweep the kitchen floor. I could go on and on.

I finally took the advice of wife No. 3 and went to my doctor. He listened for a couple of minutes, prescribed two meds, and sent me away with, "Have a nice day." Then I went to a licensed therapist, and in five minutes was told this could take years of counseling. Well, we all know what that means -- ka-ching, ka-ching! Tell me, Abby, AM I nuts? -- MR. CLEAN IN OHIO

DEAR MR. CLEAN: No, you are not "nuts." (And no one should call you that.) You ARE obsessive-compulsive. It's a condition that can be treated with a combination of medications and counseling. Please avail yourself of both. It will be money well spent. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I am not writing for advice or airing a complaint. I'd like to share an act of kindness.

On Mother's Day, my husband and I went to an upscale restaurant for dinner. We were also celebrating my husband's 86th birthday. We had almost finished our meal when our food server informed us that a gentleman, who had come in with a group and passed our table, had asked that our check be given to him.

We were surprised because we did not know this man. After we finished, my husband and I went to his table and thanked him. He told us that we reminded him of his grandparents and seeing us had "made his day."

So, you see, Abby -- there ARE good and thoughtful people who perform good deeds, but we seldom hear about them. I hope if this appears in your column, that dear man will see it and know how very much my husband and I appreciated his kindness. -- VIRGINIA IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR VIRGINIA: You're right. Good deeds are seldom publicized. That gentleman must have loved his grandparents very much.

P.S. Your letter made MY day.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and couldn't be more mixed up. Mom abused us our entire lives. She lost custody of me and my four younger brothers and sisters last summer. I always thought I hated her for the beatings she gave us.

The truth is, I don't hate her. I miss her so much I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad or stepmom because I don't think they would understand. Every night I cry myself to sleep because I miss Mom. I'm scared that something bad has happened to her because she hasn't tried to call or see us even once. What should I do? Please help. -- SCARED AND SAD IN THE APPALACHIANS

DEAR SCARED AND SAD: You're no longer a little girl. It's important that you express your concerns to your father. You need to talk about your mother, how she treated you, and why, and find out where she is. There is a reason why your father was given full custody of you and your siblings. When you're older you will have a better understanding of what happened.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have a dilemma. Our beloved mother passed away three months ago, and both our brothers want Dad to erase her voice from the greeting on his answering machine. The message says, "We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message and we'll call you back."

Abby, we love hearing our mother's sweet voice when we call. However, our brothers feel it's "time for a change." Dad seems fine with leaving it as is. Please help settle this dispute. -- TWO DAUGHTERS MISSING MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO DAUGHTERS: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Grief counseling could be helpful for all of you. Your brothers are probably not the only people who find such a greeting to be off-putting. I'm sure family friends are also disconcerted by it. Since it bothers your brothers, perhaps it's time to transfer the message in your mother's voice to tape -- so you, your sister and your father can listen to it when you wish.

DEAR ABBY: I'm enclosing a wedding announcement my family and I received yesterday. My family and I are shocked and appalled. It reads:

"Dear Family: I am asking for your cooperation and understanding. My wedding will be very costly, and this has caused me to make some unpleasant decisions.

"I hope you will see this as a request for a donation and not a charge for you to attend my wedding. I cannot figure out any way other than to ask each guest to contribute to the cost. If anyone is insulted by my request, I am sincerely sorry.

"Your $330 contribution must be received on or before June 30. Only postal money orders will be accepted. Please purchase it only from a U.S. post office. Thank you for your contribution."

My question is, how should this "invitation" be handled? We don't have this kind of money. Should we tell the bride-to-be what bad manners this is? -- APPALLED IN OHIO

DEAR APPALLED: No. Please allow me to do it for you. What you received is not an invitation. It is a solicitation. Not only is it tacky; it is unbelievably insulting. When a couple marries, all monetary contributions should be voluntary. To specify that the "gift" be paid via money order implies that there might be insufficient funds to cash the check.

If I received such an "invitation," I would not send a money order. I would send my regrets. I recommend that you do the same. Readers, I challenge you to top this!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years and have never been able to establish a close relationship with my in-laws. They have always gone out of their way to exclude me from family conversations and gatherings. They are very attentive toward my children, but they made it clear to me a long time ago that I am not welcome in their presence. I'm sick of it.

My husband is no help at all. He has private conversations with his parents, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to share any details with me. His family gets together for shopping trips, Bible seminars -- even getaway cruises. I am never included.

I am a likable person, Abby. I have many loyal, longtime friends and acquaintances. It's a mystery to me why my in-laws aren't kinder and more inclusive. As time goes by, it gets worse and worse. I love my children and my husband. But he is becoming more like them, and I feel increasingly isolated. I am desperately lonely for family fun and inclusiveness. Is this normal? -- THE OUTLAW IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR OUTLAW: For your husband's family to have treated you like an outsider all these years is deplorable. However, for your husband to tolerate it -- and cooperate with it -- is worse. It is betrayal. That said, you cannot change them. Your husband might see the light through counseling. However, if he refuses, it is time to ask yourself, seriously, if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, and if you're better off with him or without him.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of seven years, "Joy," and I are trying to get out of debt, so we work opposite shifts to save on child-care costs. We have two little ones, 6 and 2. (I work days and she works the night shift.)

Unfortunately, Joy's manager, "Vic," has had his eye on her for some time. Vic is married and nearly twice her age. I discovered e-mails they'd sent each other, which make clear that he is only after one thing. When I confronted my wife, she admitted making "one stupid mistake," then promised to cut him off.

On the home front, things were better than ever until I found a new e-mail from Vic that was "too hot to handle." When I called her on it, Joy told me she loves me and wants to keep our family together, but I can see she is still infatuated with Vic.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I contacted him directly and told him to lay off. Now I'm getting the cold shoulder from my wife.

I dearly love Joy and do not want to lose her. I am looking for a new job that will allow me to spend more time at home. What else can I do, Abby? -- WORRIED HUSBAND AND FATHER WHO WANTS TO MAKE IT WORK

DEAR WORRIED: You're not the only one who needs a job change. For the sake of your marriage, Joy must get away from her manager.

It may take time to heal your relationship, but marriage counseling for both of you can hasten the process. I wish you luck.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)