DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and couldn't be more mixed up. Mom abused us our entire lives. She lost custody of me and my four younger brothers and sisters last summer. I always thought I hated her for the beatings she gave us.

The truth is, I don't hate her. I miss her so much I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad or stepmom because I don't think they would understand. Every night I cry myself to sleep because I miss Mom. I'm scared that something bad has happened to her because she hasn't tried to call or see us even once. What should I do? Please help. -- SCARED AND SAD IN THE APPALACHIANS

DEAR SCARED AND SAD: You're no longer a little girl. It's important that you express your concerns to your father. You need to talk about your mother, how she treated you, and why, and find out where she is. There is a reason why your father was given full custody of you and your siblings. When you're older you will have a better understanding of what happened.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have a dilemma. Our beloved mother passed away three months ago, and both our brothers want Dad to erase her voice from the greeting on his answering machine. The message says, "We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message and we'll call you back."

Abby, we love hearing our mother's sweet voice when we call. However, our brothers feel it's "time for a change." Dad seems fine with leaving it as is. Please help settle this dispute. -- TWO DAUGHTERS MISSING MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO DAUGHTERS: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Grief counseling could be helpful for all of you. Your brothers are probably not the only people who find such a greeting to be off-putting. I'm sure family friends are also disconcerted by it. Since it bothers your brothers, perhaps it's time to transfer the message in your mother's voice to tape -- so you, your sister and your father can listen to it when you wish.

DEAR ABBY: I'm enclosing a wedding announcement my family and I received yesterday. My family and I are shocked and appalled. It reads:

"Dear Family: I am asking for your cooperation and understanding. My wedding will be very costly, and this has caused me to make some unpleasant decisions.

"I hope you will see this as a request for a donation and not a charge for you to attend my wedding. I cannot figure out any way other than to ask each guest to contribute to the cost. If anyone is insulted by my request, I am sincerely sorry.

"Your $330 contribution must be received on or before June 30. Only postal money orders will be accepted. Please purchase it only from a U.S. post office. Thank you for your contribution."

My question is, how should this "invitation" be handled? We don't have this kind of money. Should we tell the bride-to-be what bad manners this is? -- APPALLED IN OHIO

DEAR APPALLED: No. Please allow me to do it for you. What you received is not an invitation. It is a solicitation. Not only is it tacky; it is unbelievably insulting. When a couple marries, all monetary contributions should be voluntary. To specify that the "gift" be paid via money order implies that there might be insufficient funds to cash the check.

If I received such an "invitation," I would not send a money order. I would send my regrets. I recommend that you do the same. Readers, I challenge you to top this!

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years and have never been able to establish a close relationship with my in-laws. They have always gone out of their way to exclude me from family conversations and gatherings. They are very attentive toward my children, but they made it clear to me a long time ago that I am not welcome in their presence. I'm sick of it.

My husband is no help at all. He has private conversations with his parents, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to share any details with me. His family gets together for shopping trips, Bible seminars -- even getaway cruises. I am never included.

I am a likable person, Abby. I have many loyal, longtime friends and acquaintances. It's a mystery to me why my in-laws aren't kinder and more inclusive. As time goes by, it gets worse and worse. I love my children and my husband. But he is becoming more like them, and I feel increasingly isolated. I am desperately lonely for family fun and inclusiveness. Is this normal? -- THE OUTLAW IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR OUTLAW: For your husband's family to have treated you like an outsider all these years is deplorable. However, for your husband to tolerate it -- and cooperate with it -- is worse. It is betrayal. That said, you cannot change them. Your husband might see the light through counseling. However, if he refuses, it is time to ask yourself, seriously, if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, and if you're better off with him or without him.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of seven years, "Joy," and I are trying to get out of debt, so we work opposite shifts to save on child-care costs. We have two little ones, 6 and 2. (I work days and she works the night shift.)

Unfortunately, Joy's manager, "Vic," has had his eye on her for some time. Vic is married and nearly twice her age. I discovered e-mails they'd sent each other, which make clear that he is only after one thing. When I confronted my wife, she admitted making "one stupid mistake," then promised to cut him off.

On the home front, things were better than ever until I found a new e-mail from Vic that was "too hot to handle." When I called her on it, Joy told me she loves me and wants to keep our family together, but I can see she is still infatuated with Vic.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I contacted him directly and told him to lay off. Now I'm getting the cold shoulder from my wife.

I dearly love Joy and do not want to lose her. I am looking for a new job that will allow me to spend more time at home. What else can I do, Abby? -- WORRIED HUSBAND AND FATHER WHO WANTS TO MAKE IT WORK

DEAR WORRIED: You're not the only one who needs a job change. For the sake of your marriage, Joy must get away from her manager.

It may take time to heal your relationship, but marriage counseling for both of you can hasten the process. I wish you luck.

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DEAR ABBY: Last week, my 6-year-old daughter went to play at a classmate's house for the first time. When she came home, she told me that she and her little friend had seen a naughty video. Then she gave me a description of a couple engaged in an explicit sex act!

When I questioned her further, I was relieved to learn that she hadn't actually watched the video -- she had seen a picture on a video cover that had been left lying around. Even so, I was horrified because I felt a part of my child's innocence had been stolen. I deeply regret that I allowed her to go to her friend's home.

Now I don't know if I should confront the mother. I value our friendship and would not want to alienate her. My husband says to let it go and not allow our daughter to visit that friend's house anymore. They can play here instead. However, I feel strongly that the mother should know about the incident. What do you think, Abby? -- CONCERNED PARENT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED PARENT: Both girls are far too young to be exposed to adult entertainment. I agree with your husband that your daughter should not play at the friend's house. However, the mother should know what happened -- so tell her, woman to woman.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the midst of a romance with a wonderful young man I'll call Bob. I'm crazy about him, and we're planning on a future together. His parents are the nicest people in the world.

There is only one problem. They are both chain smokers, and secondhand smoke seriously irritates my lungs. It has made me so sick that I've been bedridden for a week.

Bob understands completely -- he's a nonsmoker -- and has talked to his mother and father at length about my sensitivity to smoke. They claim they're trying to stop and that they will not light up around me. But it's not happening. Every time I see them, they're sitting on the other side of the room with the windows open -- smoking.

Abby, I have tried to be nice about it. I love Bob and I like his folks. I don't want to lose him. What should I do? -- SMOKE-FREE IN THE DEEP SOUTH

DEAR SMOKE-FREE: Your health must come first. If they cannot master their addiction, under no circumstances should you be in a house, car or restaurant with them. If Bob loves you, he'll back you up.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and had been going with my boyfriend, "Chris," for only a month when I found out that my family is moving to Arizona at the end of August. When I told Chris, he said he didn't see the point of our relationship if I'm leaving, and he broke up with me.

My problem is I have very strong feelings for Chris, and I'm going to be here all summer. That's a long time. Chris and I still talk and have met casually on different occasions, but he thinks I should concentrate on getting ready to start my "new life" without him. What's your opinion, Abby? -- TEXAS "MISSY"

DEAR "MISSY": Chris may have a point. Maintain a friendship with him, but don't expect an exclusive relationship. Give him marks for being practical and rational. Stay in contact after the move. Who knows where things might lead when you are both older.

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