DEAR ABBY: I am still madly in love with my ex-girlfriend, "Holly," but all she feels for me is friendship. We talk on the phone daily, and she confides in me about her "guy trouble." I should tell you, she dumped me for an older guy. He has strung her along for months, and according to what Holly says, she's afraid he's about to blow her off.

Holly is in a lot of emotional pain right now. I'm trying my best to console her, but this situation tears me up. I'm so in love with her, I'd do anything to be with her -- but she's made it clear she's got it bad for the other guy.

Should I continue trying to be Holly's friend and advise her how to "hold on" to this guy? Or should I hang on and hope that she'll see the light? I'd be grateful for any advice. -- LOVESICK IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR LOVESICK: If she's asking you for advice on how to hang onto another man, it's safe to conclude that your romance is over. Accept it, extricate yourself and move on. Unless you like having your molars drilled without anesthetic, to continue with Holly would be folly.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from the faithful wife whose husband called her by another woman's name in his sleep, and who claims that his boss "demands" that he drive a female co-worker to and from work, I had to write.

My husband called me "Stephanie" at the dinner table for four years. He accused me of stealing money from accounts I didn't even know existed or was not a signatory on. He abandoned me for months on end, locking doors and sneaking out of the house. He called me filthy names and told me I was hideous.

At the time, his physician said his behavior was normal.

Three years later, after a divorce, loss of home, friends, status, club memberships and financial assets, my husband is in assisted living -- diagnosed with Alzheimer's and a rare bone cancer.

I miss certain aspects of our marriage. It is lonely being single. But I did not recognize, nor could I have known, what caused the disintegration of his personality. -- ROBERTA IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR ROBERTA: You have my sympathy, and so does your husband. I advise readers whose family members exhibit a sudden change in personality or behavior to notify their doctors so the person can be physically and neurologically evaluated. However, in your case the physician missed the warning signs.

Yes, being single can sometimes be lonely. But it is better than living with the abuse you described.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I always gave our two children money whenever they were in a tight spot. Now that I am a widow, money is tight, and I've lost most of my savings in the stock market.

The "children" are now approaching 50 and still ask me to bail them out. (I can hardly pay my own bills.) I know I must put a stop to this, Abby, so please help me find the right words. -- PENNY IN SILVER LAKE, CALIF.

DEAR PENNY: Tell your children you don't want to be a "Hard-Hearted Hannah," but "You Can't Give Them Anything but Love." It's the truth -- so stick by it. It's time for your "children" to change their tune and accept the fact that they are adults and should stand on their own two feet.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While I appreciated the irony of your response to "Ready and Willing in New York," subtlety may have been lost on him. He's the man who wants his wife to guarantee that she'll give him sex three times a week.

That poor woman has my sympathy. How could anyone feel romantic -- or ready and willing -- with a partner who made that kind of demand?

The fact that she wants to move to Albany and have her family help care for their four children might be an indication that he's not helping her enough. Ask any mother: Not getting the assistance or appreciation that you need in raising children is a surefire libido killer. -- NOT READY OR WILLING TO PUT UP WITH THAT IN D.C.

DEAR D.C.: Many readers had strong feelings about that husband and his attitude. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer, "Why limit yourself to three times a week?" was weak. Why didn't you tell that awful man what a jerk he is for thinking sex with your spouse can be used as a bargaining tool? What kind of person would demand that his wife make love to him like it was nothing more than a contract? Shame on him, and shame on you for not calling him on it! -- FURIOUS IN PHOENIX

DEAR FURIOUS: What kind of husband would demand sex as a payoff? A turkey in the hay, of course.

DEAR ABBY: Your message to "Ready and Willing" was right on. However, in all seriousness, this man should consider why his wife is not "giving him" the sex he wants. When a wife hears, "I deserve it because it is my marital right," she withdraws. No one wants to be treated that way. I have a hunch that even if they move to Albany, he won't be satisfied until he examines his behavior. -- MARJORIE IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR MARJORIE: Or examines his approach, which is about as romantic as an ice bath.

DEAR ABBY: Get out the wet noodle. Do the math. That woman is caring for four kids, the oldest of which couldn't be more than 10. She is tired! Your reply was not appreciated by other tired moms -- and we are legion. -- ALSO TIRED IN K.C.

DEAR ALSO TIRED: I meant no disrespect to tired moms.

DEAR ABBY: I just want to say I loved your tongue-in-cheek reply. -- MOTHER OF FOUR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER: I'm afraid my answer was interpreted as more foot-in-mouth than tongue-in-cheek.

DEAR ABBY: That wife should counteroffer and tell him his agreement is acceptable under the following terms:

(1) If the toilet seat is left up, subtract two sex days.

(2) If he nags or complains when asked to help around the house, subtract one "encounter" for each complaint.

(3) If he starts a project and leaves it unfinished, subtract one more.

Sex in marriage should not be about power and control. It should be about intimacy, love, and feeling close to your spouse. -- VALERIE IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR VALERIE: You're right. Many readers pointed out that intimacy in marriage is a result of cooperation, consideration and respect in every aspect of the partnership.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Today is Memorial Day. Don't forget to take a moment and, regardless of what your religious affiliation may be, offer a prayer for those brave souls who sacrificed their lives in the name of freedom. Blessed are they all.

DEAR ABBY: My 30-something girlfriend, "Heidi," is in her first year of business school. She is on a committee to organize the graduation party for students who will graduate next month.

It's going to be an all-night "affair" (good choice of words?), and will be held at a hotel, so the drinkers can stay overnight. Heidi is in charge of reserving a block of rooms, and for the past few weeks has been immersed in every detail of the event.

Heidi thinks there's nothing wrong with attending this graduation party as a member of the committee -- as well as staying overnight. I say it's a recipe for disaster. Your opinion is needed ASAP. -- DUMBFOUNDED BOYFRIEND IN NOVA SCOTIA

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED BOYFRIEND: Your girlfriend has worked hard to make this event a success, and I don't blame her for wanting to enjoy it. However, you know Heidi better than I do. If she has shown you in the past that she can't be trusted, you can't be blamed for feeling as you do.

P.S. If she has been as faithful as Fido -- YOU have an insecurity problem you had better deal with before you drive Heidi away.

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt and Confused in Oregon" didn't know what to make of the fact that her friend of many years suddenly stopped talking to her. You advised that the reason could be that there's something going on in her friend's life that she's not willing to share.

Anyone whose friend stops communicating -- seemingly for no reason -- should ask him- or herself the following questions:

(1) Are you a braggart? Do you boast incessantly about yourself, your family, your abilities, etc.? Maybe your friend got tired of hearing it.

(2) Are YOU the favorite topic of your conversation? Maybe your friend isn't as fascinated by you as you are!

(3) When something good happens to your friend, do you show genuine happiness, or do you exhibit jealousy and resentment?

(4) Do you encourage your friend and build him/her up -- or do you say things to dampen your friend's spirits, thereby bringing that person down?

Sometimes people say things that alienate others without realizing they are doing so. I speak from experience, Abby. Sign me ... HAD ENOUGH

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: There is always room for improvement. This may be a time when introspection is called for. If one's friends are bailing, an honest look in the mirror may be in order.

DEAR ABBY: At what age can one relinquish the role of godparent? My godchildren are now adults, and I simply cannot afford to keep doling out gifts. They never phone or visit; we have little contact unless I initiate it. Frankly, I'd like to hang up my title and retire gracefully. What is the etiquette on this? -- NO FAIRY GODMOTHER IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NO FAIRY GODMOTHER: There is no law that compels you to bestow gifts from the cradle to the grave -- their cradle and your grave. Send the grown "godchildren" a lovely card and your heartfelt good wishes.

P.S. I'll bet you get a phone call!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)