DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to be married in September to the most wonderful man in the world. We are wildly in love. We're both middle-aged with grown children from previous marriages, so we took our time and approached this relationship with caution. He is Jewish and I am gentile, but our families get along and are thrilled about our upcoming union.

My problem: With tensions over the political situation in the Middle East, anti-Semitism is on the rise where we live. Since the uncertainty of Sept. 11, my family has become concerned for my safety should I take on a Jewish-sounding name. My mother remembers the horror of World War II, so her fear is understandable. I would feel uncomfortable, however, NOT taking my husband's name. It would appear to the world that I am ashamed of his ethnicity or not accepting of it.

How can I reassure my family that I am doing the right thing? I love them dearly and don't want them to worry, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do this. -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN FERNDALE, MICH.

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Bigotry seems to be a problem that refuses to die, and almost anyone can be a target. No matter how much we might wish otherwise, if people are determined enough, they will always find something to dislike about another person or group.

Hatred against entire groups is usually caused by ignorance or a perceived economic threat. Please tell your mother that it is no more dangerous to be a Jew in this country than it is to be an African-American, a Hispanic, an Asian or an Arab. Most bigots are cowards -- and don't act out violently.

And while we're on this subject, read on for another example:

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, a co-worker who is Belgian (and speaks French, Flemish and English) made an important presentation to a prospective client.

Upon hearing his accent, the client said that before he would even consider the proposal, my co-worker would have to prove he was not French. This is obviously because of the French government's policies toward the war in Iraq. What do you think of the client's behavior? -- SHOCKED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SHOCKED: People who indulge in that kind of thinking have a lot of growing up to do. I think such an attitude is asinine -- on par with "freedom fries," "freedom toast" and "freedom kissing."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Whitney" for more than a year and have decided to propose. My problem is I was recently laid off from my job and don't have enough money to buy an engagement ring.

Would it be improper to ask Whitney to marry me without giving her a ring right now, or should I wait to ask her when I have the money to buy her a ring? -- STONE BROKE IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR STONE BROKE: Tell Whitney how you feel about her, and ask her if she would like to become engaged or wait until you can give her a traditional engagement ring. You might be pleased to learn that having an engagement ring is less important to her than having you as her future husband. After all, a ring is just a symbol. The real "jewel" is the person you marry.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman married almost 28 years. The last 12 have not been good. In 1984, my husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and a drug was prescribed to control his blood sugar. His doctor urged him to maintain a healthy diet and to exercise. He has not done well with his disease -- and continues to smoke.

Three months ago, I found out that he stopped taking his medication. This has led him to be a more volatile person than he already was. He's smashed furniture and broken things. My husband has never hit me or our two daughters, but he has thrown things in my direction. When he flies into a rage, he is terrifying.

Our girls are now 21 and 18. The older one is being married this summer, and we are busy planning the wedding. Because of our current financial situation, I don't think we can give her the wedding of her dreams, but my husband promised her $10,000. Abby, I honestly don't know where it's going to come from because I recently discovered he has accrued credit card debt to the tune of $75,000. I cannot begin to tell you how stressed I am over all this.

My spouse does not seem to be worried about any of it, and I am at a loss. I'm not working right now, but intend to find a job to help us get out of debt. I know wedding vows say "in sickness and in health," but what if one partner is not taking care of himself?

I am trying to decide whether it would be wise for me to move out of state and live with my mother, and let my husband try to straighten out his life.

I'll be honest. It's been a long time since I've been touched by a man. My husband is impotent and won't seek help for this, either. I have repeatedly begged him to attend a men's diabetic support group, but he refuses.

I'd like a nice companion with whom to walk through life, but the mere thought makes me feel guilty. Thanks for letting me unburden myself. These secrets have been with me for too long. -- WANTS A LIFE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WANTS A LIFE: As sad as it is, your husband appears to have decided not to get the help he so desperately needs. You should tell his doctor about his temper and that he has stopped taking his medication. His life could depend on it.

Next, tell your daughter the financial facts of life about her wedding plans. She needs to know the truth now so she can realistically plan her budget.

Then talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself from the consequences of your husband's financial irresponsibility.

I see nothing wrong with going to your mother's to regroup and to get some T.L.C. while you plan how you're going to spend the rest of your life. Counseling will help. You are overdue.

DEAR ABBY: I am only 11, but I'm having boy trouble. I like this guy whose name is "Rusty." He is in the fifth grade with me. He asked me to meet him at the movie. I said yes, but my parents said no, and I didn't show. Now he hates me. What should I do? -- SAD CHICK, ANNISTON, ALA.

DEAR SAD CHICK: Being stood up is humiliating. Rusty probably feels more hurt than hate. A step in the right direction would be to apologize for standing him up and explain the reason why you did it. That way, he will know YOU don't hate HIM.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a Navy wife. My husband is deployed to the Persian Gulf. Since his departure, I find myself worrying most of the time, and I would like to do something constructive. I'd like to get a job, because frankly, I could use the extra income, but I don't know where to start.

We recently moved to Norfolk, Va., but will probably have to relocate again when my husband returns to the States, so I can't commit to a long-term position. Since you do such a wonderful job assisting families with all kinds of issues, have you any suggestions for me?

Thank you in advance. -- ELIZABETH GUIDRY, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR ELIZABETH: I admire your "take action" approach to coping with the stress and separation, and I agree that a job would be a terrific outlet. I consulted a friend at the Department of the Navy, who suggests that you look into a program called Adecco Career Accelerator. It's a partnership between the Department of the Navy and a worldwide staffing company called Adecco, specifically designed for military spouses -- active and reserve -- who have difficulty finding work because of frequent relocations.

Adecco recruiters provide military spouses with career counseling, training and job placement -- at no cost to the military or the spouses. The company then places people in a wide range of positions, from administrative to technical, financial and light industrial, which provides a variety of options. Another advantage of this program is that vacation and other benefits transfer with you when you move. The program isn't hard to find. It operates on or near almost every Navy and Marine Corps base in the country.

Military spouses are a valuable untapped reservoir of talent and resources. We should all recognize the important contributions of military spouses not only in the lives of their families, but also to our nation. I salute each and every one of you, and support your efforts.

To locate the nearest Adecco office, visit www.usadecco.com/careeraccelerator/.

DEAR ABBY: "Humiliated in the Rocky Mountains" said she had found evidence on their computer that her husband was cheating. She did not mention what the "evidence" was, but if it's e-mails, she should be very cautious about accusing her husband because things aren't always as they seem.

I set up an e-mail address for my dog, Chester. I give out his address whenever a Web site requires an e-mail address and I do not wish to receive e-mails from them.

Just last night, Chester received an e-mail from "Ginger." The subject was, "Thanks for the great time last night, Tiger!" While Chester is a fun-loving dog, he is not THAT friendly. I had him "fixed" when he was a year old.

It turned out to be an unsolicited e-mail ("spam") advertising a pornographic Web site. Had I received that e-mail and my wife had seen it, goodness knows what she'd think. -- KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON CHESTER, NORTHBROOK, ILL.

DEAR KEEPING: Thank you for pointing this out. Your letter may save someone's marriage from going to the dogs.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)