DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Rick," recently went to court to get custody of his 1-year-old son. He and the boy's mother, "Ellen," never married. Ellen took the baby out of state while Rick was at work and without his knowledge. Rick convinced her to return, then got a restraining order and filed for custody.

The judge ("Hizzoner") ruled in my brother's favor, giving him primary custody with joint legal custody.

Immediately after the hearing, Hizzoner spoke with Ellen and invited her to come to work for him as a nanny for his children. He offered her room and board, tuition for college and the use of a vehicle. Ellen accepted and moved to the town where Hizzoner lives. The arrangement did not work out. Ellen didn't like his children and was homesick, so Hizzoner paid for Ellen to return home. Yesterday, he was in town and invited Ellen to lunch.

Abby, isn't this a conflict of interest? Isn't this unethical conduct? If Rick has to go back to court, wouldn't Hizzoner have to excuse himself from the case because following the original hearing he has kept in constant contact with the defendant? -- APPALLED IN NEVADA

DEAR APPALLED: The answers to your questions are "yes," "yes" and "yes." And this whole story should be explained to whoever represents your brother at that time. Frankly, your story has raised more than a few eyebrows here in California -- and I'm sure it will in other venues as well.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my husband, "Lyle," and my ex, "Charlie." They work together. Lyle and I are newlyweds, and he knows only too well the misery I went through with Charlie. In spite of that, Lyle goes to Charlie's apartment for drinks almost every night after work.

I don't like it when Lyle goes out drinking instead of coming home after work. Charlie knows how I feel, yet he continues to invite Lyle over. I suspect Charlie is trying to cause problems -- and it's working -- for the simple reason that Lyle isn't smart enough to say no.

Last night, Lyle went to Charlie's to "throw back a few." When he came home, we had a big fight and he said some very hurtful things to me. Then he stormed off in his truck. We haven't spoken since.

I am at the point where I want to tell Lyle that he needs to choose: me or my ex! What should I do? -- SICK OF IT IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR SICK OF IT: Although it's tempting, I'd recommend against giving your husband an ultimatum. If you do, it could be the end of your marriage. However, if you think this is history repeating itself, it might be time for you to rethink this recent marriage.

It's interesting that both of your husbands have made it a habit to drink after work. Since it is having a negative impact on your present marriage, perhaps it's time for you to contact Al-Anon so that Lyle's problem does not become your problem.

DEAR ABBY: A reader once asked what your definition of love is. Richard Burton said it quite well: "Love is the highest form of tolerance." -- ANNIE FROM FLORIDA

DEAR ANNIE: He ought to have known. He was not only a talented actor -- he was tolerant more than once in his lifetime.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, everyone!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 32 years, "Grady," and I have been cordially separated for more than three years. The word "divorce" has never been mentioned. He still comes to my house, uses the family computer and helps himself to my newspaper, food and drink. Grady is always here when the children come home, and we spend every holiday and birthday together as a family. I have never restricted his comings and goings. In fact, we get along better now than ever.

Recently, some suspicious behavior on his part led me to check his e-mail. He has no password (and I know I should not have snooped), but I felt I needed to know what was going on. My suspicions were confirmed when I found some correspondence between him and a woman from his distant past. He's apparently gone out with her and has written her love poems on the computer in my living room! The worst part is that he has told our children about this woman and sworn them to secrecy, but said nothing to me.

I feel used, betrayed, angry, scared and embarrassed all at the same time. Should I confront him? Or should I keep pretending I don't know? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer. -- THE LAST TO KNOW IN KOKOMO

P.S. The truth is, the idea of growing old alone frightens me.

DEAR LAST TO KNOW: Although you shouldn't have snooped, perhaps it's just as well that you did. You have been clinging to the illusion of something long gone, and at the same time, your husband has been enjoying the best of both worlds.

Speak up and clear the air. As soon as you do, everything will be out in the open and your children won't have the burden of keeping such a big secret. You and your husband are long overdue in clarifying exactly what your future is going to be -- together or apart. The status quo is unfair to you.

DEAR ABBY: I think my husband, "Vinnie," is having an affair. For the past 11 months, he has refused to have sex with me. He has even called me by another woman's name in his sleep.

Vinnie drives a company car and has picked up a co-worker, "Rita," every morning for the past three years. He says his boss demands that he drive her to and from work.

In the past year when we've been out with his co-workers' friends, they say to me, "Oh, you must be Rita." It makes me feel like a total idiot. Vinnie makes light of this and says I am being insecure and paranoid.

I caught Vinnie in an affair several years ago -- pants down. He said it was because he was drunk. He apologized and stopped drinking, but has recently started imbibing again. I might understand Vinnie wandering if I had let myself go, but I weigh the same as the day we were married. I have been faithful and I serve him a hot meal every night.

Abby, I have invested a lot in our relationship and am reluctant to chuck it all. However, I am at my wit's end and am tempted to let him go and see a lawyer. What's your advice? -- SMELLING THE COFFEE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SMELLING THE COFFEE: Perhaps it's time to really get to know the man you married. You need facts instead of innuendo and suspicion. One way to accomplish this would be to hire a private investigator to keep tabs on Vinnie for a month. After that, you'll know whether your marriage is worth saving.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am very worried about my 12-year-old daughter, "Carrie." She's in seventh grade. The other night, I came across a letter she was writing to a girlfriend from school. It said, "I have 'Frenched' with him twice in the hallway.'" I was shocked! After taking a little while to get it together, I calmly asked Carrie about it. She refused to explain.

Abby, this is a girl who wanted (and got) a Barbie Talking Dream House for Christmas! How can she be French- kissing anyone?

Carrie and I have always been close, but now I realize she has confided in me less and less over the last several months. As she's gotten older, I'm afraid I don't know who she is anymore.

Her father and I are separated. He is currently enrolled in a 28-day alcohol recovery program. Carrie has not had much of a relationship with him for a couple of years now. I know that you are going to suggest counseling, and I am not opposed to that. However, my real question is, how do I convince my daughter to go? I know she'll fight it, and I hate the idea of forcing her to do anything. -- WORRIED AND CONFUSED MOM IN DELAWARE

DEAR MOM: If you haven't already done so, it is time for you to have a frank mother-daughter talk with your daughter about sex, and the responsibilities that go with it. Children are maturing faster than ever, and Carrie is right on schedule. There are many books for parents and teens on this important subject.

After you have done that, family counseling will improve your level of communication. As long as she knows the counseling isn't being aimed solely at her, she'll be less likely to object. As a member of the family, Carrie should be included.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old, college-educated, single woman. I have a good job and own my own home. A few months ago, I met "Willie," a divorced man who is a couple of years younger than me. We initially exchanged e-mails, then met in person after several weeks. Willie is also well-educated and has a good job. We are extremely compatible, and our relationship has progressed to the point that we are now discussing marriage.

The problem is my mother and single, older sister disapprove of me spending time with Willie. They say I don't spend enough time with them and he is trying to separate us.

When we began dating, I invited Mom and my sister to join us for dinners. All my offers were refused. Willie did spend Christmas with us, but it was awkward.

I have told them how much Willie and I care for each other and that marriage is a possibility, but every time I see them, all they do is complain about my relationship.

Wouldn't you think that when I finally found someone, they would be supportive? What can I do to make this a more peaceful situation? -- TORN IN ALABAMA

DEAR TORN: If the only concern your mother and sister have about Willie is the fact that your relationship leaves you with less time to spend with them, the problem is theirs, and you should not make it yours. Neither should you put yourself into the thankless position of being the family peacemaker. I have a feeling no man will ever measure up to their "standards." Follow you heart and have a happy, fulfilling life.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)