DEAR ABBY: My husband of 32 years, "Grady," and I have been cordially separated for more than three years. The word "divorce" has never been mentioned. He still comes to my house, uses the family computer and helps himself to my newspaper, food and drink. Grady is always here when the children come home, and we spend every holiday and birthday together as a family. I have never restricted his comings and goings. In fact, we get along better now than ever.

Recently, some suspicious behavior on his part led me to check his e-mail. He has no password (and I know I should not have snooped), but I felt I needed to know what was going on. My suspicions were confirmed when I found some correspondence between him and a woman from his distant past. He's apparently gone out with her and has written her love poems on the computer in my living room! The worst part is that he has told our children about this woman and sworn them to secrecy, but said nothing to me.

I feel used, betrayed, angry, scared and embarrassed all at the same time. Should I confront him? Or should I keep pretending I don't know? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer. -- THE LAST TO KNOW IN KOKOMO

P.S. The truth is, the idea of growing old alone frightens me.

DEAR LAST TO KNOW: Although you shouldn't have snooped, perhaps it's just as well that you did. You have been clinging to the illusion of something long gone, and at the same time, your husband has been enjoying the best of both worlds.

Speak up and clear the air. As soon as you do, everything will be out in the open and your children won't have the burden of keeping such a big secret. You and your husband are long overdue in clarifying exactly what your future is going to be -- together or apart. The status quo is unfair to you.

DEAR ABBY: I think my husband, "Vinnie," is having an affair. For the past 11 months, he has refused to have sex with me. He has even called me by another woman's name in his sleep.

Vinnie drives a company car and has picked up a co-worker, "Rita," every morning for the past three years. He says his boss demands that he drive her to and from work.

In the past year when we've been out with his co-workers' friends, they say to me, "Oh, you must be Rita." It makes me feel like a total idiot. Vinnie makes light of this and says I am being insecure and paranoid.

I caught Vinnie in an affair several years ago -- pants down. He said it was because he was drunk. He apologized and stopped drinking, but has recently started imbibing again. I might understand Vinnie wandering if I had let myself go, but I weigh the same as the day we were married. I have been faithful and I serve him a hot meal every night.

Abby, I have invested a lot in our relationship and am reluctant to chuck it all. However, I am at my wit's end and am tempted to let him go and see a lawyer. What's your advice? -- SMELLING THE COFFEE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SMELLING THE COFFEE: Perhaps it's time to really get to know the man you married. You need facts instead of innuendo and suspicion. One way to accomplish this would be to hire a private investigator to keep tabs on Vinnie for a month. After that, you'll know whether your marriage is worth saving.

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DEAR ABBY: I am very worried about my 12-year-old daughter, "Carrie." She's in seventh grade. The other night, I came across a letter she was writing to a girlfriend from school. It said, "I have 'Frenched' with him twice in the hallway.'" I was shocked! After taking a little while to get it together, I calmly asked Carrie about it. She refused to explain.

Abby, this is a girl who wanted (and got) a Barbie Talking Dream House for Christmas! How can she be French- kissing anyone?

Carrie and I have always been close, but now I realize she has confided in me less and less over the last several months. As she's gotten older, I'm afraid I don't know who she is anymore.

Her father and I are separated. He is currently enrolled in a 28-day alcohol recovery program. Carrie has not had much of a relationship with him for a couple of years now. I know that you are going to suggest counseling, and I am not opposed to that. However, my real question is, how do I convince my daughter to go? I know she'll fight it, and I hate the idea of forcing her to do anything. -- WORRIED AND CONFUSED MOM IN DELAWARE

DEAR MOM: If you haven't already done so, it is time for you to have a frank mother-daughter talk with your daughter about sex, and the responsibilities that go with it. Children are maturing faster than ever, and Carrie is right on schedule. There are many books for parents and teens on this important subject.

After you have done that, family counseling will improve your level of communication. As long as she knows the counseling isn't being aimed solely at her, she'll be less likely to object. As a member of the family, Carrie should be included.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old, college-educated, single woman. I have a good job and own my own home. A few months ago, I met "Willie," a divorced man who is a couple of years younger than me. We initially exchanged e-mails, then met in person after several weeks. Willie is also well-educated and has a good job. We are extremely compatible, and our relationship has progressed to the point that we are now discussing marriage.

The problem is my mother and single, older sister disapprove of me spending time with Willie. They say I don't spend enough time with them and he is trying to separate us.

When we began dating, I invited Mom and my sister to join us for dinners. All my offers were refused. Willie did spend Christmas with us, but it was awkward.

I have told them how much Willie and I care for each other and that marriage is a possibility, but every time I see them, all they do is complain about my relationship.

Wouldn't you think that when I finally found someone, they would be supportive? What can I do to make this a more peaceful situation? -- TORN IN ALABAMA

DEAR TORN: If the only concern your mother and sister have about Willie is the fact that your relationship leaves you with less time to spend with them, the problem is theirs, and you should not make it yours. Neither should you put yourself into the thankless position of being the family peacemaker. I have a feeling no man will ever measure up to their "standards." Follow you heart and have a happy, fulfilling life.

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DEAR ABBY: I hope the woman whose niece is marrying the rich doctor who wants her to sign a prenup sees my letter. When "Harold" and I married, he had considerably more property and a bigger income than I did. I wanted him and his adult children to know I wasn't after his money, so I volunteered to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Harold's attorney drew up the agreement, and I foolishly signed it without reading it. I assumed that anything either of us owned prior to our marriage would remain our respective personal properties -- but that after we married, we'd accumulate assets together.

Early on, it became clear that Harold wanted our finances kept separate. We never had a joint checking account, and he made me feel like I needed his permission to spend a penny. So I kept my job and never once asked Harold for money.

Well, I finally got around to reading the agreement I had signed. To my astonishment, it specified that we would never own anything jointly, nor have access to anything the other acquired during our marriage. I was crushed. In my eyes, that document made a mockery of our union. I told Harold I didn't know I had married someone who cared so little about my welfare. He maintained that the agreement was a standard prenup.

After that, I knew I had to "make my own way." I divorced Harold, got a higher-paying job and bought a home. I feel more secure now than I did during our entire marriage.

The sad part is, Harold and I always got along great. It was only our difference of opinion about money that wrecked our marriage. Now I am asking myself if I made too big a deal over the whole thing. Abby, your opinion, please. -- ON MY OWN IN TEXAS

DEAR ON YOUR OWN: A prenuptial agreement is supposed to be a pact that is satisfactory to both parties regarding the division of property should anything happen to either one of them or to the marriage. Such agreements are usually negotiated, and as with any legal document, should not be signed unless it has been carefully read and understood -- and checked by an independent attorney. Your mistake was not taking the document to a lawyer of your own and having it explained to you before signing it.

In my opinion, Harold took advantage of your trust. And no, you did not make "too big a deal" out of the whole thing. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I used to be against prenuptial agreements. Now, after a nasty divorce from my ex, who bilked me out of my inheritance from my grandmother and walked away with 90 percent of the assets we acquired during our marriage, I'm sorry I didn't insist on one. I have since remarried, and thought you'd like to know how my current husband describes a prenup: He says the agreement is like saying, "I love you so much that I'm willing to protect you from what 'I' might do if we ever split up." In essence, you are protecting not only yourself, but the person you love. A noble sentiment to be sure. -- HAPPILY MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS

DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: The document actually does more than that, but I like your husband's definition. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I signed a prenup with my fiance before we married. It was nerve-racking, but we worked it out. The document protects us both. It gave my fiance the peace of mind that I loved him, not his money. And it protects me because I know I'll have financial stability should we ever divorce. My parents thought I was foolish to sign it, but I think they were foolish to object. -- SECURE AND HAPPY

DEAR SECURE AND HAPPY: You're not only secure and happy, but you are also a smart woman.

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