DEAR ABBY: "Allison," the daughter of a longtime friend, is being married in grand fashion this summer. Another friend and I planned to give her a kitchen and tool shower in the spring. The other day, Allison called and told me she didn't think the theme we chose would "net" her the caliber of gifts she wants. Then she had the nerve to tell me to change the theme to a crystal, silver and china shower.

My friend and I are hurt that Allison doesn't consider our party plan to be good enough. We don't want to alienate Allison or her family, but we also think she needs to learn a lesson about being a gracious recipient. The invitations announcing the original theme have already been printed. We would like your objective opinion about what to do. -- MIFFED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MIFFED: Inform the bride-to-be that the invitations have already been printed and it's too late to change the theme. This doesn't mean you're throwing cold water on Allison's wish to receive "high-caliber" gifts. It simply means another friend, aunt or cousin will have the honor of hosting an additional shower with a theme of Allison's choosing.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 9-year-old boy. Are there any specific signs I should look for regarding when he is ready to be told the facts of life? His friends at school told him that kissing is "having sex." I am afraid our son will get the wrong idea, because he sees his father and me kissing several times every day. -- MILWAUKEE MOM

DEAR MOM: The time to talk to your son is now, before he absorbs any more misinformation from his friends. Children are maturing earlier than ever before. Add to that the messages they get -- both spoken and unspoken -- from living in our society, and regrettably, the fantasy of an "innocent childhood" is laughable. Parents should be mindful of this, and start the discussion when the opportunity arises.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hector," showed up at my office the day before Valentine's Day with a dozen red roses. I was thrilled, because we'd been having major "relationship issues," and he hadn't given me flowers in ages.

When Hector handed me the bouquet, he informed me that he had extracted two roses for the receptionists at the front desk. When I told him he shouldn't have, his answer was, "You should be happy I'm nice to your co-workers -- they're probably envious that you have such a good man." At that point I asked him who he was trying to impress -- them or me?

To make matters worse, Hector then announced that the next day (Valentine's Day) he would be hooking up with a female friend who was in town. He planned to take her, his brother and another female friend out to dinner. I was not included. To add insult to injury, Hector had the nerve to ask me to baby-sit his brother's kids. The out-of-town friend is someone we have both known for years, but every time she visits, my "boyfriend" excludes me. What do you make of all this? Sign me ... DITCHED IN DEL MAR, CALIF.

DEAR DITCHED: Wake up and smell the flowers. Hector likes to impress many ladies and is not ready to make an exclusive commitment to you or anyone. Be grateful you found out now, and move on. Your signature says it all. You have, indeed, been ditched.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: On Wednesday, April 2, people across the country will observe the National Day of Hope for abused children, part of National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Its goal is to raise public awareness so that each of us will have the power to help an abused child if we so choose.

On a typical day, three children in the United States will die as a result of child abuse in the home. A report of known or suspected child abuse or neglect will be made to the authorities every 10 seconds. However, most people who witness an actual incident of child abuse will not report it.

We urge everyone: If you see something or hear something -- DO SOMETHING. Suspicion of neglect or abuse is sufficient to make a report.

For information or local reporting numbers, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), 24 hours a day. All calls are anonymous and confidential.

You can also help by keeping abused children in your thoughts and prayers. Learn the signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect so you can recognize the red flags when you see them. For additional ways to participate, visit www.childhelpusa.org.

Please join us as we share the light of hope for abused children. -- SARA O'MEARA AND YVONNE FEDDERSON, CO-FOUNDERS, CHILDHELP USA

DEAR SARA AND YVONNE: I hope your letter generates the attention it deserves. Children are some of our most vulnerable citizens. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of child abuse:

Physical abuse: unexplained burns, cuts, bruises or welts in the shape of an object; problems in school; fear of adults.

Emotional abuse: apathy; depression; lack of concentration.

Sexual abuse: inappropriate interest or knowledge of sexual acts; overcompliance or excessive aggression; fear of a particular person or family member.

Neglect: unsuitable clothing for weather; extreme hunger; apparent lack of supervision.

I caution readers to be aware that these are only indicators, and if people see them they should check into the situation more thoroughly. One should not immediately jump to conclusions based on one or two general symptoms.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Kit," has been living with me for almost four years, and our love for each other is stronger than ever. Kit has asked me to marry her many times, but I always divert her attention or change the subject.

The truth is, I don't believe in marriage and would rather have Kit as my girlfriend for the rest of my life. What scares me is the fact that my last girlfriend dumped me when I leveled with her about how I never want to marry.

Please tell me what to do because I don't want to lose Kit. -- FOREVER SINGLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR FOREVER SINGLE: First of all, level with Kit about how you feel and why. While it may seem romantic to have a girlfriend forever, mature people want to take care of those they love. There are legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. Your lawyer can explain them to you. As things stand, if something were to happen to you, Kit would be left with nothing but memories. Is that what you want?

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death in Minnesota" described her husband as forcing her to sit for hours listening to him criticize her. She detailed how he had moved her far from friends and family, and if anyone called or came to visit, how he would alienate them. You called his behavior abuse, and advised that she no longer allow him to isolate her, and that she should find a job if she didn't already have one.

I am familiar with that pattern of behavior, Abby. May I offer a few additional thoughts?

If "Talked to Death" can get away from him, she should do it. And when her husband realizes he's losing control, she must be prepared for it, because his behavior will intensify. She should go elsewhere to telephone her old friends (with a calling card), get help, find a job, stay positive and move forward. -- RECOVERING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR RECOVERING: How kind of you to reach out to her, and to other people in verbally abusive relationships. It seems the spouse's actions are classic. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death" must run as though her life depends on it, because it could. Fortunately, my family dragged me away while I still had a spark of self-esteem left. I spent more than 40 years "hoping things would change." They did -- they got worse. Tell her she's in my thoughts and prayers. I'm happier and more secure in every way since I got away. -- LIBERATED IN IOWA

DEAR LIBERATED: I'm not surprised you're doing better. You have rediscovered your self-worth.

One point I would like to add: When leaving an abuser, an escape plan should be worked out in advance, and the abuser should have no warning. Abusers are control freaks and can be unpredictable.

DEAR ABBY: After years of degradation, I finally left. My abuser had sought counseling (once) and was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). However, that became his excuse for everything he did. Nothing changed. He simply had an illness on which to blame his actions.

Medications can help to ease this disorder, especially when used with behavior modification therapy. But if "Talked to Death's" husband doesn't accept responsibility for his actions, she must get out before her self-esteem is damaged beyond repair.

It's never too late to start over. I'm now remarried, and happier than I ever thought possible to a man who treats me with love, dignity and respect. -- ELATED IN TEXAS

DEAR ELATED: Good for you. People who love each other try to help build on their strengths, not capitalize on their weaknesses.

DEAR ABBY: I was the same as that woman's husband. I was a control freak. No one had an opinion better than mine. I never had anything nice to say to anyone about anything. Everyone had something wrong with them. I am now in counseling and have discovered that I am the problem.

I hope that husband gets help, or that "Talked to Death" gets away before it goes any further. Perhaps then her husband will realize that because of his mouth, he has no one left, and he, too, will finally get the help he so desperately needs. -- FEELING BETTER ABOUT ME IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING BETTER: Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they'll admit they have a problem and seek help. It takes courage to step back and look squarely in the mirror instead of blaming others for problems. I commend you for doing so.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)