DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Vic in Graham, N.C.," who arranged a sexual experience for his friend, "Kent," who is 95 percent paralyzed. It's a controversial subject that needed airing. Thank you, too, for your direct and supportive reply in which you confirmed that (a) people with disabilities DO have sexual feelings; (b) healthy relationships build self-esteem; (c) projecting personal moral values on an adult who is dependent is wrong; and (d) people with disabilities should be encouraged to live life as fully as possible.

My brother became a paraplegic at 17. This April he turns 47. For the last seven years he has been happily married. I know there were times following his accident when, as a single man, he contacted escort services, and I supported his choice. It not only countered major depression, but restored self-confidence, and also confirmed that while his life had dramatically changed, he was still LIVING. -- TOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR TOM: The letter from "Vic" touched me so deeply I knew it had to be printed, and the reply came from my heart. The mail I have received regarding that letter has been both moving and educational. People with disabilities have rights –- human rights and legal rights -– to live life as fully as possible. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I speak as a retired Christian pastor who has seen the hurt that "traditional values" unfairly inflict on people like "Kent" and "Vic." Our society has failed miserably to understand the emotional and sexual needs of people with disabilities. Since we have no institutionally sanctioned means of responding to such needs, I believe "Vic" took the next best alternative.

I hope you will initiate vigorous dialogue on this subject and raise new awareness. Thank you for your sensitive and caring statement. -- CONCERNED CLERIC IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED CLERIC: Thank you for speaking out -- although if my mail is any indication, many other Christians do not share your view.

DEAR ABBY: I know the pain "Kent" is feeling. I have been paralyzed for four years. Women ignore me completely now that I am in a chair. I am lonely and yearn for female attention. People don't realize how normal people in wheelchairs are. I am the same as they are. I just cannot move.

For "Kent's" parents to be so narrow-minded is terrible. He shouldn't be locked up and isolated. Fortunately, my own parents are more understanding, but it is still difficult for them to understand how important female companionship is to me. -- BEEN THERE IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Bless them for putting your happiness first.

DEAR ABBY: I am an adult protective services worker. Providing care for a person does not confer the right to control. In Oregon, isolating adults who are physically disabled for this or any other reason is a violation of their rights and state law.

"Vic" should call the local disability services office and speak to an adult protective services screener or investigator. The goal is not to "call in the law" on "Kent's" parents or punish them, but to help them gain a clear understanding of the rights of adults no matter what their physical condition or care requirements. -- AN APS WORKER IN OREGON

DEAR APS WORKER: Obviously, "Kent's" parents need to gain insight. Education is the answer. More on this important subject tomorrow.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son, "Bradley," was conceived by artificial insemination using an anonymous donor. His father and I divorced when our child was very young, and Brad has never been told the truth about his conception. However, a handful of people on both sides of the family DO know. Over the years, Brad's father has provided minimal financial and emotional support for our son. (My ex has remarried; I have not.)

I have been advised by my minister to tell Bradley the truth now. However, I am being told by my mother that Brad should never be told, and we should just hope that no one spills the beans.

Have you any thoughts on a situation such as this? -- WORRIED MOM IN CHICAGO

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Your mother is well-meaning, but your minister is right. Your son should be told the truth. There is no shame in it, and because other family members already know, the boy needs to hear it from you before he hears it from someone else. Better now than later.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, I've had an exclusive relationship with "Bernie." We're both in our mid-20s and live in the same neighborhood. A month ago, Bernie broke up with me. He said he hadn't gotten over the pain of a previous relationship and wasn't ready to get serious. He said he wanted to remain "friends," but every so often he'd do something that made me feel like I still meant something to him.

One night last week we went to a movie, grabbed a bite to eat and ended up at his place. Bernie sweetly asked me to stay the night and I was overjoyed. The next morning he said it had been a mistake -– his feelings for me had not changed.

We haven't talked since then, and I feel hurt and devalued. Am I overreacting? -- CONFUSED IN BROOKLYN

DEAR CONFUSED: I don't think so. Bernie knew he had a sitting duck and his behavior wasn't sportsmanlike. Accept the fact that you and he have different goals and move on. Once you have started dating someone else, you can revisit the issue of a friendship with Bernie. (I'll bet you decide against it.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," presented me with a ring made of cheap, colored stones that cost him three days' pay. Nobody treats me like I'm engaged because my ring doesn't look like an engagement ring. Meanwhile, I am surrounded by women at work who have beautiful solitaire engagement rings.

Todd never makes any effort in bed. He takes his pleasure and gives me none. He keeps a photo scrapbook of his former girlfriends and continues to take them out to dinner during the week. If I object, he says they're just "gal pals," and I'm being unreasonable.

On weekends -– which is the only time I see him -– Todd says he's "too tired" or "too broke" to take me to dinner and a movie. Am I right to feel cheated? -- MAD AND SAD IN MISSOURI

DEAR MAD AND SAD: From what you have written, Todd is meeting none of your needs –- materially, physically or emotionally. If you continue this relationship, you are only cheating yourself.

A word to the wise: Ask yourself why you are with him. Only you can answer that.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Stan," and his wife, "Meg," do not have the best of marriages. When they fight, they have mouths that should be washed out, bleached and rinsed with holy water. I have a granddaughter who is 7 and a 10-year-old grandson who have seen and heard things no kids should.

I have scolded Stan and Meg for using obscenities in front of their children. My son was not raised this way, but when I speak my mind, Meg says she's the mama -- not me.

I am a firm believer that children learn by example, and my grandchildren are not being provided a good one. When the kids are with their granddad and me, we try to instill values and explain things to them when they ask. I just hope they grow up understanding that not everyone lives and talks the way their parents do. Your thoughts, please. -- CARING GRANDMA IN A LITTLE TEXAS TOWN

DEAR CARING GRANDMA: I agree that, for better or worse, youngsters learn more from the example their parents set than from any lecture. Your grandchildren are being done a tremendous disserve. They are being taught that verbal abuse and profanity are normal. By indulging themselves in this behavior, your son and his wife are shirking their parental duties. Please continue to interact with your grandchildren as often as possible so they can have positive role models.

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, my husband and I have noticed that you often advise couples to seek marriage counseling. We've been married 25 years and want to offer a few thoughts:

First, there is a misconception that "going to counseling" is a sign that the marriage is failing. We have benefited from counseling several times. We are strong-willed people who sometimes have trouble getting past things that bother us, including dreams and goals that conflict with each other. The way we express ourselves can sometimes be detrimental, too. While we can work through most of these disagreements, we have found outside counsel very helpful at times.

Second, there are a variety of ways a couple can get counseling. Many churches have caring couples in successful marriages who are trusted by the pastoral staff to counsel other couples. These couples are usually warm and generous and have a lot of wisdom to share.

We also recommend that engaged couples seek counseling before they marry. We wish we had been given real counseling at that point in our lives. There were hidden issues that an experienced counselor could have pointed out to us -- our different philosophies about handling money, raising children, relationships with extended family, career, etc.

A marriage requires work by both individuals in order for it to grow. There is no shame in reaching out for guidance when needed, and no sense in waiting until things are out of control. -- WENDY AND BILL NICKOLEY, ROCKAWAY, N.J.

DEAR WENDY AND BILL: I often recommend counseling because the problems in the letters I receive are usually just the tip of the iceberg. I agree that couples should seek help while trouble is brewing instead of waiting until the pot has boiled over. However, for those who are unaffiliated or who would rather not get church-based counseling, a call to one's physician requesting a referral can also be effective.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)