DEAR ABBY: I do not typically write to advice columnists, but the plea from the 16-year-old from Santa Rosa, who asked how to help her friend who has an eating disorder, touched me. I was in a similar situation -- my friend was anorexic. I, too, was afraid of betraying her, but my fear for her life finally overrode that.

Sobbing, I called her parents and talked with her mother. My friend was furious and refused to speak to me for a long time. I felt guilty for revealing her secret.

Her parents thanked me and saw that she got much-needed help. Today she is healthy, happily married and has children of her own. And we are friends again.

I want that young lady to know that it's OK -- even if it feels wrong -- to tell the truth, to ask for help, and yes, to betray a trust if it's a matter of life and death. Bulimia, and any other eating disorder, falls into that category. -- STILL FRIENDS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR STILL FRIENDS: Bless you for wanting to support her. Her letter brought a flood of mail about the danger of eating disorders. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I just saw the letter from the 16-year-old girl with the bulimic friend. Yes, PLEASE tell someone! One of my best friends in high school was the same way. I had many opportunities to tell teachers or her mom, but I didn't. She committed suicide in her parents' garage during our sophomore year in college. Had I "betrayed" her in high school, perhaps she would have gotten the professional help she needed and she'd be with us today. She was beautiful and talented. I will always miss her. -- KATHY IN COLORADO

DEAR KATHY: Please do not blame yourself. Years ago, people did not recognize the seriousness of eating disorders.

DEAR ABBY: The daughter of some close friends has anorexia. Her friends, including her boyfriend, intervened and told her that if she did not tell her parents, they would. The girl took them seriously. She went to her high school social worker and her parents were called in.

The parents handled it wonderfully. They got their daughter medical and psychological help -- not only for her, but also for the entire family.

A true friend must tell, regardless of the possible consequences. It beats the alternative, which can be death. -- ANONYMOUS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for pointing out that an eating disorder can be a FAMILY problem.

DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old niece took her life. After the funeral, two of her closest friends told my sister that my niece had been bulimic for nine months preceding her death.

Eating disorders should be taken seriously, as there are reasons behind them that have nothing to do with food. A person who is bulimic -- or has "episodes" of purging -- is in serious danger and may be depressed or even suicidal. -- SURVIVOR OF A LOVED ONE'S SUICIDE IN NEW YORK

DEAR SURVIVOR: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Thank you for wanting to warn others.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on. The friend must tell. There is no time to waste. I know from personal experience. I am bulimic, and have been since I was 15. I am now 33 and struggle every day. I only wish someone had helped me when I needed it. The longer you wait, the harder it is to control. She will be saving her friend's life, because in the long run, the life of a bulimic is no life at all. -- ANONYMOUS, GRANTS PASS, ORE.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Recently the six ladies in my garden club got together to celebrate the birthday of one of the "girls." We are all in our 50s and 60s and have been friends for years. They all know I have an allergy to nuts, and eating even one can cause a violent reaction. Therefore, I always make a point of asking if nuts are in any of the dishes served at our get-togethers.

One of the ladies, "Mary," served a beautiful casserole. When I asked her if it contained any nuts, she said, "Of course not -- I know you're allergic." Just before we sat down to eat, one of the other women pulled me aside and warned me not to eat any of Mary's casserole because it did, indeed, have nuts.

When I confronted Mary and asked if it was true, she laughed and replied, "This so-called allergy is all in your head, and I was going to do you a favor by proving it to you today."

Abby, I have seen several doctors about my allergy. It is not "in my head." Nuts can cause my blood pressure to skyrocket and cause terrible headaches and vomiting. How should I handle my friendship with Mary after this incident? -- ALLERGIC TO NUTS IN GEORGIA

DEAR ALLERGIC: Friendship with Mary? Mary is not your friend. She deliberately placed your life at risk. Avoid her -- and her casseroles -- at all costs.

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed many telltale signs of a cheating spouse. What are the signs that someone likes you? My friends tell me this guy at work has a crush on me. How can they see it, and I cannot? -- WONDERING IN MONTANA

DEAR WONDERING: Because the signs can vary. Some to consider:

(1) The person "lights up" and usually seems to have a lot to say to you.

(2) The reverse can also be true. The person becomes tongue-tied in your presence.

(3) The person makes a point of being complimentary.

(4) The person makes excuses to see you, call you, e-mail you.

Readers, would you care to add to this list?

DEAR ABBY: I'll bet more than a few people made New Year's resolutions to do some kind of good deed this year. I would like to help those who have procrastinated by recommending a volunteer job in a nonprofit organization.

This year, RSVP (Retired and Senior Volunteer Program) is celebrating 30 proud years of service, placing older adults in positions of impact, allowing seniors to shape the communities in which they live.

If your readers are interested in volunteering, we can send them to schools, museums, hospitals, libraries, senior centers -- even to the zoo. The list is never-ending. Thanks for spreading the word, Abby. -- MERYL SUNSHINE, SAN FRANCISCO RSVP OUTREACH COORDINATOR

DEAR MERYL: It is my pleasure to spread the word. RSVP is a unique program for people 55 and older who are willing to donate anywhere from four to 40 hours a week. Its flexibility allows persons of various skill levels and expertise to help resolve problems that affect their communities. Volunteers provide food for the homeless and hungry, mentor children, assist in community policing, prepare tax returns for elderly and low-income individuals, and much more.

To become an RSVP volunteer, call toll-free: (800) 424-8867 or check the Web site www.seniorcorps.org.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Recently my husband and I invited his son and daughter-in-law for dinner. We also invited two other couples. They know each other, so we felt confident everyone would be comfortable. Our guests seemed to have a great time.

A few days later, I received a note from the wife of my husband's son. It read: "Thank you for having us for dinner last Thursday. Everything was lovely! However, we would have dressed more appropriately had we known it was going to be a 'dinner party.'"

They both had worn jeans. The husband of the second couple came dressed in a coat and tie, and the third couple called beforehand to ask if the men should wear a tie. I said no.

How should I respond to this note? -- PERPLEXED IN TEXAS

DEAR PERPLEXED: Tell the young woman how pleased you were that they could attend and how much their presence added to your dinner party.

Suggest to her that in the future she might do as you do when you're not sure of the "dress code": Call ahead and ask what others will be wearing so that embarrassment can be avoided.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son, "Jason," is a senior in high school and an all-around good kid. All of a sudden he's decided to let his hair grow. Although it's really not that long, my husband is very critical of it and threatens to cut it almost every day.

I feel it's time for Jason's dad and me to let him make some decisions on his own. His hair doesn't bother me as long as he maintains his grades, behaves himself and keeps it clean. (I don't think it's any longer than the Beatles when they first came on the scene.) I look at other boys our son goes to school with, and some of them have short hair, while others wear theirs Jason's length or longer.

What do you think about this? How can I convince my husband to back off? (He let his hair and sideburns grow when he got out of the service.) -- PEACEMAKING MOM IN ARIZONA

DEAR PEACEMAKING MOM: If your son is doing well socially and academically and keeps his hair clean, your husband should not turn its length into a control issue. Learning to make decisions is an important part of a teen's development. It's also important for parents to pick their battles carefully.

P.S. Dig out some photos of your husband with longish hair and sideburns and tell him it's time to get back in touch with his sense of humor and stop obsessing about things that are not important.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin's daughter, "Lisa," plans to be married in May. She is a 34-year-old schoolteacher and her fiance is a successful 39-year-old radiologist. He has just informed her that she must sign a pre-nup or there will be no wedding.

Abby, Lisa has asked me for advice about this, and I'm not sure what to tell her. When I heard about the pre-nup, my first reaction was she should walk -- but now I'm not so sure. Could you share your thoughts on this? -- AWAITING A REPLY IN NEBRASKA

DEAR AWAITING: A prenuptial agreement is for the protection of both parties. Rather than advising the young woman to "walk," tell her to get a lawyer of her own to review and explain the document before she signs anything.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)