DEAR ABBY: My new boss is a nervy man who barks orders at everyone, and has a huge belly. I'll call him Ralph. Every few weeks on a whim, Ralph schedules office potlucks on company time and orders his employees to bring homemade dishes as a "team-building" exercise.

Ralph frequently reminds us that each dish MUST be homemade. As late as the day before a potluck, he'll post a sign-up sheet in the lunchroom that dictates food categories and limits. (For example, only two people may bring salads, etc.)

I e-mailed my boss asking if I could bring a high-quality store-bought item, because between working full time and my long commute, spending time in the kitchen isn't something I care to do. Ralph never bothered to answer. With great resentment, I ended up making a large tuna casserole at midnight for the potluck the next day.

Abby, are employees like me powerless in these circumstances? How can I avoid participating in the potlucks without being labeled insubordinate or getting punished? No one else in our office has spoken up, but each time that sign-up sheet is posted, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. -- RESENTFUL IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR RESENTFUL: I don't blame you for resenting being compelled to do something outside your job description, on your own time and at your own expense. I don't know the labor laws in New York; however, many states have labor statutes that could protect you.

Allow me to offer this food for thought: Consider another kind of "team-building" exercise with your co-workers. Confront your boss as a group and tell him how much his demands are resented by all of you. There's safety in numbers. He can't fire all of you, or there would be no "leftovers" to boss around.

DEAR ABBY: My dear husband passed away two months ago. We had been married for 26 happy years.

When people in the neighborhood or in town see me, they say, "You are doing great," or "You look wonderful," and "How are you feeling?" I know people don't know what to say at a time like this, but how should I reply?

Although my clothes are clean and my hair is combed, don't they realize I am heartbroken? Am I supposed to weep and tear my hair in public? I may look strong, but inside it's all applesauce.

If people feel awkward, can't they just say, "I think of you often," or "I'm glad to see you"? Please tell me how to respond to these Pollyannas who think I'm just peachy. -- GRIEVING PRIVATELY IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRIEVING: Smile at those well-intentioned folks and say, "Thank you for the compliment. Losing my darling has been traumatic, but with time I'm slowly adjusting." It's the truth, but it also conveys an accurate message.

DEAR ABBY: I am a fifth-grader. I never thought I'd be writing to you but I am, so let me get right to the point:

I am really short. Kids at school make fun of me because I'm the shortest student in my grade. I was hoping you could give me some advice about what to say when I'm called "Shorty." -- ANONYMOUS GIRL IN NORTH DAKOTA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: People should be measured from their eyebrows up -- not from top to bottom. There are many successful people who are not tall in stature. I am one of them. Tell your classmates that good things -- like diamonds -- come in small packages. Then change the subject.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: After a long and happy marriage, I became a widow three years ago, and am soon to marry an old family friend, "Vernon." His wife was a dear friend of mine who was killed several years ago. Vern and I are trying to get our personal business in order ahead of time, so there will be no ill feelings among our adult children.

When I die, I will be buried next to my first husband, and Vern with his late wife. My question is, how should my name appear on the headstone, considering the fact that I plan to become "Mrs. Vernon Jones" when we marry?

My son is upset that I'd give up the "Smith" family name. I don't want to create friction between my son and my new husband, but I do plan to take Vern's last name and am surprised at my son's strenuous objection.

How should this be handled, Abby? -- "MRS. SMITH" IN MARIETTA, GA.

DEAR "MRS. SMITH": The name on your headstone should probably read "Jane Smith Jones" to avoid confusion. Although it is upsetting to your son that you have chosen to adopt your new husband's last name, he will have to adapt to reality. One lesson I have learned over the years: You cannot solve every problem -– particularly if the problem isn't yours to begin with.

DEAR ABBY: For the past eight months, I've been involved with a wonderful, kind-hearted man who showers me with affection and says he loves me. I'll call him Hank.

Hank likes the idea of kids and family and is very family-oriented, as am I. My main concern is he has trouble keeping a job. His pattern has been that he finds a job but only works for a short time, then something always happens, and he either gets fired or laid off.

We had started planning our wedding, but my family doesn't like him, and that –- on top of his job situation –- has put a lot of stress on me. I finally told Hank that I won't marry him until he proves he can support himself and a family.

Is it possible that some men are simply not cut out to work outside the home? Maybe he's the "Mr. Mom" type. What should I do, Abby? -- BRIDE-TO-BE (OR NOT) IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE (OR NOT): Yes, some men are better suited to be the "house spouse," and some women are better suited to life in the business world. However, this does not seem to apply to you. Continue to put this union on hold unless you know you will be content as the primary breadwinner of your family.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year and a half, I've been dating a 41-year-old man named "Gino." I spend every weekend at his place. My problem is I am still living out of a suitcase. Gino hasn't offered me a place to keep my things, and I'm tired of taking clothes and personal items back and forth. It feels like I'm homeless.

Gino also won't answer the phone or check his messages when I'm there. When I mention it, he accuses me of being suspicious and too sensitive. Should I continue with him or pack it in? I should add that we have lots of fun, and he's told me he loves me. -- TIRED OF LIVING OUT OF A SUITCASE, WEST ORANGE, N.J.

DEAR TIRED: If you want a seven-day relationship or a permanent place in this man's life, "pack it in." Gino appears happy with things just as they are, and as much as he loves you on the weekends, he loves his freedom more.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-50s and look forward to traveling with my husband when he takes early retirement next year. My mother died at 82 with Alzheimer's disease, and lately, if I misplace my sunglasses or forget somebody's name, I become terrified that I'm coming down with it, too.

I have heard there are certain brain exercises people can follow to keep from losing our memories as we get older. My husband says I'm silly to worry about this now, but if there's anything I can do to protect myself from future problems, I want to get started. Any suggestions? -- WORRIED SILLY IN L.A.

DEAR WORRIED: Although a family history of Alzheimer's does increase your risk, my experts tell me that recent scientific data estimate that only one-third of what determines memory ability and long-term brain health is genetically programmed. The other two-thirds are actually dictated by things that are under our own control, such as lifestyle and personal health choices. Thus, as we age, we have far more influence over our own brain fitness and memory abilities than we ever imagined.

It is not "silly" to be concerned about getting a head start on preventing age-related memory loss. I spoke with Dr. Gary Small, director of the UCLA Center on Aging, who says it is never too early to begin protecting our brains. In his book, "The Memory Bible," Dr. Small explains that our brains actually begin to show signs of aging when we are in our early 20s. He outlines ways to protect our brain function with healthy diet, mental aerobics, memory techniques and stress reduction.

Organizations like the UCLA Center on Aging (www.aging.ucla.edu) and AARP (www.aarp.org) also provide information and programs about healthy lifestyles and ways to stave off many age-related diseases. Check them out. It may give you some much needed peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: For the past six years, I've had a problem with my younger sister, "Robin." She "borrows" my clothes and other things from my room without asking, and then isn't smart enough to put them back. Every time I walk by Robin's room, I find another article of my clothing, shoes or jewelry on the floor. When I confront my sister in front of our parents, Mom rolls her eyes and says she's tired of my complaints. Then Dad will ask Robin point-blank if she "really did it," and she'll say, "Yes, but I was about to return it." That's it, end of story. It's happened too many times to count.

Last summer, I put a keyed lock on my door, which helped with the problem until the lock was mysteriously filled with "goop." It never worked after that. Just yesterday, I found an expensive dry-clean-only sweater of mine on Robin's floor. She had tossed it in the washer and dryer, and it was ruined. When I told Mom, she went out and bought me a new one, but just tonight I found one of my shirts on Robin's floor -– also ruined.

I'll be moving out in July to go to college, but until then, I need some advice. Please help me, Abby -- nobody else will. -- COUNTING THE MONTHS IN MASON CITY, IOWA

DEAR COUNTING THE MONTHS: Your parents have been negligent in their responsibility to your little sister. They have failed to teach her responsibility, honesty, and respect for the possessions and boundaries of others. This will come back to haunt them -– and your sister -– in the future. Please show them this column and hang on until July. Your trials are almost over.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)