DEAR ABBY: I am putting myself through college working nights as a server in a small, family-owned restaurant. There are only two servers working nights, and a couple of nights a week, I share my shift with "Jane."

Jane takes her table orders, then expects me to deliver the food, refill drinks, and anything else the people at her tables might need -- in addition to working my own tables.

My problem is that many of the patrons at Jane's tables directly hand me their tip, saying I deserve it more than she does. Even though I don't think Jane deserves to be tipped, I feel guilty taking the money and always end up putting it in Jane's tip jar. Also, according to our employer's policy, I could get fired for keeping the money.

To make matters worse, Jane is the boss's niece. This makes me reluctant to take the problem to him. Would it be wrong for me to tell the patrons at Jane's tables that I can't keep their tips, and leave it up to them whether they leave anything for Jane? Maybe it would force Jane to work harder. Or should I keep things "as is" and not cause trouble? -- WORKING MY WAY THROUGH SCHOOL IN INDIANA

DEAR WORKING: I have a "tip" for you. The boss's niece feels entitled, and in the interest of family unity, your boss will probably back her up. This can't be the only restaurant in town. With your experience, you are an attractive candidate for a job elsewhere. Start looking.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I were discussing the traditional custom of tossing the bride's bouquet at my wedding two years ago. The young girl who ended up catching it was only 12. Mom had no problem with it at the time, but now she does. She says that single females trying to catch the bouquet should be of marrying age -- and the child who caught mine should never have been allowed to participate.

At most of the weddings I've attended since then, I have observed very young girls (some as young as 3) vying for the bouquet, as well as little boys scrambling to catch the bride's garter thrown by the groom. (At my wedding, the "winner" was a boy of 14.) What do you think about this, Abby? Is my mother right? -- MOTHER AND DAUGHTER IN HOUSTON

DEAR MOTHER AND DAUGHTER: Since catching a bouquet or garter is no guarantee that the person will be the next to marry (it's "up for grabs"), I see no reason why any guest should be excluded.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I sympathize with "Harassed M.D. in Des Moines," who asked how to handle people who ask for professional advice in social situations. I suspect this problem goes along with the prestige of saying, "I'm a physician."

My most memorable request came from a 60-year-old woman who asked me to look at her bunions during my friend's wedding. Fortunately, my pediatric population doesn't suffer from bunions, so I couldn't provide her with any remedies.

When I'm at social gatherings and am introduced as "Doctor," I jokingly say, "The doctor is not in her office at this time." Then I ask people to call me by my first name. In this way I let them know I am a person, not a doctor on duty. I also find this to be an ice-breaker for those who might feel intimidated meeting an M.D. -- HARASSED COLLEAGUE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR H.C.C.: That's a good solution. Here's another:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, am a surgeon. Frequently people -- usually women -- approach me at parties to ask about some medical problem they're having. The "problem" is usually minor and most often dermatologic, though knowing I'm a thoracic surgeon, they'll occasionally mention a chest problem.

Such questions never bother me, for after all, I know more about medicine than any other subject, so if appropriate, I offer a straightforward answer. On other occasions, choosing my "victim" carefully, I'll tell her, "Go into the bedroom, take off all your clothes, and let me know when you're ready."

Fortunately, no one has ever taken me up on my facetious offer. The usual responses are, "May I take my drink along?" and "Who will referee?"

As my father, also a physician, used to say: "A smile makes all things possible." -- CARL A. BROADDUS JR., M.D., WINTER PARK, FLA.

DEAR DR. B.: Your father was a shrewd observer of human nature. However, I'd be careful if I were you. One of these days someone's going to call your bluff.

DEAR ABBY: I can't resist telling you about my French mother-in-law's comments at a party I threw to introduce her to my American friends.

Upon meeting Dr. A., she began reciting all her health problems. I interrupted her, explaining that his specialty was psychiatry. After digesting this for a moment, she caught his sleeve. "Then you must help me with my interior complexion," she explained. -- AVID READER, WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.

DEAR READER: Your m-i-l wasn't so far off base. In a sense, psychiatry is focused on the "department of the interior."

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Harassed M.D." reminded me of a joke I heard years ago:

A physician and an attorney were discussing the problem of people seeking their professional opinions at parties.

"What do you do?" asked the physician.

"I usually give them the information and then send them a bill," replied the attorney.

Five days later, the physician received a bill in the mail. -- KATHY JOOSTEN, LOS ANGELES

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last evening, our 20-year-old son, "Roger," brought a young lady home for us to meet. Her name is "Sally"; they met in a class at the local college.

I know as well as I know my own name that our son is going to ask his dad and me, "Well, what did you think of her?" -- and therein lies my problem. My husband and I aren't sure if we should be honest with Roger about our first impression of Sally.

Perhaps we should tell him to let us get better acquainted before passing judgment. We have even considered staying completely neutral. After all, if Roger ends up marrying her and it doesn't work out, we could be accused of trying to influence him.

This is the first time our son has ever brought a female friend home for us to meet. Roger and Sally seem happy together, and that's all that counts. However, his dad and I also know our son is looking for our approval -- especially mine. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: Level with your son in a nonconfrontational way. Tell him what you and your husband observed. But make it clear that because first impressions can sometimes be deceiving, you and your husband would like to see more of Sally before making a determination.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a serious problem with alcohol and drugs, and I don't know what to do to get him some help. He's tried to stop on his own, but he just can't fight it. It's really gotten bad, Abby. I want to save our marriage, but don't know where to begin. -- NEW JERSEY WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Nothing will change until your husband can admit the seriousness of his problem and accept help. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a fine organization of men and women who have walked in his shoes, and can be instrumental in your husband's recovery. My readers have told me that AA works.

My advice to you is to discuss your husband's addiction with your family physician. He or she will be able to guide you to appropriate treatment for your husband once he makes a commitment to stop his substance abuse. Al-Anon could also be helpful for you. It provides information and support to family and friends of alcoholics. AA and Al-Anon are as close as your phone book.

DEAR Abby: Now that the holidays have come and gone, I am once again wondering about the proper etiquette for thanking people for gifts. When I was growing up, my mother insisted that after each Christmas and birthday I write detailed thank-you notes. Of course, notes are in order for gifts received in the mail, but what about presents opened in front of the giver?

When I have children, I imagine Mom will expect thank-you notes from her grandkids. On the other hand, I have friends who say that a sincere, verbal thank-you is sufficient, and sending notes to people who have already been thanked is overkill. Please tell me if a handwritten note is necessary. I don't want to be rude. Thanks, Abby. -- UNSURE IN DALLASTOWN, PA.

DEAR UNSURE: A verbal thank-you is very nice, but it's not enough. The art of writing a thank-you note is a social grace that every wise parent should pass along to his or her child. The note need not be lengthy or complicated as long as it is sincere.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)