DEAR ABBY: I work for a small company with 25 employees. Four of us are in the office all day -- all women. To put it mildly, I have never felt accepted by these "ladies." During this past year, they've been especially hateful to me. Other employees tell me it's pure jealousy.

My problem: The holidays are now here. What should I do about participating in the traditional gift exchange at the office? Should I buy each gal a gift out of the spirit of giving, even though I have no desire to do so? Or should I make it clear that I do not wish to exchange presents, which could make matters worse? I feel stuck, Abby. Please help me out. -- TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE: Buy a lovely pastry or some other treat that everyone in the office can enjoy. Include a card with it that reads: "My budget this year does not allow me to give individual gifts to each of you. -- Enjoy! Merry Christmas." That way, you'll have participated "in the spirit of giving" without feeling hypocritical.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old single mother of five. I have been married and divorced three times. Right now that's the least of my problems. I've been dating "Gordy" for two years, and the idea of marriage has crossed my mind more than once.

Gordy loves my kids and they love him, but he says he's not ready to make the kind of commitment that comes with marriage. The kids are not the problem; I don't have custody. I get them only every other weekend and holidays, so it's not the responsibility of taking care of a big family that's holding Gordy back. He says he'd be OK with all that. I'm afraid my past three failed marriages bother him. All he's willing to admit is that he's "not ready."

Abby, I feel that I am ready. Should I sit back and give Gordy more time, or confront him and give an ultimatum? Please help. -- CONFUSED AND TIRED OF WAITING

DEAR CONFUSED: Let me get this straight. You've had three failed marriages and five children by age 26 -- and now, at 28, you're tired of waiting for yet another man to propose?

I should think you'd be grateful for the respite. Please take more time to get to know yourself better and get counseling to understand why your last three marriages failed before you embark on a fourth trip to the altar.

A final thought: Never issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to lose.

DEAR ABBY: I am not an astronomer or a religious person. I just like to have a heart-to-heart talk with God whenever I am outdoors under the stars and moonlight sky. I think they make a great pair. Is there a religion that encourages this? Thank you. -- J.B. IN WATERLOO, N.Y.

DEAR J.B.: All religions encourage meditation -- which is what you are describing. You don't even have to do it under the moon and the stars. Talking to the God that dwells in your heart is enough, because God is everywhere.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Totally in Love" about his relationship with a 13-year-old girl. You advised him that if "things went too far," he could find himself in legal trouble. That's an understatement.

I am a probation officer. Last Friday, I sat in court while a client of mine was sentenced to three years (the low end of the guidelines) for having consensual sex with a 13-year-old. The girl had told him she was 15 and said so in court. Once released from the penitentiary, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

That 18-year-old needs to watch himself. He also needs to ask himself why he can't date girls his own age. Here in Virginia, if an 18-year-old has sex with a 13-year-old, he's a sex offender -- whether or not the girl was willing. -- CONCERNED IN MANASSAS

DEAR CONCERNED: I hope "Totally in Love" sees your letter. Its message is sobering. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Totally in Love" was great, but you left something out. I'm 19, and don't profess to know everything, but someone needs to explain to him about how 13-year-olds think. At that age, none of us had any idea what love was. Puberty struck most of us full-force and our hormones were going nuts -- way too early to make lifelong commitments, especially to an 18-year-old guy.

The girl's mind is going to change so much as she grows up and finds out who she is and what she wants. She may not like him anymore when she gets a little older, and if she says it won't change, she's lying to herself and to him.

Abby, that guy needs not only to come clean about his age to her mother, but also not dream too far ahead in the future. He should wait until she grows up before lifelong commitments come into the picture. -- A WOMAN WHO REMEMBERS THAT AGE

DEAR REMEMBERS: It's unfortunate that 13-year-old girl doesn't have a sister like you. You have given sage advice.

DEAR ABBY: While I agree with your advice to "Totally in Love," I feel there is a bit more to say. From personal experience, I have found that if young people (such as his 13-year-old girlfriend) have an "exclusive" relationship, what happens is that she is excluded from the normal passages of youth. I cannot see how what people feel at 13 could possibly be what they want at 18, 21, etc.

And if the relationship does "go too far," then what? Two children with a child? That young girl may well regret and resent the exclusiveness of the relationship she had when she was young.

I hope the parents of BOTH these young people help them to see that it's better to allow each other time to grow up before they try to be grown-ups. If they're truly meant to be together, no amount of time will change their feelings for each other, and eventually they'll be able to share life experiences they'll never have in the relationship they have now. I wish them the best. -- AN EXPERIENCED OLDER PERSON

DEAR EXPERIENCED: You have a wise and compassionate perspective. Several readers also pointed out that the age difference between this young man and the girl is so great that it is not a relationship of equals. Few girls that age can say no to someone that much older and more experienced.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Howard," and I have been married five years. I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore. I haven't told him I feel this way, but he senses "something" is wrong. I'm afraid to bring it up because he has low self-esteem and becomes defensive. He fits the profile of a co-dependent person -- and lately I feel like I'm his mother.

I love Howard dearly. He has helped me raise my son. But I can't afford to waste the rest of my life with someone who is so insecure that I can't even polish my fingernails without him saying, "Got a date?" This is no way to live, and I'm tired of it.

The twist to the story is that I attend school part time and have become friends with a man I'll call "Gary," with whom I am absolutely fascinated. Gary is attractive, smart, and knows what he wants out of life -- and has a plan to get there. (I keep asking myself, where was Gary when I was single?)

I live in a small town and can't talk to anyone about my situation. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If I were you, I'd slow down and not destroy a marriage that has worked for five years. Nowhere in your letter have you indicated that Gary is interested in anything more than a casual relationship.

Your husband's self-esteem can be boosted through counseling and your emotional support. There is always going to be someone who is richer, smarter, more handsome and more aggressive. However, it doesn't guarantee the person will make you happy.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away three years ago. A year or so after her death, my 67-year-old father looked up "Enid," an old girlfriend he dated while he was in his early 20s. She was married, but was happy to meet with him. It didn't take long to rekindle their romance, and as soon as her divorce was final, they were married.

Dad asked her repeatedly how many times she had been married and how the marriages ended. Enid maintained that there were three marriages; one made her a widow, while the other two ended in divorce -- and it was the fault of the husband both times.

One of Enid's family members has tipped me off that she wasn't honest with Dad. There were a total of five marriages and four divorces.

What should I do with this information, Abby? Should I let Dad go to his grave without ever knowing the truth, in order to spare his feelings? Should I tell him? I was raised to value honesty and honor. Please point me to the path I should take. -- WANTS THE BEST FOR DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WANTS THE BEST: Your dad should be told the truth immediately. There are legal implications when someone conceals that kind of information, and your father should discuss them with his lawyer. Enid could be ashamed of her multiple failed marriages or she could be a shady lady with plenty to hide. Either way, your dad should be given the opportunity to find out whom he's dealing with.

DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks I'm weird because I put ice cream on my shredded wheat in the mornings. I figure it's a dairy product, and besides, it tastes good! What's your opinion? -- EVERETT IN LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR EVERETT: If you're not concerned about saturated fat or calories, the practice is all right with me. However, an equally tasty and healthier alternative would be to sweeten your cereal with flavored nonfat yogurt. (It's delicious with oatmeal.)

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