DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old widow. My husband died two years ago. We were married 40 wonderful years. Determined not to fall into depression, I arranged my finances so that my future is secure. If anything should happen to me, my four sons will not be unduly burdened.

During my late husband's long hospitalization, a friend of more than 27 years, "Norman," made it his mission to keep my spirits up. Four months after the funeral, he insisted I get out of the house and go with him to the movies, the beach, for a drive, etc. I have always been comfortable with Norm. He is caring, concerned, affectionate and active in our church and community.

This past year, we have gone on trips together, and he never fails to make me laugh. Norm is financially secure, and we have no plans to live together or marry. I've made that clear to my sons. However, they are very upset that I'm seeing him!

They have informed me that they are not comfortable with including Norman in holiday and family affairs or vacations we take together. They have known this man since they were kids, and he has done nothing to account for their attitude. Norm's children have no such qualms and have extended me an open invitation to their homes.

I have never made any of my sons' friends, girlfriends, lovers or wives unwelcome in my home -- whether I liked them or not. My sons' "significant others" were always included on vacations.

More and more, I am angry that Norm is not welcome at family gatherings. I don't want to cause a scene or estrange my children, but I will not exclude someone I care about.

What should I do, Abby? Christmas is just around the corner, and Norm is not invited. As much as I want to be with my sons and their families, I am tempted to stay home. -- NO NAME PLEASE IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR NO NAME PLEASE: Why stay home? Spend the holidays with Norm's family. In time, your sons will get the message that excluding Norm is driving you away.

Life is for the living, and you have every right to be happy.

DEAR ABBY: I was 8 years old and it was the last day of school. I was living in a less-than-caring foster home and worried about the 50 cents I owed my school for several lost books. Unless I paid for the books, I would not get my fourth-grade report card.

When I heard that news, I left school crying and running, and didn't see the tall man until I ran straight into his legs. He asked me what was the matter, and I told him about the 50 cents. He reached into his pocket, took out two quarters, and in a kind voice said, "Things will be all right now."

Overjoyed to have the money, I paid for the books, got my report card, and shortly thereafter, my mother was able to take me back to live with her.

The year was 1942; the world was at war. Our state of Florida was still in a depression, and that 50 cents was a lot of money in those days.

Abby, to this day, every act of generosity I perform -- every dime I give to a cause -- is in honor of that man. I don't remember his face. I only recall his brown shoes, which I saw first when I ran into him. His kindness to a crying child made all the difference in my life. -- MARILYN IRLBACHER, NASHUA, N.H.

DEAR MARILYN: Your letter is a relevant one for this season of giving. He who takes care of the least of us invests in the best of us.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old college student. This year I'm living with three sorority sisters in a house off campus. We get along fine except for one thing.

The mother of one of our roommates comes to stay with her daughter and the rest of us every single weekend -- from Friday night to Sunday night. She is always underfoot. She is always in the bathroom when we need to use it. She uses the last of the toilet paper and never replaces it. In fact, she uses all the household supplies we buy as a group. We are struggling students and cannot afford to pay for a fifth roommate.

To add insult to injury, last weekend not only did this woman come to stay, but Grandma came with her! Never once has our roommate asked if these visits were convenient for the rest of us, nor have Mom's sleepovers been brought to our attention beforehand.

When we finally addressed the problem with our roommate, she promised her mother would start getting hotel rooms when she came to town. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet. We don't expect her to always stay in a hotel because of the expense, but none of us signed up to live with a housemother. Please help us! -- IRKED COEDS IN WACO, TEXAS

DEAR IRKED COEDS: I feel sorry for your roommate. Either the mother is unable to let her daughter grow up and separate from her, or she may be seeking to escape an abusive environment. However, the current arrangement is unfair to you and your other roommates. So stick to your guns and insist that the mother keep her promise to make arrangements for other accommodations.

DEAR ABBY: My son is going through separation and divorce. It is not a friendly one.

He is now serving in the military overseas. His wife and two children are here in the United States and live close to my husband and me. She allows us to see our grandkids whenever we want. However, since the divorce, she's fallen on hard times -- economically and emotionally -- and it kills us to know she is suffering the consequences of her decision to break up the marriage.

The issue, Abby, is loyalty to our son. He is very upset by what she did, bringing the children back to the states and destroying his military career. He is bitter and adamant that our relationship with his ex-wife come to a halt. He says when he returns home, she is not welcome in our house. The children won't be an issue, as they have joint custody.

I love both my son and daughter-in-law. I feel terrible that our relationship with her must end. What would you do in our shoes? -- HURTING IN HUNTSVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR HURTING: I'd remind my son that his almost ex-wife is still the mother of your grandchildren, and that whom you invite into your home is your decision, not his. This is not his choice to make. For the sake of the children, do not burn any bridges.

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DEAR ABBY: For the past five years, I have been friends with a man I'll call Harry. We met while we were working for the same company. I was dating someone else at the time, but the chemistry between Harry and me was apparent.

He eventually became my boss, so dating was out of the question. Both of us ended up leaving the company and getting involved with other people, but we always remained friends. Nothing romantic ever occurred between us -- even though people always assumed we were a couple and would ask us how long we had been married!

Recently we both became unattached again. My question: Can two people who have been good friends for such a long time become lovers and make it work? Or was "When Harry Met Sally" merely a movie? -- A "SALLY" IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SALLY: Friendship can be a terrific basis for a romantic relationship. Lack of a solid basis of friendship is often the reason that infatuations fizzle. Count your blessings and proceed full speed ahead.

DEAR ABBY: "Missing My Friend in Indiana" wrote that her young friend had been killed, and wondered if she should write to her friend's parents to tell them what a lovely daughter they had. Your advice was correct: Such a letter would be a great comfort to the parents.

On April 2, 2001, we lost our dear son, Jeff, in a commercial fishing accident. He was on a boat called the Arctic Rose that went down in the Bering Sea. All 15 hands were tragically lost.

We waited four agonizing days before the Coast Guard finally called off the search. During that time, we received a letter from a young woman who knew Jeff in high school. She told us the story of how she met him in class and asked him to a dance. Then she described how special Jeff was and what a good friend he had been to her.

Abby, I read that letter again and again. It gives me great comfort, and I can never thank that young woman enough. I hope "Missing My Friend" will write those parents today. Letters like that are all we have left of our Jeff. Shared memories of him have helped us to cope with our loss. -- KATHY AND DAVID MEINCKE

DEAR KATHY AND DAVID: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. Your experience validates the fact that a letter of condolence can be a treasured keepsake and a lasting source of comfort for the recipient.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six months. I love him, but have a problem: I feel as if I was rushed into my marriage by his aunt.

Not only that, but I also find myself looking forward to seeing another man, "Ross." He is an inmate in a correctional facility and will be released around Christmas.

I dream about being with Ross. If my husband knew, he would be terribly hurt. What do you think I should do? -- PRISONER OF LOVE

DEAR PRISONER OF LOVE: The inmate is "safe." You can project your fantasies on him and he cannot disappoint you. (He can't fulfill them, either -- but that's beside the point.)

I urge you to seek professional counseling ASAP -- before you destroy a promising marriage.

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