DEAR ABBY: Of course, you make your living giving your know-everything advice to needy deficients, but that does not excuse patronizing error.

You were wrong in telling "A Survivor in Florida" -- who was raped by her stepfather when she was 11 -- to harpoon her elderly, sick mother who didn't protect her, in order to exorcize what she should have resolved for herself, with psychiatric aid if necessary. Better for her to have said to her mother, "I love you," than rehash her childhood sexual abuse.

What do you know about what a woman has to do to maintain support for five children, and then, to justify her errors to herself? (And live with them.) Furthermore, do you have any assurance that harpooning the sick, elderly mother with the writer's ideas of "the truth" would result in "exorcizing" for either party? You have more responsibility to folk than that, even if that is "what you are there for." -- ANGRY IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ANGRY: The people who write to me are not "deficient." They are people less hostile than you, who have problems they would like an outside opinion in dealing with.

The elderly mother in this case sacrificed her 11-year-old daughter in order to continue to live with the monster she had married and who had raped her little girl! That mother has lived her entire adult life in blissful denial while the victim had to carry not only the burden of the crime that was committed against her, but the accusation that she had been "trying to steal her mother's husband."

I feel it is more important that "Survivor" live out her remaining years with her head up and the truth off her chest than for her mother to die with the big lie unchallenged. Sex with an 11-year-old is RAPE. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was raped by my stepfather when I was 7. For years it haunted me, and I turned to alcohol and drugs at 13. Finally, at 15, my mother and I had a big fight and I told her what happened. It was a huge relief for me even though the statute of limitations had run out. "Survivor" should tell her mom before it's too late. If the woman refuses to believe her, then God will help her see the "real him" when the time comes. -- RELIEVED IN S.C.

DEAR RELIEVED: I hope so.

DEAR ABBY: You were terrific to respond to that woman the way you did. From ages 11 to 16, I was also an incest victim of my natural father. I went through the same behavior, fears and more. At 19, once at college, I took myself to counseling -- against my family's wishes. Please tell this woman to calmly confront her mother. She probably knew anyway and is blocking it. I found that out at 24. -- VETERAN SURVIVOR, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm pleased you had the wisdom to seek help as early as you did. And now, I would like to quote from a letter I received from Marge Harrison of Eutawville, S.C. She is a wise lady:

"Abby, in dealing with the horror of rape, such as this woman was, it is important to remember that the reason mothers were quick to blame the victim years ago is that there was so much denial and stigma at the time. The belief was that the victims 'got themselves into the situation,' and were therefore responsible. The belief was so prevalent that even the victims believed this lie. It is only in recent years that society puts blame for rape on the aggressor -- where it belongs."

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DEAR ABBY: I recently witnessed something outside the local Kmart that left me livid. A man was speaking to a young lady in a foreign language, when all of a sudden, another man who appeared to be in his 60s began to chastise them for not speaking English. His exact words were: "What the hell is the matter with you? This is America. People speak English here!" He stormed off when I stepped in and pointed out that HIS ancestors weren't born here, and they probably didn't speak English, either.

When I ride the train to work, I see people with Middle Eastern backgrounds get dirty looks from other passengers. Where exactly is this "newfound patriotism" I keep hearing about? All I see are people using terrorism as an excuse to act like bigots.

Patriotism isn't slapping an American flag on your car. It's remembering the principles this country was built on. THAT is how you honor the people who died protecting our freedom, not by infringing on the rights of people who aren't exactly the same as you. -- A DISILLUSIONED AMERICAN

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: What happened in front of Kmart was a textbook example of xenophobia, which Webster's defines as "fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign." Unless the person who did the "chastising" was a part of the conversation, he was rude, aggressive, and a mile out of line.

With the recent war on terrorism and fear of terrorist activity from the Middle East, there have been incidents of hostility aimed at people from Middle Eastern backgrounds and those who resemble them. With that in mind, it's important to remember that no one can tell by looking what is going on in other people's hearts. It is quite likely they are American-born or naturalized citizens, and as fervently patriotic as those of us who have been here for generations.

DEAR ABBY: I am a Hispanic male. Most of my extended family lives in Mexico. My parents and some aunts, uncles and cousins live near me in East Texas.

My girlfriend, "Cyndi," and I have been dating for three years. She recently decided to move to San Antonio to be closer to her parents -- and to "find herself."

Cyndi has met my parents several times and told me she intended to learn Spanish so she could better communicate with them. (They speak little English.) I was delighted because when we visit my family in Mexico, Cyndi would not feel left out of our conversations.

Cyndi and I spoke over the weekend. She told me she had signed up for language classes. When I called her last night, she informed me that she's taking German. Then she gave me a lecture about how my family needs to learn English because they live in America. (They try hard.) Then I asked her how she intends to communicate with my family in Mexico. She ignored the question.

Abby, Cyndi and I have split up several times over the past three years. We always seem to find something to argue about. Now this. What do you think about this, and what should I do? -- ERNESTO IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR ERNESTO: Face it. Cyndi has no interest in communicating with your family. She's moved on. Tell her adios or auf Wiedersehen -- whichever comes first.

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DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Daughter Who Needs to Know," a 14-year-old girl whose father had died three years ago. She had not been told her father had a terminal illness, and she still doesn't know the cause of death. She asked whether that information was any of her business and if she should ask her stepmother.

You told her she had every right to know, and that she was old enough to be told now. When I read that letter, a flood of emotions came back to me.

My mother died of breast cancer when I was 15. I watched her deteriorate for three years, Abby, and when I asked questions, I was shoved aside because my father felt I was too young to know.

Three weeks before my mother's death, I did something. I stormed out of the room and went to the basement to sulk. My father followed me and said the most hurtful words I have ever heard. He said, "Your mother is upstairs dying by inches, and you're mostly responsible for it!"

I had no idea she was dying. I was devastated. I felt robbed of years of being able to share with her, talk about important things, and after she died, the sense of loss only got stronger.

I am 49 now and in therapy. Most of the things that come up have to do with Mom and how the situation was handled. I realize that my parents were trying to protect me, but in the end, I felt robbed and abandoned.

Please tell folks like "Daughter Who Needs to Know" they are not alone. Given the belief systems of the parents of that era, I'm sure there are a lot of us. -- STILL GETTING OVER IT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR STILL: I am sorry for your pain, and I think you have hit the nail on the head. In their zeal to protect you from the pain of gradually losing your mother, your parents left you open to the trauma of her sudden loss. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Daughter Who Needs to Know." I am a hospice nurse and have worked with many families dealing with terminal illness. Another reason the parents didn't tell the child may have been because they themselves had not yet come to terms with the devastating news. To discuss such news is to admit that it is true, and this is frequently hard for patients to do.

Much of the work we do in hospice is helping patients and their families accept the prognosis and cope with the grief of their loss. Hospice families are followed for a year after the death of a loved one to support them as they grieve.

Even though it has been three years since this young lady's father died, she and her family may benefit from grief counseling and/or a grief support group. A local hospice would be one source of these services. I hope this helps the young lady and her family as well as many others. -- MARTI BOGDEN, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR MARTI: Thank you for a helpful letter. For those who may not know, hospice is a program that is available for patients who have a prognosis of no more than six months to live. It offers pain medication and counseling to patients and their families, as well as grief counseling. The national hotline number is (800) 658-8898. The Web address is www.nhpco.org.

Other helpful resources for grief support groups and counseling are the social services office of your local hospital, churches, or your local mental health providers.

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